Marriage

16
Mar
2022

Unequally Yoked

Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers (II Cor 6:14).

If we are going to talk about dating, then at some point, we have to talk about the concept of being unequally yoked.  This is the idea that a Christian should marry a Christian.

But before we talk about that, let’s talk more broadly about saying “no” to a potential date.  Perhaps you have had to do this and know what it is like.  The reality is that I have never met a person who would date anybody.  If you are single, you can think of people whom you would never date.  When I was single, I remember girls saying “no” to me.  And I remember girls interested in me whom I would never ask out.  The fact of the matter is that everybody has criteria to determine whom he or she can and cannot date.  If you are single, this is you and you know it.  Maybe you haven’t thought deeply about what your criteria are and, thus, can’t list them out, but you know you wouldn’t date just anybody.  I bet you could give me names of people right now whom you would never date.  You might even be able to give me reasons, and the moment you give me reasons, you are giving me criteria by which you make distinctions between eligible and noneligible dates. 

What I am describing is universal.  I say this to point out the fact that the business of excluding potential partners is something you already do, and you have no problem with it.  You have your criteria. 

Now the Biblical position on being unequally yoked simply says that one of the criteria for a Christian needs to be that the other person is also a Christian.  This is pretty basic.  So let me tell a story.

When I was a teenager, I remember hearing a youth leader speak about dating, and he advised Christians not to date nonChristians.  Inside me arose this visceral reaction.  I wanted to shout, “No!”  I felt that this leader’s advice was smack full of arrogance and that it communicated to most of the world, “I’m better than you.”  I genuinely believed that everyone was equal and that equality in dating meant that I must be open to anybody. 

Two things then happened to me.  The first is that I proceeded to walk with God.  I don’t mean I didn’t sin.  I had plenty of that.  But I immersed myself in the Scriptures.  I prayed daily.  I plugged into a church.  And I did these things from the heart.  I genuinely wanted to know God better. 

The second thing that happened to me is that I began to pay closer attention to the lives of girls, and I noticed a big difference between Christian and nonChristian girls.  It wasn’t that Christian girls were holy and nonChristian girls were sinners or that Christian girls were more fun to be around.  It was that Christian girls genuinely desired Jesus and nonChristian girls did not.  Here was the one thing in life that mattered most to me, and the Christian girls understood, but the nonChristian girls could not.  It’s not just that they did not understand.  They could not understand. 

By the time I had graduated from college, I had completely changed on this issue.  I knew Biblically, and I knew from life that as a Christian I could never marry a nonChristian.  I knew it.  And I understood that this new position was not the least bit arrogant.  In fact, it required me to humble myself before God.  I had to say, “I was wrong.”  I had to listen not so much to America but to Scripture.  I also realized that I already had seen many girls I could not date for reasons other than faith, and I did not consider myself arrogant for having those reasons.  If I was willing to say “no” to a girl because she smoked, then I also should have been able to do so because she had no faith.  Her lack of faith was a far deeper and more central issue than her smoking or her looks or even her personality, and I didn’t think myself arrogant for considering those things.  Marrying a Christian simply became one of my criteria. 

That’s my story, and I tell it to say that this is not a mere theory to me. It’s real life. I think it’s helpful to understand that before we look at the Scriptures.

So let’s now look at the Scriptures. Let’s begin with marriage itself.  I’ve already written about marriage, so I’m just going to summarize.  In marriage, “a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh” (Gen 2:28).  That is the definition of marriage Jesus gives.  If the two are one, they need to be intimate on the most important and deepest issues, they need to be one in their finances, in their priorities, in their child rearing, and in their service to God.  This is what marriage is.  In addition, the purpose of marriage is to reflect Christ and the Church (Eph 5:22-32).  This definition and purpose of marriage do not directly forbid a Christian from marrying an unbeliever, but they lay the foundation for understanding why. 

Elsewhere, however, Scripture does directly forbid a believer from marrying an unbeliever.  Here is Paul:

 Do not be unequally yoked with an unbeliever.  For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness?  Or what fellowship has light with darkness?  What accord has Christ with Belial?  Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever?  What agreement has the temple of God with idols?  For we are the temple of the living God . . . (II Cor 6:14-16)

A yoke

Do not be unequally yoked.  I imagine you have seen pictures of a yoke or have heard perhaps of a yoke of oxen.  A yoke is a heavy wooden bar that connects two animals together, usually for the purpose of plowing or pulling a cart.  The yoke takes the two animals and makes them one.  It allows them to pull together as a team.  The yoke also inextricably binds the two animals together.  This is the picture Paul gives. 

A yoke being used to pull a cart.

Paul says to Christians not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers.  The idea is that the Christian should not enter a relationship with an unbeliever in which the two are bound together as one.  He then gives his reason for the command through a series of questions.  What partnership has righteousness with lawlessness?  Light with darkness?  And so on. 

Paul is not forbidding ordinary friendships because ordinary friendships do not require that the two be bound as one.  Marriage, however, is a different type of relationship.  If ever there was a relationship in which the two are bound as one, marriage is that relationship. 

But the concept of being unequally yoked is not restricted to II Corinthians.  In the Old Testament, God commanded the Israelite men not to intermarry with the daughters of the peoples around them (Ex 34:16; Dt 7:3; Mal 2:11).  In Judges the Israelites took wives from the other peoples around them and wound up serving the gods of those wives (Jg 3:6).  In Ezra and Nehemiah the Israelites took wives from the nations around them and had to repent of it (Ez 10:2; Neh 13:23-7).  Paul instructs believing widows that they are free to remarry, “only in the Lord” (I Cor 7:39).  And, of course marriage portrays Christ and the Church.  The Church is the Bride of Christ.  The concept of an unbelieving Church is nonsensical. 

Thus, when Paul commands believers not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers, he is not communicating something new or strange.  He is simply repeating the consistent Biblical message on this topic. 

But why?  Why should believers not marry unbelievers? 

The main reason deals with your spiritual life.  When God forbade Israel from intermarrying, He says that the reason is spiritual – lest “you take of their daughters for your sons and their daughters whore after their gods and make your sons whore after their gods.” (Ex 34:16).  Significant time bound as one to an unbeliever will make it harder for you to walk intimately with Christ.  NonChristians cannot understand a complete commitment to Jesus Christ.  They cannot share with you the deepest, most important desires you have.  They will never understand your faith.

But marriage involves more than just understanding.  In marriage, a man and woman become one.  They must then live life as one.  When a believer is thus yoked to an unbeliever, the two cannot move forward together spiritually.  The believer will want to give sacrificially from their finances to the work of the kingdom.  The unbeliever will think that is the craziest idea he has ever heard.  The believer will want to raise their kids in Christ.  The unbeliever will most likely oppose that desire, but even if not, at best, the unbeliever can simply acquiesce.  She can never help out.  The believer will want to spend significant time with God’s people and serving God in ministry.  The unbeliever will not care.  The believer will want Christ to be the top priority in the family.  The unbeliever will push back on that priority. 

Imagine two oxen yoked together, and one wants to go right and the other left.  Or one walks forward but drags the other.  This is a marriage between a believer and an unbeliever when it comes to spiritual matters. 

Occasionally you hear people bring up the idea of evangelistic dating.  You know.  “What if my dating her is the only witness she has?  And if she does convert, we are then free to marry.” 

You are playing with fire.  She may convert.  She may not.  You may “fall in love” with her and all of a sudden you’re making all sorts of excuses as to why you can marry her.  And she doesn’t need you to date her for you to be a witness to her.  In fact, you’ll be a better witness to her if you don’t date her.  Follow Scripture.  Not what you want. 

In unequally yoked relationships I have seen the unbeliever convert.  It happens.  But more often what happens is that the Christian flounders spiritually and, to use Biblical language, pursues the gods of the nations. 

If you are a Christian, don’t marry a nonChristian.  Which means, don’t even date one. 

Finally, I need to say something to the Christian already married to a nonChristian. Paul addresses this situation as well. If you are a believer but your spouse is not, remain with your spouse (I Cor 7:12ff). You are married. You are one flesh for life. Love your spouse well. Pray for him or her. You have obvious limits to what you can do together spiritually, but the story isn’t over. God is in the business of redeeming the lost. Pray for that, and above all, walk with Christ yourself.

Posted by mdemchsak, 0 comments
30
Oct
2019

Sex Within Marriage

God designed sex and marriage to go together.  Marriage is the union of two souls, and God made sex to be the union of two souls.  Sex communicates marriage and, thus, belongs in marriage.  Everything about sex points to marriage, so we now need to talk about sex within marriage.  I intend to briefly give some principles that apply to the sexual relationship within marriage.  No particular order, and these are not exhaustive. 

1.  Sex within marriage is clean and encouraged.  Sometimes Christians bring into their marriage the notion that sexual activity is sinful or dirty.  This is because while they were single, sexual activity was sinful, and they can’t change their thinking.  They viewed sex as something to avoid instead of something to be enjoyed at the right time.  The difference in those ways of thinking is crucial.  One sees sex as inherently bad; the other as inherently good.  If you view sex as inherently bad, then when you marry, your idea of sex will cause problems and will need to change.  Within marriage, husbands and wives have great sexual freedom, and they need to understand that fact.

2.  The sexual relationship is part of the overall relationship.  You can’t divorce sex from the day-to-day life of the marriage.  Western culture is often guilty of this problem.  It treats sex merely as a physical act, and husbands and wives sometimes buy into that lie.  Sex is not merely physical, and because it is not merely physical, it is an integrated part of the overall relationship in the marriage.  Sex affects the marriage, and the marriage affects sex. 

This means that sexual problems often result from marital problems.  Arguments affect sexual desire.  A mechanical, business-like relationship between spouses gets carried over to the marriage bed.  A lack of trust or respect dooms a healthy sex life.  Don’t ever think you can treat sex as an add-on to your marriage.  Sex is an expression of what your marriage already is, not a separate practice you get to do.   If spouses want to improve their sexual relationship, they usually need to improve their marital relationship. 

Indeed, the hardest part of sex is usually the relationship.  A healthy sexual relationship requires commitment and trust in the rest of the relationship.  It requires a husband to cherish his wife in public, in the car, in the kitchen, on the phone, everywhere.  She is not a sex object for him to consume.  She is a precious lady for him to love.  He is to be passionately in love with her when they are not in the bedroom.  And the wife is to honor her husband in public, in the car, in the kitchen, on the phone, everywhere.  He is not a blind fool for her to criticize or disrespect.  He is a leader she must honor. 

Sex does not begin in the bedroom.  It begins in public, in the car, in the kitchen, on the phone, everywhere.   When a husband and wife live out a committed, passionate, loving, one-flesh relationship, they set the stage for a thriving sexual relationship.  But when they fail to show commitment, trust, passion, or respect in their everyday relationship, they undermine their sexual relationship. 

3.  Because the sexual relationship reflects the overall relationship, sex can be a good barometer of a marriage.  Can be.   Sexual problems in marriage are symptoms of something else.  Sometimes the cause of a sexual problem is a health issue.  Sometimes the cause is past sexual promiscuity or abuse.  But often the cause is a relational issue between husband and wife. 

Therefore, husbands and wives should pay attention to their sexual relationship because it often communicates more than they think. 

4.  Sex is to be given.  In sex, the husband freely gives his body to his wife in order to please her, and the wife freely gives her body to her husband in order to please him  (I Cor 7:3-4).  Therefore, when a husband demands sex from his wife, he violates what sex is.  Husbands should never coerce sex.  It must be freely given.  And wives need to see sex as a gift to their husbands.  The wife may not always be in the mood but may give herself to her husband anyway simply because she loves him and wants to please him.  A marriage in which husband and wife strive in the sexual relationship not for their own pleasure but for the pleasure of their spouse is a marriage built for both a rich sexual relationship and a deep overall relationship.

5.  Husbands and wives need to talk about their sexual relationship.  This may be a bit awkward at first, but it is important for two reasons.  First, the sexual relationship is significant in its own right.  It affects and is affected by the overall relationship.  Second, a man is not a woman.  Men and women typically enter marriage with different sexual desires, drives, and expectations.  Men tend to be more aroused by visual stimulation and women by the relationship.  Men tend to be more quickly aroused.  Sexually, a man is a microwave, while a woman is a slow cooker.  Men tend to want to have sex more often than women.  These are general statements with exceptions, but when you see these differences, you see the need to talk.   In sex, the microwave and the slow cooker need to go at the same pace.   Husbands and wives, thus, need to communicate well, be understanding and patient with their spouse, and be willing to give up what may please them in order to please their spouse.  If couples never talk about these differences, they are asking for unresolved conflict.  Sex is deeply intimate and discussing it presents an opportunity for couples to build trust and to learn how to please their spouse, thereby deepening the relationship.

Remember, sex is a gift.  When you give a gift, don’t you want to give something that pleases the recipient?  The way to learn what pleases your spouse is to ask and to talk openly about sexual issues. 

6.  The sexual relationship develops over time.  If you stop and think about it, isn’t this common sense?  Doesn’t every other aspect of your relationship develop over time?  Why would we think sex is different?  Sex is something that healthy couples grow in.  Their sexual relationship can be much richer after forty years than it was when they were newlyweds.  Or it can be worse.   A lack of time, a loss of trust, a critical spirit, pornography, an affair, or bad health can all negatively affect the sexual relationship at any time.  Sometimes you hear couples talk about growing in their love for one another over the years.  Such growth is a real phenomenon, and because the overall relationship often spills into the marriage bed, this growth in love can deepen the sexual relationship.  This fact often surprises people who consume large doses of Hollywood.  In Hollywood, by and large, sex is at its peak when people are young.  In the real world, however, this is not necessarily the case.  Listen to Proverbs:  “May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth”  (5:18).  The phrase, “wife of your youth” suggests that Solomon is addressing an older man, and the surrounding text encourages a healthy sexual life.  Here is how it continues: “A loving doe, a graceful deer— may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love” (5:19-20).  God intended sex to be like good wine that improves with age and not like milk that spoils in two weeks.  The marriage night should be the first step and not the pinnacle of the sexual relationship. 

Posted by mdemchsak, 0 comments
04
Oct
2019

Marriage and Sex

SHE: “Behold, you are beautiful, my beloved, truly delightful . . . His left hand is under my head, and his right hand embraces me!  I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem . . . that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.” (Song of Solomon 1:17; 2:6-7)

HE: “Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away.” (Song of Solomon 2:13)

Lord, You have blessed marriage with sex, and you have blessed sex with marriage.  Thank you for putting those blessings together and making our lives richer because of it. 

If I am going to talk about gender issues and marriage, I’m afraid at some point I have to talk about sex, and I want to begin by talking about real people.

A young, single friend of mine came to me one day to confess with tears that he had lost his virginity the previous weekend.

A single woman I knew, with great regret, told me she had had sex with a man I knew.

A young dating couple in tears confessed that they had had sex on a trip they had just taken together. 

These are all true stories that show that sex is not like other human drives.  People don’t break down in tears because they ate too much sushi last night.  Food is food.  It is necessary for our bodies, but it doesn’t touch our souls as sex does.   In sex you give to another person your body, soul, heart, emotions, and spirit.  In sex you give it all.  Sex is not just another human appetite.  The regret and pain common when people engage in illicit sex result from the realization that they just gave everything to someone they had no business giving everything to.  Sex is the physical expression of a one-flesh union, but sex is not merely physical because a one-flesh union is not primarily physical. 

Sex is God’s invention.  Within marriage, He encourages it, commands it, and even applauds it.  The one thing you must never do is think that Christians are prudes who believe sex to be some dirty, evil act we must avoid at all costs.  On the contrary, Christians have a much higher view of sex than the rest of the world.  If the Western world is correct, and people can engage in consensual sex with anyone they please at anytime they please, and if sex requires no commitments, no uniting of lives, then sex is not much different from what the dogs do. 

Christians do not believe this.  God designed sex to be a holy act.  Because marriage is a picture of Christ and the church, sex is a re-enactment of the union between Christ and the church.  It displays the oneness we have in Christ and the ecstasies that shall be ours in glory.  Indeed, when we unite ourselves with Christ, we shall one day experience a revelry and joy that will make sexual pleasure seem like cleaning the tub. 

Thus, Christians view sex as a wonderful gift from God, but they do not believe that sex is the ultimate pinnacle of life.  Within marriage, sex may be a holy act, but it cannot fulfill you.  The quest for fulfillment through sexual pleasure is tragic and sinful.  It produces empty, broken lives.  People need to see sex under God in its proper place.  Otherwise, it becomes a god that people enslave themselves to.  It rises to a central place in their lives, sometimes to the point that people even identify themselves on the basis of their sexual expression. 

Sex does not define you.  You are no more special or successful because you have sex, nor less so if you are a virgin.  Your identity is not tied to sexual expression, as if who you are is nothing more than your sexual desire.  To make your identity a sexual preference is to deny who God says you are and to inflate the importance of sex.  Sexual identity is a modern concept and is more the product of a sex-saturated and sex-infatuated culture than the reflection of who you are.  As good as sex is, it is not that central to life.

So what are the purposes of sex?

1.  Sex reflects a one-flesh union.  In marriage a man and woman become one flesh (Gen 2:24-5; Matt 19:3-6).  In sex, a man and woman become one flesh.  Paul says that the reason a man should not have sex with a prostitute is this: “. . . do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her?  For, as it is written, ‘The two shall become one flesh.’” (I Cor 6:16)  Paul’s point is not that a one-flesh relationship is nothing more than sex but that sex enacts the one-flesh relationship.  He is shocked that people would consider becoming one body with someone they are not one with.

2.  Sex expresses your love for, your oneness to, and your pleasure in your spouse .  When you read Song of Solomon, you find that the husband and wife are constantly expressing their love for the other and their delight in the other in the context of what can only be described as the sexual act.  They speak with their words, but they speak with their bodies as well.  In sex, your body says, “ “I am yours . . . completely.”  Sex says, “I love you.”  Sex says, “You are the only one for me.”  Sex says, “We are completely one.”  Sex says, “You are my delight.”  Sex communicates all of these ideas, and it does so with body and soul. 

3.  Sex gives.  This truth is contrary to Western culture, which is extraordinarily self-focused when it comes to sex.  Scripture says this: “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband.”  (I Cor 7:3)  This text refers to sex, and when it addresses the husband, it tells him to give; and when it addresses the wife, it tells her to give.  If you read on, you find out why: “For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does.  Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.” (I Cor 7:4)  In other words, the wife’s body is meant for her husband, and the husband’s body is meant for his wife.  God’s purpose in sex is not to see what pleasure you can get out of it but to give yourself fully to increasing the pleasure of your spouse.  Sex was never meant to be a self-focused endeavor.  That attitude is always dysfunctional. 

4.  Sex strengthens marriage.  This purpose flows naturally out of the purposes mentioned above.  Because sex reenacts the one-flesh union, it serves as a reminder that husband and wife are one.  Because sex says, “I am completely yours . . . you are the only one for me . . . I love you with all I have,” it reinforces the bond between husband and wife.  Because sex gives to the other person everything, it unites souls.  Sex reinforces the marriage bond. 

I do not mean that all couples will experience such reinforcement merely by having sex.  Sex is not a panacea for marital dysfunction, but within the proper context, it does strengthen a marriage.  Exercise strengthens a person’s overall health, but it is not the solution to every illness.  Exercise is merely one piece of a regimen for a healthy body; sex is merely one piece of a regimen for a healthy marriage.  When sex reflects the one-flesh union that a husband and wife live daily, it reinforces that union; but when sex enacts a one-flesh union that the couple never lives, it is incomplete.     

5.  Sex is for reproduction.  Sometimes people want to focus on the recreational aspects of sex and ignore this, but when God created male and female, He commanded them to be fruitful and multiply (Gen 1:28).  In other words, God commanded them to have sex for the purpose of having children.  Marriage and children go together.  I don’t mean that all couples are able to have children, but I do mean that if you marry at an age appropriate for children and if you have no health issues precluding children, you need to be open to having children.  God may or may not grant children, but that is His prerogative, not yours.  Sex is for reproduction.

Why do Christians restrict sex to marriage?

This is a common question people ask, but if you have read thus far, the answer should be obvious.  God designed sex intentionally for marriage. 

Sex acts out in a multidimensional way the marriage commitment.  Sex portrays a one-flesh relationship.  Literally.  Sex portrays marriage.  Sex communicates commitment, even if that commitment is unspoken.  When a man has sex with a woman, he is making a promise to her, even if he denies that promise with his words.  When a man has sex with a woman, they are telling each other that they are one and that they completely belong to each other.  When a man has sex with a woman, he gives to her a piece of himself that she will have the rest of her life.  The sexual act does all of the above quite apart from intent.  This is why Christians reserve sex for marriage. 

Sex apart from marriage is an absolute lie, for it communicates a oneness that does not exist.  It says, “I am completely yours” to someone you have not committed your life to.  It gives away body and soul to someone you don’t intend to share body and soul with.  To become one with someone sexually without becoming one in marriage is deceitful and cruel.  You say one thing with your body, but you don’t mean what you say. 

Sex is a powerful force.  When people handle fire, they put restrictions on how they handle it.  When people work with electricity, they put restrictions on how they do so.  Sex is fire.  Sex is electricity.  Handled the right way, it can light a city, but handled the wrong way, it can burn that city to the ground.  You cannot handle sex any way you please without severe consequences. 

The Western world for roughly the past sixty years has been ignoring God’s restrictions when it comes to sex.  It frequently calls the Christian sexual ethic prudish, backwards, obtuse, and cruel.   You might as well tell the electrician that he is backwards and cruel for commanding people to stop picking up live wires with their bare hands.  The Western world is largely blind to the damage of unrestricted sex.  It says that sex is a beautiful expression that two people who love each other should be able to engage in when they want. 

The Christian heartily agrees with that last statement, but the Christian says that if those two people truly love each other, let them commit their lives to one another.  If they will not commit their lives in marriage, then let’s have none of this nonsense talk of loving one another.  They don’t love one another.  Let them marry.  Then they will find that sex is a beautiful expression that two people who love one another should be able to engage in when they want. 

Make no mistake.  God made sex for marriage.  Within marriage, it is a beautiful and powerful force for uniting a husband and wife and creating new life.  But outside marriage sex is sin.  It kills marital intimacy and divides marital oneness.  Those who practice extramarital sex hurt themselves, their sexual partners, and marriage itself.

If you have sinned sexually, please know that God offers cleansing and forgiveness through Jesus.  God can restore you and can heal your marriage (or your future marriage), but for God to do so, you will have to repent and trust in the Cross of Christ to cover your sin and make you new.  But please do know that you have great hope in Christ. 

This blog has dealt primarily with introductory matters: What is sex?  What are its purposes?  Why does God put restrictions on it?  Next week, we will talk about some principles for maintaining a healthy sexual relationship within marriage. 

Walk with Him.

Posted by mdemchsak, 0 comments
19
Sep
2019

The Marriage Dance

“Husbands, love your wives . . . (Eph 5:25)

“Wives, submit to your husbands . . . (Eph 5:23)

Father, let me lead Leanne in love, as Christ would lead His church. I need you for this.

One of the biggest problems people have with the Biblical description of marital leadership is that they never consider what Scripture says about that leadership.  They have in mind their own notions of leadership, often from seeing sinful, abusive leaders, and they replace Biblical leadership with their own notions and then proceed to smack down Biblical leadership.  When they do their smack down, however, they are never really smacking down what the Bible says but an inflatable punching doll they have set up.

Therefore, in this section I want to present what the Bible means when it calls a husband to lead his wife.  Immediately after Paul says that the husband is the head of the wife (Eph 5:23), he describes how husbands are to treat their wives: 

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself . . .  (Eph 5:25-33)

Biblically, husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church and as they love their own bodies; they are to sacrifice for their wives as Christ gave himself for the church; they are to nourish and cherish their wives as Christ does the church; they are to hold fast to their wives.  In short, they are to treat their wives as Christ treats the church. This is Biblical leadership within marriage.  If husbands practiced this type of leadership, women would be loved, cherished, nourished, and their men would be willing to die for them. If you want to argue against what the Bible says about leadership within marriage, then argue against that.  But let’s not have any of this nonsense that claims the Bible encourages male domination.   

God calls men to lead their wives as Christ leads His church.  This idea was revolutionary in the first century, and it is still revolutionary today.  Thus, men, the best way to lead your wives well is to walk with Christ well.  He is the model for leadership.  He gives the power to lead in a Christ-like manner. 

Therefore, lead with gentleness.  Lead with compassion.  Lead with a desire to understand your wife.  Lead by listening to her.  Lead by caring for her.  Lead by trusting her.  Lead by sacrificing your desires.  But lead. 

Leading doesn’t mean you do everything.  If your wife is better at handling the finances, let her handle the finances.  If she is better at choosing a medical plan, let her take the lead on choosing a medical plan.  Good leaders give great responsibility to those they lead.  Doesn’t Christ grant great responsibility to the church?

And yet Christ is the head.  To delegate responsibility is not to abdicate it.  The husband is still ultimately responsible for the family. 

I’ve been brief, but this is the first partner in the marriage dance.

The second partner is the wife, and Scripture addresses her role as well:

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands . . . and let the wife see that she respects her husband.  (Eph 5: 22-4, 33)

God calls a wife to submit to her husband just as the church submits to Christ.  In the dance, she follows his lead.  Because “submission” is a lightning rod word, I need to describe what it does and does not mean.

1)  Submission does not mean the wife sins because the husband tells her to.  A wife submits to God first.  If a husband says, “Let’s fudge these numbers on our taxes,” or “let’s lie to your sister,” the wife cannot go there.  She answers to God first, and she is responsible for her own actions.

2)  Submission does not mean the wife never speaks up when she disagrees with her husband.  You might as well say that the chief operations officer should never speak up when she disagrees with the CEO or that the secretary of state should never speak up when she disagrees with the president.  Do you see how crazy that is?

3)  Submission does not mean the wife should let her husband abuse her.  Submission has a purpose, and physical or sexual abuse violates that purpose. If a husband physically or sexually abuses the wife or the children, the wife may need to contact the police and/or separate herself and the children for a time.  This is obvious when we look at leadership outside of marriage.  No one would question the idea that an assistant manager should submit to her manager, but if that manager physically abused her, the principle of submission does not require the assistant to sit around and get bludgeoned.

So what does submission mean?

It is simply this:  Biblical submission is a voluntary yielding to a leader.

That’s it. 

The purpose of Biblical submission within marriage is to reflect Christ and the church and to combat division when husband and wife cannot resolve a disagreement.  In addition, submission is always a heart issue.  When the church submits to Christ, she is to do so willingly from the heart.  Grudging submission is not submission.  It looks like submission on the outside, but the heart is what counts. 

In life, the principle of submission says that people should submit to their leaders unless those leaders encourage or engage in activity contrary to God’s will.  The principle also says that people should practice this submission with respect and honor toward the leader, even if the people disagree.   The principle applies in every realm of life: government, work, school, committees, sports teams, and more.

The Bible calls a wife to this principle in the home.  Submission is merely a recognition of leadership.  Thus, the Bible calls wives to recognize the leadership of their husbands. 

When a husband leads as Christ and a wife willingly submits as the church, you see the dance.  If both wanted to lead or neither would lead, the dance would get ugly.  When people today call for women to abandon ordinary submission within marriage, they deny Scripture and encourage immaturity and rebellion in women.  In doing so, they help destroy the picture of Christ and the church.  

They perhaps mean well.  They want to combat abuses, but their solution for a broken arm is to cut the arm off altogether.

A Picture

Submission does not primarily come into play when husbands and wives agree.  It frequents the intersection of disagreement and decision, for it is at that intersection that someone must yield.  So let’s bring up a disagreement and briefly discuss how Biblical leadership and submission play out.

Let’s say a husband receives a job opportunity.  It would be a high-paying, good-for-the-career job at a firm in Dallas.  He currently works at a less favorable job, but its location is close to family in Beijing.

The husband believes the couple should take the job in Dallas.  The wife believes they should stay in Beijing.  Each has different reasons for his or her opinion, and they are legitimate reasons.  I want to give three scenarios to show how different couples handle this disagreement, but I will end with the scenario that reflects Biblical leadership. 

The first scenario is easy to describe and unfortunately quite common.  Both husband and wife approach the disagreement with a plan on how to get their own way.  They are self-centered.  They fight or manipulate, and the husband may get physically abusive.  In the end, someone “wins” and someone “loses” unless they both stand their ground, and she stays in Beijing while he goes to Dallas.  In that case they both lose.  This marriage has little to no constructive communication.  Both parties want what they want and will do whatever they can to get it.  The basic problem is not communication but this:  he won’t love, and she won’t submit.  Those are heart issues. The dysfunctional communication is merely a symptom of the main problem.  Unless God interferes, these marriages are on a road toward divorce. 

The second scenario is more complex. 

The husband is much the same as the first scenario.  He wants what he wants, and he is going to do whatever he can to get it.  He offers no opportunity for open communication and won’t listen when the wife speaks.  He gets argumentative and perhaps abusive. 

The wife, however, wants to honor God, but she strongly feels that a move to Dallas would be a mistake.  What does she do?

If she is going to honor God, she begins by bringing this matter to God in prayer.  She needs to pray for her husband, not that he will see things her way, but that God will give him a receptive heart.  She needs to pray for herself, that God will grant her His heart and mind, that God will give her wisdom and grace in dealing with this issue.  She also needs to pray for God’s will in this matter.  She personally wants to stay in Beijing, but is that what God wants?  She needs to be willing to give up her desire if God wants the family in Dallas.  This principle is part of dying to self, and it is crucial. 

She needs to communicate with her husband.  What she says depends largely on what she hears in her prayer time, but her husband needs to hear from her.  She needs to respectfully bring up the issue and why she disagrees with his decision.  He may respond favorably or not.  He may flare up. He may not listen at all.  But he needs to hear his wife.  If he becomes abusive, she may need to contact authorities or separate herself for a time.  Through this process if she behaves respectfully, she has a greater chance of influencing his heart than if she calls him names and stoops to his level.  Those practices take her to the first scenario.  

Again, in this marriage, the real issue is not Dallas or Beijing.  This couple has deeper problems than “which town they will live in.”  The woman married a man who will not listen to her, and now she is bound to him . . . whether she likes it or not.  This wife needs to think long term about what is best for the marriage and not just about where the family will live.   She needs to pray for her husband.  She needs to honor him.  She may encourage counseling, but he may not go.  Ultimately, she needs to walk with God.  She needs the church, the Word of God, and the Spirit.  Her marriage is a picture of a greater marriage, and she needs the support of her heavenly husband — Christ.  He will give her greater strength, grace and wisdom to deal with her earthly husband.  The closer she gets to Christ, the less rebellious she will be toward her husband.  Walking with God and rebellion do not go hand in hand. 

So then, let’s suppose the husband does not listen to her and decides to move the family to Dallas.  In this case, moving to Dallas is not sinful, even if she believes it is not wise.  And though the husband is clearly being selfish, he is not asking his wife to violate God’s commands.  For the sake of the marriage and in order to honor Christ, she needs to respectfully go to Dallas.  She may disagree with the decision, but she needs to support it just as the Secretary of State needs to support a presidential decision that the Secretary of State disagrees with.  Such submission brings the most honor to Christ, and in the long run is best for the marriage.  In the long run, she will need to be praying for her husband, respecting him, loving him, and communicating with him her thoughts on their marriage, but she loses the opportunity to do those things if she stays in Beijing.

The final scenario is one in which the husband leads in a way that reflects Biblical leadership in marriage.   

How should the husband lead through this situation?

1.  He must begin by bringing the decision to God.  He needs to give his desire to God and be open to the possibility that his wife is right.

2.  As he prays through this decision, he needs to talk to his wife and listen.  He must allow her to express her opinion and her reasons for it.

3.  As they discuss, he needs to let his wife know his position and why he holds it, but he must present this in a loving manner.  Both husband and wife need to be free to ask honest questions of each other.

4.  He must continue to pray and be willing to let go of his desire.

5.  Through this process, perhaps God changes his stance and he now agrees with his wife.  Or perhaps God changes the wife’s stance, and she now agrees with her husband.  In these cases, we now have agreement, and submission is no longer necessary.   But what if no one changes?  He still feels they should go to Dallas, and she still feels they should stay in Beijing. 

6.  It is now clear there will be no mutual decision, but at some point, the couple must make a decision.  When that time comes, the husband needs to decide.  He should not go against his wife’s counsel lightly, but in the end he may need to.  The couple cannot live in Beijing and Dallas.  That will divide the marriage. 

God may lead the husband to honor his wife’s request and stay in Beijing.  Sometimes good leaders submit to the judgment of those they lead.  Or God may tell the husband to take the family to Dallas. If the husband still believes God is calling his family to Dallas, he needs to move them to Dallas.

That’s the first partner in the dance.

The second is the wife.  How does she submit in this process?

The wife must walk through steps one through five above as well.  Once we get to step six — it is clear there will be no mutual decision — she must now respectfully honor her husband’s decision.   This means the following:

  • She is grateful for her husband.
  • She does not complain in her heart.
  • She does not talk negatively about the decision behind her husband’s back.
  • She supports the decision in front of the kids or to family or friends.
  • She does not manipulate to get her way.
  • She willingly moves to Dallas.

In the end, she honors the decision of her husband just as any other person would honor the decision of his or her leader.  In doing this, she strengthens her marriage and acts out the role of the church with Christ. 

This final scenario is a healthy marriage.  Husbands and wives don’t have to agree on everything, but they do have to remain one, and that is why submission is necessary. 

Posted by mdemchsak, 0 comments
30
Aug
2019

Marriage and Leadership: Some Objections

You are all children of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. (Gal 3:26-8)

Wives submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. (Col 3:18)

Lord, you have given me a wonderful wife and life partner in Leanne, and I am so grateful. By your grace, make me a leader who honors her.

Before you read this blog, please read both Scriptures quoted above. OK. Understand that both of those Scriptures are true. In Christ there is no male or female. Men and women stand equally before the throne of God. But within marriage, God commands wives to submit to husbands.

If you have lived in the West for even a short time or have extended exposure to Western media, the Scripture on submission rubs your hair the wrong way, doesn’t it?.  Don’t your insides rise up against the idea of women submitting?  Isn’t this sexist and old-fashioned?  Hasn’t society come a long way in order to throw off these oppressive notions?  This is your reaction, isn’t it?  You have questions about this.  So let’s deal with some of those questions

1.  Doesn’t submission negate the equality of the wife? If the wife must submit to her husband, then the two are not equal. 

This objection always comes up and in various forms, for this objection lies at the heart of all the other objections we shall discuss.

So, let’s discuss. Equality is a matter of essence. Roles do not change equality because roles do not change essence. On a basketball team, the point guard is not superior to the power forward, even though the point guard runs the offense. In a symphony, the conductor is not superior to the violinist, even though the conductor directs the violinist when to play. Before God conductor and violinist are equals. Their role does not change that equality. When people say that submission negates equality, they are saying that equality is tied to a role and not to the essence of a person. This concept of equality is shallow. It bases equality on externals, but Scripture bases equality on something deeper. Submission does not negate equality.

In addition, the objection assumes that the different roles themselves are not equal. It assumes that a leadership role is superior to a servant’s role, but Jesus contradicted this idea. He said that the last shall be first and that the greatest would be the servant of all. The idea that leadership roles are superior to servant roles comes from broken, sinful thinking, a result of the Fall. It does not come from God. I do not believe that the angels in heaven see a husband’s role as superior to a wife’s. Sometimes good leaders see this truth. On a football team, a good quarterback will be the first one to tell you that the linemen in front of him are just as important if not more important than he is. But he is the one that gets the credit and awards. In a company a good manager will quickly tell you that his team is far more important than he or she. The manager recognizes the significance of their contributions. Serving is not inferior to leading. This is a kingdom principle that we need to remind ourselves of.

So then, real equality has nothing to do with one’s role, and even if it did, the role of the wife is in no way inferior to that of her husband. You might as well say that the screw is more important than the nut. The two pieces are complementary. If you want to accomplish the task, you need both.

Finally, let me give the ultimate example of this principle of equality with submission. I assume that if you are reading this blog, you are a Christian.  If you are not, forgive me. 

I want you to think of Jesus for a moment.  In Scripture, Jesus is clearly equal to the Father (Jn 1:1-3; 10:30; Col 1:15-19; 2:9; Rev 5). They share the same essence and value.  

When we look at the New Testament, however, we find that Jesus on earth and in glory submits to His Father (Mt 26:39; Jn 6:38; I Cor 15:28).  He sees it as His role.  But Jesus’ submission does not negate His equality with the Father, nor does it make Him less important.

All Christians acknowledge the Biblical facts that Jesus is equal to the Father and that Jesus submits to the Father.  Here is what Paul says about this relationship: “I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is the man, and the head of Christ is God.” (I Cor 11:3) Notice that Paul likens the relationship between Christ and the Father as the same as the relationship between a man and woman. He uses the same language (headship), in a context that discusses gender roles (I Cor 11). Christ is equal to the Father, but the Father is the head of Christ. In this same way, the husband and wife are equal, but the husband is the head of the wife. If submission negates equality, then we must say that Jesus is not equal to the Father. If we see Jesus’ role to be just as important as the Father’s role, why can’t we see a wife’s role to be just as important as a husband’s?  They are equally necessary. 

2.  Isn’t the submission of wives sexist? 

This objection is a variation of the first one. Underneath the question lies the idea that submission means inequality. But if submission does not mean inequality, what’s wrong with it? How can it be sexist? To some people the very word “role” is sexist.

Perhaps we need to rethink our idea of what sexism is. Sexism is a word that Western culture throws around constantly. Anything related to gender that the culture dislikes gets labeled “sexist,” but our view of sexism is a culturally conditioned concept, and we need to be careful when we call something sexist, for if the submission of wives to husbands is sexist, then God is sexist.  But God does not dislike, hurt or hinder women.  He made women, and He loves what He made.  God is pro-woman.  And that same God who is pro-woman said that within the family the husband is the head of the wife.  He said this for the good of the marriage and for the good of the woman. 

For more discussion see the previous blog “Does Christianity Harm Women?”

3.  Doesn’t the submission of wives oppress women?  They are like slaves.

This objection misunderstands what the role of helper means.  Peter, who tells wives to submit to their husbands (the command is common across Scripture), also said that wives are joint heirs with their husbands of the grace of life (I Pet 3:7).  That language was revolutionary for the first century, and it is not the language of slavery or oppression.  The wife is the chief operations officer, not a lackey.  Her role has great honor, and Scripture commands the husband to love and cherish her. One gets the idea that this objection is more rhetorical than substantial, for it highlights one concept, interprets it with a negative spin, and ignores everything else Scripture says about marriage. This objection relies on loaded words and a shallow caricature.

4.  Why should the man lead and not the woman?

My first reaction is “why should the woman lead and not the man?”  Is there a good reason why it should be her?  It needs to be one of them.  Even if God randomly picked the man (which I don’t believe He did), His choice would have been better than no leader or two leaders. 

So why the man and not the woman?

Ultimately, I don’t know, nor do I feel that I have to know.  But perhaps God’s reason gets at what Paul referred to in I Tim 2, when he appealed to the created order and the Fall for why women were not to teach or have authority over men within the church. 

God made man first and He made woman to be a helper for the man (Gen 2: 18).  This is part of the original design.  Male and female are not identical.  They complement one another . . . like Christ and the Church.

5.  What about husbands who abuse their leadership?  Doesn’t male headship encourage such abuse? 

When I was in the army, I saw officers abuse their position all the time.  Does that mean that the army encouraged the abuse because it had a protocol for putting those leaders in place?  Do you suppose that if the army had some different protocol in place that officers would no longer abuse their position?  Abuse of leadership happens in government, corporations, committees, sports teams, churches, schools, everywhere.  You’ve seen it often.  Having a leadership protocol that clearly establishes a leader does not cause the abuse.  It simply eliminates a fight over who that leader will be.  If anything, it, thus, alleviates abuse.

In addition, Scripture is aware of such abuse.  That is why it tells husbands how to use their leadership.  They are to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her. (Eph 5:25)  They are to lead as Christ led.

You can point to husbands abusing their leadership all day, but what you cannot do is come up with a leadership protocol for marriage that improves the abuse.  Abuse will happen no matter how you decide the leader, and it will likely happen more if you leave it up to the two of them to work it out.  Then husbands will be more likely to use their physical strength to gain what they want.  Abuse is the result of a sin nature, and it is that sin nature that makes this protocol even more necessary.

I’ve been brief in addressing these objections, but I want you to see that Christianity does not fit the simplistic caricatures of those who would malign it. Instead of reacting based on a culturally-driven feeling, stop and think through the full counsel of what Scripture says about marriage and why it says it.

Next blog, we need to talk about what Biblical leadership within marriage should look like.

Posted by mdemchsak, 0 comments
05
Jul
2019

Principles for a Strong Marriage II

Lord, as you have committed yourself to your church, and as your church has committed herself to You, may I, in turn, be completely committed to my bride and she to me. 

“Happy families are all alike.  Every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”  (Tolstoy)

Thus is the opening line of Anna Karenina.  Tolstoy then goes on to elucidate some unhappy families.  Concerning happy families, Tolstoy is largely correct.  Concerning unhappy families, he is correct mainly on the externals.  Happy families and unhappy families all experience a million different types of struggles, but the happy families endure them, while the unhappy families fall apart.  On the outside it may look as if they fall apart in a million different ways, but in reality their reason for falling apart is not external.  If it was external, then the happy families would fall apart, too.

This is how marriage is.  Marriages fail because of heart issues inside one or both spouses.  They do not fail because of financial hardship or personal disagreement or the kids leaving or any other external situation.  External situations merely reveal what is in the heart.  Thus, if you want a strong marriage, work on your heart before you work on your finances.  The heart is where God focuses.  In fact, sometimes He may work on your finances (or your health or your job) in order to work on your heart. 

Within marriage, a heart issue of the first order is commitment.  Love without commitment is not love.  Paul says, “love endures.”  It does not come and go.  This is commitment.  Commitment is what keeps a marriage together through difficult times, and when a marriage falls apart, you can be almost certain to find somewhere in the relationship a lack of commitment. 

The best way to strengthen a heart of commitment is to walk with God (see previous blog).  God will increase your desire to love and stay with your spouse.  Beyond such a foundation, commitment reveals itself through our priorities, which means it reveals itself through our choices.  Our choices both reveal our commitments and strengthen them.  God intends the marriage commitment to be stronger even than our commitments to our country, our family, our job, our children, or any other earthly thing.  Marriages fail when other commitments become stronger than our marriage commitment. 

I have seen a wife prefer to live in Australia than to live with her husband, and he wasn’t a bad husband.  I have seen husband and wife prefer their careers or a certain level of income over their marriage.  I have seen a husband prefer another woman over his wife.  All of these choices came from priorities, and in every case, the marriage was not the main priority. 

Commitment within marriage intentionally chooses the marriage over these other issues.  The wife may miss her home in Australia, but if she is committed to her husband, she stays with him, even if he does not live where she would like. The husband and wife may want successful careers, but if they must both work in different cities or continents to get ahead, one or both of them may have to forsake the successful career for the sake of the marriage.  A husband may find a prettier woman or a more pleasant one, but if he is committed to his wife, he flees the other woman for the sake of his marriage.  Commitment involves intentional choices that prioritize the marriage. 

I am not naïve.  I am not suggesting that the above situations contained only a lack of commitment.  In every case, there are personal issues or communication issues or other issues, but alongside those issues somewhere is a lack of commitment, and that lack of commitment prevents people from dealing with their personal issues in a healthy way. 

A wife needs to know that her husband is with her regardless of what happens.  And a husband needs to know the same from his wife.  When both husband and wife have complete confidence in the commitment of their spouse, they can approach their disagreements and difficulties from a position of security.  She knows that this disagreement won’t make him run, and that knowledge makes her handle the disagreement in a different way.  He knows that she will not let her mother get between them, and that knowledge causes him to relate to her family in a healthier way. 

Commitment affects everything in a marriage.  Commitment provides the greatest desire for making things right and the greatest security in difficult times. 

When you enter a marriage, you make a commitment with your words.  Genuine commitment simply takes your words to heart.  When people initiate a divorce, they violate their word.  They made a commitment with their words, but now we see that the commitment was just words.  Their word doesn’t mean anything anymore.   

Commitment is vital.  It is what makes a marriage.  Here is partly what this means in practical terms.

1.  Do not enter marriage with divorce as an option.  People say, “50% of all marriages end in divorce, and you can’t predict the future, so plan for the worst.”  This thinking has given rise to prenuptial agreements and conversations about “what if we divorce?”  These conversations take place in the name of being open and responsible.  The problem is that a commitment means you are all in, but divorce means you are not all in.  A prenuptial agreement is not a commitment.  It shows that you have one foot in the marriage and one foot at the door.  Do not enter a prenuptial agreement, and if anyone wants you to sign one, dump him or her and find someone willing to commit his or her life to you.  The person who wants a prenuptial agreement is more interested in his or her assets than in being one with you.  In marriage, the two become one.  If you enter marriage with the option of no longer being one, then you have no understanding of what marriage is.  You may be covering yourself in the event that the marriage fails, but you are also weakening the very marriage you want to succeed.  It is your commitment and not your careful planning that will make your marriage work.  One of the greatest beauties of marriage is the giving of all of you to another person.  It is expensive and risky, but it is beautiful.  The option of divorce destroys that.  Do not treat divorce as an option.

2.  Live apart before marriage but live together after marriage.  In marriage, the two become one.  Couples violate a commitment to marriage when they live in contradiction to what marriage is.  If you are not married, live as two.  But when you marry, you must come together.  That is part of your commitment to being one.  This means that the situation in which the husband lives long term in Beijing while the wife lives long term in New York must change.  Either live together in Beijing or live together in New York, but let’s not have any of this nonsense in which you claim commitment to your marriage while living as if you are not married.  If you commit to your marriage, live that way.  Your marriage is more important than your career.

3.  Have one set of finances even if you have two jobs.  We’ve discussed this already.  The two have become one.   Do not divide the money into his money and her money.  What she earns is his, and what he earns is hers.  This is what being one means.  Part of commitment is sharing the assets completely.

4.  Listen.  When you are committed to someone, you want to hear what he or she has to say.  You want to understand.  A marriage is a learning process.  When a husband commits to a wife, he wants to love her, please her, and help her, but he can’t do any of this if he doesn’t know how.  Listening helps him know how.  When a wife commits to a husband, she wants to resolve conflict, but she can’t resolve anything well until she first knows why he said what he said or did what he did.  Committed couples listen to one another.   In order to improve listening, it may be practical to have them set aside time at least weekly to be together by themselves and talk.  She can bring her topics and he can bring his.  This arrangement at least lets them both know that they will deal with their issues at some point.  He may come home and she wants to talk immediately, but he is not prepared.   Or he may want to bring up an issue about the kids but not with the kids around.   Not all times are equally good for talking, and this arrangement lets them both know that they will not sweep their issues under the carpet.  They actually are scheduling a time to deal with them. 

5.  Little Things.  When a husband commits to a wife he does these sorts of things for her:  He makes her coffee in the morning.  He lets her sleep in when he is able.  He helps her do the dishes or make dinner.  He tells her he loves her.  With words.  Often.  He writes her love notes.  He gives her hugs and kisses.  He takes care of the car or repairs the sink.  He buys her flowers.  Or ice cream.  Or takes her out for dinner.  He praises her before his friends.  He does a thousand little things like these that say, “I love you.  I am yours.”  When a woman sees this, she becomes radiant.

When a wife commits to a husband, she does these sorts of things for him:  She makes him his favorite cookies just because.  She lets him sleep in when she is able.  She tells him she is with him, no matter what.  She supports him even when she disagrees with him.  She packs him a lunch.  She puts on his favorite music in the car.  She lets him know what is going on with the kids.  She praises him before her friends.  She does a thousand little things like these that say, “I love you.  I am yours.”  When a man sees this, he rejoices. 

These little things vary with the circumstances, but when you commit yourself in marriage, you commit yourself to little things because those little things are not so little.

We could go on.  Commitment entails much more than I have mentioned here.  And the things I have mentioned are principles, not hard laws.  For example, perhaps there are special cases in which husband and wife need to keep money separate (an unjust lawsuit against one of them or a government that takes assets from a Christian man).  Or perhaps for a short time, a husband needs to move for a new job while the wife stays behind and sells a house or finishes the school year for the kids.  Or perhaps there is a military deployment.  Or perhaps there are those rare cases in which Jesus says divorce is allowed (Matthew 5:32).  But everyone understands that these sorts of situations are either short term or special cases.  You deal with them if you have to.  You do not abandon your commitment in the name of special cases.   If you did that, you would have a marriage like that of most Americans.

And you don’t want that.

Posted by mdemchsak, 0 comments
16
May
2019

Marriage Is . . .

This blog simply continues the previous one; therefore, it will be helpful to read the previous blog before reading this one. In this blog I shall define and discuss what marriage is. The definition will come straight from Scripture. Keep in mind that this blog is neither an apologetic nor pastoral advice. I hope that I say nothing new. If you read this and think, “How plain?” that’s probably a good sign. If you read this and are upset because I don’t quite fit contemporary culture, that, too, is a sign that I am on the right track. So without further ado, let’s dive in.

Marriage is . . .

the one flesh union of a man and woman for life. The Bible is consistent in describing marriage this way.

Genesis 2:23  Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

Mark 10: 2-8  And Pharisees came up and in order to test him asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?”  He answered them, “What did Moses command you?” They said, “Moses allowed a man to write a certificate of divorce and to send her away.” And Jesus said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart he wrote you this commandment. But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.’ ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife,and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh.

Ephesians 5: 25-32 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.  For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.

I repeat.  Marriage is the one flesh union of a man and woman for life.  That is the definition of marriage. 

So let’s unpack that a bit.

Marriage is a one flesh union.  Jesus said, “So they are no longer two but one flesh.”  In marriage, two people become one.  This does not mean they lose their personalities or uniqueness.  In one sense they are still two.  But they are no longer two; God has made them one.  This union is true of all marriages.  It does not matter whether the husband and wife are Christians or nonChristians — in marriage they are one.  This means that their souls are united here on earth.  Paul goes so far as to say this: “husbands should love their wives as their own bodies.  He who loves his wife loves himself” (Eph 5:28).  Thus, when a man degrades his wife, he degrades himself, for he and his wife are one; and when a woman cares for her husband, she cares for herself, for she and her husband are one.  Husband and wife cannot be separated.  The union of marriage insures that the well-being of one spouse is tied to the well-being of the other.  This is what a union is. 

Sex is a physical part of this union.  In sex, a man and woman become one flesh — literally.  This is why God reserves sex for marriage, and why He encourages it within marriage.  Within marriage, sex is an act in which two people who are one become physically one.  In this context, the sexual act is a beautiful thing.  It reinforces the reality.  Outside marriage, sex is an act in which two people who are not one pretend to be one.  In this context, the sexual act is a lie.  It defiles those who commit it and sets up a mock reality.

This union means that marriage changes how a man and woman live.  Prior to marriage, a man and woman live separate lives.  They do this because they are not one, but once they marry, those separate lives must unite.  They now live in the same home, sleep in the same bed, share the same bank accounts, cars, furniture, and so on. They may divide the chores, but they have only one set of chores now.  In the West, a wife takes on the name of her husband so that the two become one even down to their names.  These are just the externals.  Since husband and wife are one, they also need to share hearts.  They need to hope together, dream together, and rejoice together.  They need to share fears and frustrations, troubles and pain.  They are one in their struggles, one in their victories, and one in their mundane routines.  They live as one in all of these ways because they are one.  The union changes everything.

So marriage is a one-flesh union.  That is the first part of the definition. The second part states that marriage is between a man and a woman.  I am almost embarrassed to discuss this aspect of marriage, not because the truth is embarrassing but because it is so obvious. I feel a bit like a man who has to explain to people that women get pregnant and men don’t or that food is something you eat. Doesn’t everyone already know that? Do I really have to explain it? The fact that marriage is heterosexual used to be obvious and is still obvious to most societies, but many in the West would like to change the obvious, and they exert great pressure on society to conform to a new idea — that marriage can be homosexual.   I do not wish here to get into every issue involved in a discussion of homosexuality.  I want to focus on one question only.  Can marriage be homosexual?   According to Scripture, the answer is a resounding “no.”  When the Bible defines marriage, it always does so with words like “man and wife.” 

When God formed marriage, He said, “a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife.”  

When Jesus describes marriage, he says, “‘God made them male and female. Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh.”  Jesus does not appeal to culture but to creation.  He says, God made male and female.  Therefore marriage.  To Jesus, marriage is built upon male and female.   From the beginning.

When Paul defines marriage, it is in the context of a discussion on husbands and wives and ultimately refers back to Genesis.  To Paul, marriage is again a creation thing, not a cultural thing.  And when it was created, it was male and female. 

You cannot honestly look at the Bible and say that it supports homosexual marriage.   If you want to argue for homosexual marriage, you will have to say that the Bible is wrong on this issue, but if you honor the Bible, you will have to say that “homosexual marriage” is a contradiction of terms.

Marriage is male and female.  By definition.

Marriage is also permanent.  The union of a man and woman is for life.  This permanence is a result of the nature of marriage.  In marriage, a husband and wife reflect Christ and the church, a union that is inseparable.  No one can snatch the sheep from Jesus’ hand (Jn 10:28).  Nothing can separate God’s people from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus (Rm 8:35-9).  Jesus is with His people always, even to the end of the age (Mt 28:20).  We are in Christ (Eph 1-2 and many other places); Christ is in us (Gal 2:20; Rm 8:10; Col 1:27).  In other words, the Christian enjoys a permanent union with Jesus Christ.  Marriage, then, must be a permanent union in order to reflect a permanent union.  If marriage is not permanent, it fails its purpose. 

In marriage, the two become one flesh “so they are no longer two but one.”  You can break up two, but you cannot break up one without doing immense, permanent, and irreversible damage to that one.  In marriage a husband is in his wife as Christ is in the church, and the wife is in her husband as the church is in Christ.  Husband and wife are united, and even if they divorce, you can’t fully get the husband out of the wife or the wife out of the husband.  They are still in each other.  I have seen this up close in multiple divorces around me.  Marriage was designed to be permanent.

Jesus considers marriage so permanent that he says, “whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery” (Mt 5:32).  In other words, to Jesus, the divorced woman is still, in some sense, one flesh with the man she had previously married.  She may have a piece of paper that says she is free from him, but that paper is merely paper.  The one flesh union is, by nature, not something you undo with a piece of paper.  It’s not so easy as that.  Imagine a woman who had an abusive father and decided that he would no longer be her father.  She can say whatever she pleases, but the reality doesn’t change.  That man fathered her.  Marriage is this way.  The husband and wife are one flesh, and that union is permanent, whether they like it or not.  They can say what they wish and do what they wish, even divorce, but in some sense, they are still one.  Marriage is a deeper reality than they may like, but it was designed to reflect an even deeper reality than itself. 

Contemporary culture needs to grasp this aspect of marriage, for it considers marriage to be more like roommates with sexual privileges.  If you don’t like what you have, just get another.  No harm done.  This thinking is a lie.  It absolutely destroys people.  It rips apart families and undoes society.  The nonChristian sees no problem.  He swims in contemporary culture and the prevailing ideas are his water.  But the Christian should swim in Scripture and, thus, should have a much stronger and different vision for marriage. 

We do not follow society.  We do not listen to the dictator called Western culture.  We have a different king and a different kingdom, and in His kingdom, marriage is far more special, holy and beautiful than it is here because it reflects a wonderful, eternal marriage between the High King of heaven and His glorious Bride. 

Posted by mdemchsak, 1 comment
09
May
2019

Marriage Is Not . . .

The man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.”  Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.  And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.  (Gen 2:23-4)

Marriage is a universal idea.  It is Chinese, Korean, Nigerian, Mexican, European, Jewish, Muslim, Christian and secular all at once.  It is as current as this minute and as ancient as Adam.  It has existed in every culture throughout history.  Although different cultures have emphasized different aspects of marriage, the essence has remained much the same.  The difference between ancient Vietnamese marriage and modern Christian marriage is more like the difference between a Model T and a Honda than between a car and a boat. 

In Scripture, marriage goes back to the original creation.  God created marriage from the beginning; we did not invent it later.   Marriage is part of the fabric of society . . . by design.  It is foundational to the flourishing of the human race . . . by design.  It is the central construct for male/female relations . . . by design.

We must get into our heads the idea that God designed marriage . . . and that we did not.  We must, thus, look to God for what marriage is and for how marriage is to function.  This requires humility, for sometimes God says things we do not like or understand.  When God tells us the purpose of marriage, He says that He created it to be a beautiful union — a living, breathing, portrait of Christ and the Church.  But we have lost that portrait, and in doing so, we don’t know what marriage is.  The previous blog discussed this purpose of marriage; today we will begin to discuss its definition.  But before we define what marriage is, we probably should say what marriage is not.

Marriage Is Not . . .

Marriage is not built on romantic feelings.  By all means, marriage should contain romantic feelings, but it is so much more.  Much of Western culture misconstrues marriage by making emotional feelings the foundation for marriage.  Think of Romeo and Juliet, Enchanted, The Princess Bride, or the latest romantic comedy.  Boy likes girl, girl likes boy.  They “fall in love.”  They experience setbacks or their love develops, and marriage is the final step.  Western culture builds marriage on love, and who wants to argue against love?  I certainly don’t. 

But love has a thousand meanings, and when Western culture builds marriage on love, that love, more often than not, is a glorification of romantic feelings.  It may be true that romantic feelings were the initial spark that got the girl interested in the guy, but in the long run, “Romeo, O Romeo” cannot sustain a marriage.  A strong marriage can and should sustain romantic feelings, but romantic feelings cannot be the fuel for the marriage.  Sooner or later such marriages run out of gas.  If marriage is a house, romance is the furnace, but it is not the foundation. 

The irony of romance is that the marriages with the best romance are not the ones built upon romance.  Romance cannot bear that weight.  It needs a strong foundation somewhere else in order to flourish.  When marriages focus on commitment, sacrifice, and honoring the other person, romance flourishes.  That’s a great environment for romance.  But when romance is made to be the end all, it withers because ultimately romance was never meant to be the end all. 

In the West, putting this weight on romance poses a great problem for marriage.  One of the most common reasons people give for divorce is “We just don’t love each other any more.”  What the couple means is that they “lost that lovin’ feeling.”  In other words, they ran out of gas.  They portray their situation with the word “love,” but I would question whether they ever loved one another in the first place.  One of the characteristics of Biblical love is that it lasts (I Cor 13:13).

Marriage is not built on sex.  This misunderstanding is a cousin to the first.  Especially in the hypersexualized world of the West (though much of the rest of the world is moving in this direction, too), sex is often the ultimate pleasure in life.  And this is precisely the problem.   We make sex ultimate and the marriage secondary.  We act as if marriage exists to serve sex and not the other way round.  This view of marriage has the master and the servant reversed. 

God intended sex to be a physical expression of two becoming one.  It expresses the deeper reality of marriage, which is why it is reserved for marriage.  Marriage can and should foster a vibrant sex life, but sex cannot foster a vibrant marriage.  Like romance, that is too great a load for it to bear. 

Marriage is not primarily a social institution.  It is not just a place to raise children, though good marriages do provide the healthiest place in society for raising children.  It is not primarily a stabilizing force for society, though good marriages bring society more depth of stability than perhaps any other institution on earth.  Marriage clearly has societal benefits, but when people enter marriage solely for social reasons, they miss the point. 

You say, “How do people enter marriage just for social reasons?” Lots of ways. Some may arrange marriages for the purpose of family connections.  Kings did this for millennia; Hindus often do it for caste reasons.  Sometimes people marry to move up in society or to get a better situation.  Sometimes people marry because they feel societal pressure to do so. “You’re not married yet?” Sometimes a social marriage involves a husband and wife who lost their romantic feelings and now need something else to hold the marriage together.  The kids are the best excuse they have, so they turn their marriage into a mere social institution.  Then the kids grow up and leave.  At that point, the marriage either crumbles or finds another social reason to exist — financial stability or looking respectable in society. 

Most people recognize the emptiness of building a marriage on social benefits.  And virtually everyone has seen marriages in which the husband and wife were merely two people living under the same roof instead of a husband and wife.   When marriage becomes a mere social convention, the two never live as one.  They may look on the outside as if they are living as one, but on the inside the marriage is hollow.  It has no intimacy.  It has no commitment to the other person.  It may have a commitment to raising the kids or to maintaining an appearance of respectability, but the husband and wife are not committed to each other. 

God designed marriage to be a great blessing for men, women and society, but the essence of marriage is not social. 

It is also not the place to find fulfillment.  This is crucial, for many people think that if they can’t marry they will never be fulfilled.  They tie happiness to marriage.  They then marry and find that marriage can’t fill the shoes they have created for it.  I understand the desire to marry.  It is natural and good.  I had the desire when I was single; but to think, “if only I marry, then I will be happy” is to put immense pressure on the marriage, pressure that marriage ultimately cannot handle. 

This fact means that many people need to rethink their view of marriage.  If you are single, you have criteria about who you will date.  You know, nice looking, nonsmoker, interested in outdoors — these are the kinds of things people put on those dating websites.  Well, when I was single, I had criteria as well, and at the top of my list was “content in Christ.”  That’s not exactly the kind of thing you can put on a dating website, but that was nonnegotiable for me.  I was looking for contentment in a girl.  I knew that I could never make a woman content.  I’m a sinner.  And so I wanted a girl who didn’t need me to be content.  If I married someone who needed me to be content, then I would just be playing with a beehive. 

Let’s face it.  If you are not happy single, no spouse will make you happy later.  And if the guy or girl you like is not happy single, you will not make him or her happy later.  I wish I could shout that across the globe because too many people try to make marriage their fulfillment, and I’ve never seen it work.

God made us ultimately for Himself, not for a spouse.  The best marriages are the ones in which the husband and wife find their fulfillment in Christ and not in each other. 

Marriage is not about you.  This is related to the previous misunderstanding.  Too many people marry with a focus on themselves.  It is not wrong to consider what benefits a guy or girl may bring you, but it is toxic to make you the focus.  God may bring you great blessing through marriage, but the blessing is never the main point.  When the whole point of marriage becomes “what can I get out of it,” you become a beast.  You demand that your spouse meet your needs instead of trying to meet his or her needs.  In marriage, God calls a man and woman to die to self.  He tells the man to sacrifice for his wife as Christ died for the church, and He tells the wife to submit to her husband.  This is absolutely not a self-focused endeavor. 

Many marriages decay or explode because one spouse or both enter it with a focus on meeting their own needs.  They then find that their spouse does not meet their needs and that, uh oh, I have to give in to him?  Or I have to sacrifice my time for her?  Yes you do.  And if you do, you will find that you will improve your marriage if only because you begin to take the focus off yourself. 

So marriage should not be built on romance or sex.  It is not merely a social institution, nor is it the place to find ultimate fulfillment nor is it about meeting your needs.

What then is it?  That’s for the next blog. 

Posted by mdemchsak in Gender, Marriage, 1 comment
21
Mar
2019

Getting to the Purpose of Marriage

“Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. (Ephesians 5:31-2)

Praise you, Father, for the marriage you have given me. It is a wondrous gift from your hand, a portrait of an even more wondrous gift from your hand.

Everybody knows what marriage is, right? After all, most people marry at some point; and even if they don’t, they see marriages everywhere they look. In fact, the odds are that they have seen at least one marriage up close, for most people still have lived in a home with married parents.  We know marriage.

Or do we? 

For all of our familiarity with marriage, most people do not seem to have any inkling of what it really is.  Just look at the marriages.  Marital dysfunction and divorce are rampant, and I would argue that part of the reason so many marriages are so bad is that people don’t understand what marriage is.

And this ignorance is not limited to the rank and file.  Most researchers, psychologists, marriage counselors, sociologists, and therapists likewise don’t know what marriage is, for most of these “experts” completely ignore what Scripture says about marriage.  To them, marriage is an entirely earthly affair.  It is not rooted in God; it does not reveal anything about God; it participants do not answer to God; indeed, it has nothing to do with God.  They rip God out of marriage and then talk as if they understand it.  In other words, when it comes to marriage, the blind are leading the blind.

If we want to recover marriage, I’m afraid we need to put God back into it.  We need to know why He made it, how He structured it, and what He has to say about it.

So let’s begin. 

Marriage is God’s idea.  He invented it and He likes it.  A lot.  Marriage is a holy union that unholy people get to participate in.  Sometimes we like to think that marriage is an arrangement designed to meet human needs, but I’m not convinced that is true.  I wonder rather if human needs were designed to fit marriage.  After all, marriage is a picture of Christ and the church, and we in Christ are His Bride.  Through faith all Christians enter into a marriage — the marriage they were made for.

This reality is why marriage is so holy.  It reflects the very purpose for which you were made.  It is not itself that purpose.  It merely reflects it.  Thus, a single woman can be completely fulfilled without a husband because she enjoys a greater Husband.  And a married woman can experience in marriage an earthly taste of heaven because that is what marriage was designed to be.  Our little marriages were meant to point us to a much greater one. 

When you begin to see this truth about marriage, you begin to see a template for marriage, and you also see how far we have fallen.  Anything that clouds the picture of Christ and the church defiles marriage.  An abusive husband defiles the picture of Christ; a self-asserting wife ruins the picture of the church; divorce destroys the picture outright.  God meant marriage to be a wondrous blessing, but we have too often turned it into a hell. 

We need to restore marriage to its original purpose, but we can’t if we deny that purpose outright.  This world wants to improve marriages by improving communication skills or implementing conflict resolution strategies or discouraging behaviors that bring financial strain.  All of these things are good, but they go only so deep.  Marriage is Christ and the church, not just two people communicating well. 

When a husband grabs hold of a good conflict resolution strategy, he may implement it, and it may help; but it is merely a tool he uses, and it touches his heart as a hammer does.  But when that same husband begins to see that he represents Christ within a holy union, that vision touches his heart.  He wants to love his wife as Christ would.  He wants the commitment to his bride that Christ has toward His.  That husband will fail to show the perfect love of Christ, but he will also have that perfect love pulling him ever onward.  He changes from the inside. 

And when a wife sees that she represents the church within a holy union, she forms a desire to honor her husband, to remain with him no matter the cost, and to respect his leadership.  She will fail to do these things perfectly, but she will have Christ pulling her ever onward.  She changes from the inside.

When marriages fail, they fail from the inside. They do not fail mainly from inadequate relational skills or strategies but from a lack of love and commitment.  Good skills and strategies cannot survive a lack of love and commitment, but Christlike love and commitment toward the other will endure poor skills and strategies.  Bringing marriage back to Christ brings it to its origin and allows us to build it on a foundation that will last. 

Marriage is much more than we think.

Posted by mdemchsak in Gender, Marriage, 2 comments
28
Feb
2019

Does Christianity Harm Women?

This blog begins a series on gender issues. In this series we will tackle questions dealing with sexuality and gender, including what the Bible says about male and female, marriage, singleness, homosexuality, and transgender issues.  Keep in mind that these will be short blogs on topics people have written books on. I can’t say everything.  So let’s dive in.

Some time ago, I was speaking with an atheist who said to me that one of the things she most hated about Christianity was its treatment of women. In certain circles — academia, politics, the media — that sentiment is common and because those circles tend to be vocal and have a platform, you have likely heard the accusation that Christianity harms women.  So let’s address that charge. Does Christianity harm women?

To respond to such a charge we need to deal with two questions: First, what constitutes harm? And second, what does Christianity teach? So let’s begin.

What Constitutes Harm?

On one level, the question of what constitutes harm seems unnecessary, for doesn’t everyone recognize harm?  Well . . . it depends.   Let me illustrate.

Which of the following harms women? 1) The enslavement of women because they are physically weaker; 2) the practice of preventing women from economic achievement simply because they are women; 3) the concept that men and women are different; 4) the belief that men and women have different roles in the family; 5) the desire in a man to hold open a door for a woman.

I think everyone would agree that numbers 1 and 2 harm women, but I have heard people declare that all five statements harm women, for some people consider all of the above to be sexist.  And sexism is a loaded word. When you accuse someone of sexism, you say that he or she harms people based on gender and you engender in people the animus of number 1 or 2 even if all you mean is number 4 or 5. Even in contexts in which the word “sexism” may have a more narrow meaning, the connotation still entails harm.  But do all of the statements above really harm women? Most people would not recognize harm in every statement above.

Statement number 3, for most people, is simply a common sense observation. Taken at face value, it does not bring any harm to anyone. It could bring harm, of course, depending on how one applies it. For example, the Taliban might argue that one of the differences between men and women is that women are not cut out for an education and, thus, should not go to college. This would be a misapplication of number 3, not necessarily an argument that it is false. Number 3 does not say that men and women are different in every respect. It says simply that there are differences.   Taken like that, the statement itself seems rather obvious, like saying that the sun rises in the morning. Let’s put it this way. If men and women are not different, why does every society in history have different words for men and women, as if they are different? And how did the feminist movement ever begin in the first place? And why do we have gender studies at universities? Even people who accuse Christianity of harming women must have in mind an idea of “woman” that differs from their idea of “man.” Otherwise, the accusation makes no sense. My point is that virtually everyone assumes number 3 to be true, including the people who say it isn’t. The idea that men and women are different is a basic fact that everyone assumes, and it is neither sexist nor harmful. It simply reflects reality.

Statement number 4 — the belief that men and women have different roles in the family — is an application from statement number 3. You can debate whether it is a misapplication, but if men and women are different, it is no stretch to think that they may have different roles in any part of society. This, by the way, may be the real reason people want to close their eyes to gender differences. They fear the consequences. From their perspective, the reality of male/female differences opens Pandora’s box. But the fact that men and women are different is so obvious that we must risk Pandora’s box.  In fact, the idea that men and women are identical is utter nonsense and brings with it its own Pandora’s box. Which Pandora’s box do you want?  Certainly, we must be careful in how we apply gender differences, but to deny them outright simply because we fear the consequences is nothing more than sticking our heads in the sand.

So back to the question — does statement number 4 hurt women? How you answer this question will depend upon assumptions and perspectives you bring to the question. For example, throughout history, the vast majority of people, including probably the majority of women, from virtually every culture would say “different roles for men and women within the family brings no harm to women.” We need to understand that contemporary Western feminism is a strikingly minority position. That doesn’t make it wrong or right, but it does suggest that the feminist position on certain questions is not so obvious as feminists think.   On other questions, however, feminism and history would shake hands. Most cultures in history, for example, condemned rape, sex trafficking, and spouse abuse — practices that disproportionately hurt women.  Apparently some practices are obviously harmful and others are not.

So do roles within the family hurt women?  On the surface of it, different roles, in all sorts of endeavors, are rather common and often quite beautiful. They certainly bring no harm. In addition, men and women truly are different, and the family unit is built upon the union of a man and a woman. Why then would we be surprised if a man and a woman had different roles within the family? Part of what the family is built upon is that difference. And that difference is wonderful.   Statement number 4, by itself, does not obviously harm anyone. People can and do abuse it, but you can abuse anything. If I run over your neighbor with my car, you don’t blame the car.

Statement number 5 — the desire in a man to hold open a door for a woman — is a genuine desire to show respect and honor to a woman. Certainly it is often a symbolic act, and certainly many men who hold doors for women also hurt them. But when men harm women, that harm does not result because they hold open a door. It results from sin that lies elsewhere deeper in the man’s heart. Holding a door for a woman brings her no harm and actually communicates that she is special. To argue that this act harms women is a bit silly. In fact to argue this way may actually harm women, for it says to men that women are not special, and it takes the focus of abuse off of serious sin issues in the man and puts it on a symbolic act.

We’ve laid some groundwork concerning what constitutes harm. This is important because we need to see that our worldview and culture often define what is harmful. People commonly disagree over what constitutes harm. Just look at Congress. Take almost any issue — abortion, economic policy, environmental law. On that issue a Democrat will tell you that a Republican stance is harmful, but the Republican doesn’t see the harm. And a Republican will tell you that a Democrat stance is harmful, but the Democrat doesn’t see the harm. Occasionally you find issues in which Democrats and Republicans agree on what is harmful, but those are the exceptions. Harm is not always objective.

So let’s apply this to the idea that Christianity harms women. Some practices are obviously harmful in all cultures and to all people — slavery, spouse abuse, rape, sex trafficking.   But many practices are harmful only from a particular perspective, and if you don’t share the perspective, you don’t see the harm. This is crucial, for when people say that Christianity harms women, are they pointing out objective harm that everyone can see or is this partisan politics?

Now let’s talk about what Christianity teaches, and for this purpose I will address a Christian audience, and I will unfortunately have to be brief.

Gender Equality

The first thing the Bible teaches about men and women is that they have equal value and capacities for knowing God.

Genesis 1:26-7  Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness . . . “ So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

This is the beginning, the creation, and God says that He created male and female in the image of God. Thus, that which gives men value is that which gives women value. Biblically, men and women have the same intrinsic worth and the same spiritual capacities. They are of the same essence. Men are capable of relating to God and reflecting His glory, and women are equally capable of relating to God and reflecting His glory. The Bible reflects an intrinsic equality between male and female that goes all the way back to the original creation.

Galatians 3:27-9  For as many of you as were baptized into Christ have put on Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. And if you are Christ’s then you are Abraham’s offspring, heirs according to the promise.

Paul here is speaking of those who have been freed from the law through faith in Jesus Christ (vv. 21-6) and says that all who are in Christ share the same blessings regardless of ethnicity, socio-economic status, or gender. Male and female both have equal access to Christ, and when they are in Christ become part of the same family (Abraham’s offspring) and receive the same inheritance (heirs according to the promise).   This again reflects an inherent equality that exists between male and female.

In addition, consider the following:

The Biblical idea of marriage considers a man and a woman to be one flesh (Gen 3:23-5).

It was women who were the first eyewitnesses to the resurrected Jesus (Matt 28). You could say they were the ones who brought the good news to the apostles.

It was a woman who brought the good news of Jesus to her village in Samaria (John 4:39-42)

Paul considers women to be fellow workers in the Lord (Rm 16:3, 12).

Peter says women are joint heirs with their husbands of the grace of life (I Pet 3:7).

We could go on, but you get the idea. In the Bible men and women share an inherent equality, and this equality is basic to a Christian understanding of male and female.

Today, the ideas these Scriptures put forth about gender are ideas we take for granted, but when they were written, they were quite radical. Ancient Middle Eastern culture and first century Hellenistic and Roman culture were not so friendly toward women.   It is the Bible that began the process of getting people to recognize that women are of greater value than society had previously thought. Ironically, if you removed the Bible from history, there may never have been a feminist movement at all.

Gender Differences and Roles

 Genesis 1:27  . . . male and female he created them.

The Bible clearly portrays an intrinsic equality between male and female, but that equality is not the entire picture. The Bible also portrays men and women as different. God does not create the human race as one gender. He creates male and female. A man is not a woman, and a woman is not a man. They may be equal, but they are not the same. They are designed to go together like two complementary pieces of a puzzle.

Genesis 2:18ff  Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”

This text relates the original creation. It is what God intended when He first set up the idea of male and female. This is not a result of sin, for sin had not yet entered the universe. When God created woman, He created her to fit a role. God wanted the woman to be a companion and a helper for the man. Most people have no problems with the companion part, but the helper part sometimes makes modern people squirm. But God does not consider this purpose to be bad. When He finishes His creation, He says it is “very good” (Gen 1:31), and these complementary roles are part of that “very good.”

Ephesians 5:22-5, 32  Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her . . . This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.

Paul here is describing different roles within marriage, and he says that those roles represent Christ and the Church. In other words, when you look at a good marriage, you should see a picture of what the relationship is like between Jesus and His Bride. In marriage a man and woman act out a bigger marriage, an eternal marriage with Christ Himself. This means that when a man and woman marry, their act has a meaning outside themselves, above society, and rooted in God. This fact gives marriage immense importance and purpose. It means that marriage is bigger than a man and a woman. The central purpose of marriage is not just to provide companionship or sexual intimacy or societal stability or a place to raise children. Those blessings are all true of marriage, but God intended marriage to be so much more. It is a high and holy covenant and a picture of something greater than itself; thus when Paul gives different roles for the husband and wife, he has in mind this greater, eternal purpose.

When people think of marriage only as a societal institution, a personal blessing, a coming together of two personalities or a place that legitimizes sex, they completely miss it. They look only at Earth and think they understand a covenant that was meant to reflect a piece of heaven. They ignore the whole point but then claim to understand the point.

If Paul is correct about the nature of marriage, and I dare say he is, then the role difference between the husband and wife is not only harmless; it is necessary. In order for marriage to fulfill its main purpose, someone needs to act out the role of Christ and someone else the role of the church, and for society to see Christ and the church, those roles need to be consistent.

Perhaps the problem some people have with differing roles within marriage is that they view those roles as inequality. They believe that the lead role has greater value than the supporting role. Scripture does not. In fact, in Scripture the greatest is the servant of all. This is why the picture of leadership Ephesians gives to the husband is one of sacrificial love and servanthood. He is to lay down his life. The supporting role is not inferior to the lead role. To say that it is would be cultural prejudice. Think of it this way. In a waltz one partner leads and one follows, but the leading role and the following role are two equal pieces of the same dance. If the man and the woman both tried to lead, the dance would fail.

Of course, like every other part of this fallen world, sin has corrupted marriage, and we humans have greatly failed to present a compelling picture of Christ and the church, but every now and then you find a couple who lives it out. They live it imperfectly to be sure, but they live it in such a way that you can see it. The husband loves his wife. He cherishes her, protects her, sacrifices for her and leads her in love, and the wife respects her husband and willingly submits to his lead. She may at times disagree with him and let him know when she does, but she remains fully committed to him even when she disagrees. When you see this, you are witnessing a beautiful dance, a holy mystery, a wondrous yet quiet portrait of a stunning union between the high king of heaven and his radiant bride.

Does that harm women?

Posted by mdemchsak, 0 comments