Dating

30
Mar
2022

Warning Signs When Dating

If you are in a dating relationship, you want to know if it is healthy.  I’ve already given some positive principles to follow, and if you follow them, you will greatly increase your chances of having a healthy relationship.  I now want to give some warning signs.  Think of these as you might think of a warning light on your car dash.  If you see these, you need to either make some changes or end the relationship. 

Warning Signs:

  • You make time for each other, but you don’t make time for God.  How you spend your time reveals your priorities.  If you have no time for God, He is not a priority to you.  He is not first, and keeping Christ first is the most important thing you can do toward maintaining a healthy relationship.
  • You pull away from God’s people.  When a couple pulls back from God’s people, they are in danger of living in their own little world. 
  • You have no time to serve God’s kingdom.  If the relationship is pulling you out of ministry altogether, you have a problem.
  • The other person begins to cling to you.  Clinginess shows an unhealthy need for you.  It reveals a soul that is not content outside the relationship.  Contented people are not clingy, and discontented people are miserable to live with.  Thus, when you see clinginess, you are seeing someone you don’t want to marry.
  • The other person is more interested in you than in God. 
  • The other person is not free from the control of his or her parents.  I’m not talking about someone who merely lives with her parents.  I’m talking about an unhealthy control that the parents exert in this person’s life.  I’m talking about parents who interfere excessively in the life of this person.  In marriage you must leave the parents and cling to the spouse.  Parents who want to control their adult children are one of the biggest problems married couples face.  If your love can’t say “no” to parents now, he or she won’t be able to do it later either.  Of course, consider age here.  Parents should have more control over a sixteen-year-old than a thirty-year-old. 
  • At least one of you talks about living together before you are married.  Living together unmarried harms the integrity and purity of the relationship usually for the sake of convenience.  Even speaking about living together is a warning sign.  It says something about how the person thinks.  People who maintain the integrity of the dating relationship are also more likely to maintain the integrity of the marriage.  This issue by itself is serious enough to consider ending the relationship.   
  • The other person prioritizes the pursuit of money or material goods.  These priorities will not change after you marry.
  • The other person is not content in Christ.
  • The other person makes sexual advances.  When this happens, draw the line immediately.  If the other person ignores the line you’ve drawn, end the relationship now.
  • The other person is romantically involved with someone else. 
  • The other person is caught up in the broader culture.  One of the big problems with being caught up in the culture is that the culture informs how you think.  Thus, when you marry, this person will not think from a godly mindset but from a cultural one.  That will hurt you in the long run. 
  • Godly people tell you they have concerns about the relationship.  Many people will want to give you advice on your relationship.  Not all advice is equal.  But when godly people speak, you need to listen. 
  • Disagreement on fundamental spiritual issues.  Disagreement itself is not a warning sign.  All healthy couples disagree on many things.  But if you are a Christian, there are some basic spiritual issues you and the other person must see eye to eye on. Those agreements will help you resolve your disagreements.  They give you common ground on the most important things.  Examples of fundamental spiritual issues include the basics of the Christian faith: the authority of Scripture, the Incarnation, grace, the Trinity, the Atonement and bodily Resurrection, the presence of a heart relationship with Christ.   This doesn’t mean you have to agree on every spiritual point.  A believing Baptist and a believing Lutheran can have a healthy relationship.  They may have to talk through some of their disagreements, but those disagreements are minor compared to the centrality of Christ.
  • Dysfunctional resolving of your disagreements.  You will disagree, and you do not have to resolve those disagreements perfectly.  But pay attention to how you handle them.  How you handle your disagreements often says more about the relationship than the actual disagreements themselves. 
  • If either of you tries to sweep conflict under the carpet, you have a problem.  Conflict avoidance is not conflict resolution.  When people avoid conflict, they add underlying pressure to their relationship.  Over time, that pressure builds, and the long-term cost of conflict avoidance is much steeper than dealing with the conflict in real time.  Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.
  • If either of you consistently deals with conflict by using verbal abuse or strong anger, you have a problem.  The key word here is consistently.  There will be times when healthy couples out of anger speak words they regret.  Regretting those words and seeking forgiveness for them is a healthy sign.  But if someone is blind to his consistent abuse and anger, he will be difficult to live with, and he is not walking well with God.
  • To the Christian: the other person is a nonChristian.  If this is the case, end the relationship now.
  • To the guys:  a girl caught up in her looks.
  • To the guys:  a girl who wants to take the lead in the relationship.  Here we are looking at the big picture, not an event or two.
  • To the girls:  a guy who wants to dominate whether it be physically or verbally.
  • To the girls:  a guy who won’t lead or move.
  • To the girls:  a guy who views pornography.

These are just a handful of warning signs I have seen in romantic relationships. Think of them as symptoms.  If you see them, something is wrong. They do not all mean you need to end the relationship now, though some signs are more dire than others.  This is not a complete list.

Posted by mdemchsak, 0 comments
16
Mar
2022

Unequally Yoked

Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers (II Cor 6:14).

If we are going to talk about dating, then at some point, we have to talk about the concept of being unequally yoked.  This is the idea that a Christian should marry a Christian.

But before we talk about that, let’s talk more broadly about saying “no” to a potential date.  Perhaps you have had to do this and know what it is like.  The reality is that I have never met a person who would date anybody.  If you are single, you can think of people whom you would never date.  When I was single, I remember girls saying “no” to me.  And I remember girls interested in me whom I would never ask out.  The fact of the matter is that everybody has criteria to determine whom he or she can and cannot date.  If you are single, this is you and you know it.  Maybe you haven’t thought deeply about what your criteria are and, thus, can’t list them out, but you know you wouldn’t date just anybody.  I bet you could give me names of people right now whom you would never date.  You might even be able to give me reasons, and the moment you give me reasons, you are giving me criteria by which you make distinctions between eligible and noneligible dates. 

What I am describing is universal.  I say this to point out the fact that the business of excluding potential partners is something you already do, and you have no problem with it.  You have your criteria. 

Now the Biblical position on being unequally yoked simply says that one of the criteria for a Christian needs to be that the other person is also a Christian.  This is pretty basic.  So let me tell a story.

When I was a teenager, I remember hearing a youth leader speak about dating, and he advised Christians not to date nonChristians.  Inside me arose this visceral reaction.  I wanted to shout, “No!”  I felt that this leader’s advice was smack full of arrogance and that it communicated to most of the world, “I’m better than you.”  I genuinely believed that everyone was equal and that equality in dating meant that I must be open to anybody. 

Two things then happened to me.  The first is that I proceeded to walk with God.  I don’t mean I didn’t sin.  I had plenty of that.  But I immersed myself in the Scriptures.  I prayed daily.  I plugged into a church.  And I did these things from the heart.  I genuinely wanted to know God better. 

The second thing that happened to me is that I began to pay closer attention to the lives of girls, and I noticed a big difference between Christian and nonChristian girls.  It wasn’t that Christian girls were holy and nonChristian girls were sinners or that Christian girls were more fun to be around.  It was that Christian girls genuinely desired Jesus and nonChristian girls did not.  Here was the one thing in life that mattered most to me, and the Christian girls understood, but the nonChristian girls could not.  It’s not just that they did not understand.  They could not understand. 

By the time I had graduated from college, I had completely changed on this issue.  I knew Biblically, and I knew from life that as a Christian I could never marry a nonChristian.  I knew it.  And I understood that this new position was not the least bit arrogant.  In fact, it required me to humble myself before God.  I had to say, “I was wrong.”  I had to listen not so much to America but to Scripture.  I also realized that I already had seen many girls I could not date for reasons other than faith, and I did not consider myself arrogant for having those reasons.  If I was willing to say “no” to a girl because she smoked, then I also should have been able to do so because she had no faith.  Her lack of faith was a far deeper and more central issue than her smoking or her looks or even her personality, and I didn’t think myself arrogant for considering those things.  Marrying a Christian simply became one of my criteria. 

That’s my story, and I tell it to say that this is not a mere theory to me. It’s real life. I think it’s helpful to understand that before we look at the Scriptures.

So let’s now look at the Scriptures. Let’s begin with marriage itself.  I’ve already written about marriage, so I’m just going to summarize.  In marriage, “a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh” (Gen 2:28).  That is the definition of marriage Jesus gives.  If the two are one, they need to be intimate on the most important and deepest issues, they need to be one in their finances, in their priorities, in their child rearing, and in their service to God.  This is what marriage is.  In addition, the purpose of marriage is to reflect Christ and the Church (Eph 5:22-32).  This definition and purpose of marriage do not directly forbid a Christian from marrying an unbeliever, but they lay the foundation for understanding why. 

Elsewhere, however, Scripture does directly forbid a believer from marrying an unbeliever.  Here is Paul:

 Do not be unequally yoked with an unbeliever.  For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness?  Or what fellowship has light with darkness?  What accord has Christ with Belial?  Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever?  What agreement has the temple of God with idols?  For we are the temple of the living God . . . (II Cor 6:14-16)

A yoke

Do not be unequally yoked.  I imagine you have seen pictures of a yoke or have heard perhaps of a yoke of oxen.  A yoke is a heavy wooden bar that connects two animals together, usually for the purpose of plowing or pulling a cart.  The yoke takes the two animals and makes them one.  It allows them to pull together as a team.  The yoke also inextricably binds the two animals together.  This is the picture Paul gives. 

A yoke being used to pull a cart.

Paul says to Christians not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers.  The idea is that the Christian should not enter a relationship with an unbeliever in which the two are bound together as one.  He then gives his reason for the command through a series of questions.  What partnership has righteousness with lawlessness?  Light with darkness?  And so on. 

Paul is not forbidding ordinary friendships because ordinary friendships do not require that the two be bound as one.  Marriage, however, is a different type of relationship.  If ever there was a relationship in which the two are bound as one, marriage is that relationship. 

But the concept of being unequally yoked is not restricted to II Corinthians.  In the Old Testament, God commanded the Israelite men not to intermarry with the daughters of the peoples around them (Ex 34:16; Dt 7:3; Mal 2:11).  In Judges the Israelites took wives from the other peoples around them and wound up serving the gods of those wives (Jg 3:6).  In Ezra and Nehemiah the Israelites took wives from the nations around them and had to repent of it (Ez 10:2; Neh 13:23-7).  Paul instructs believing widows that they are free to remarry, “only in the Lord” (I Cor 7:39).  And, of course marriage portrays Christ and the Church.  The Church is the Bride of Christ.  The concept of an unbelieving Church is nonsensical. 

Thus, when Paul commands believers not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers, he is not communicating something new or strange.  He is simply repeating the consistent Biblical message on this topic. 

But why?  Why should believers not marry unbelievers? 

The main reason deals with your spiritual life.  When God forbade Israel from intermarrying, He says that the reason is spiritual – lest “you take of their daughters for your sons and their daughters whore after their gods and make your sons whore after their gods.” (Ex 34:16).  Significant time bound as one to an unbeliever will make it harder for you to walk intimately with Christ.  NonChristians cannot understand a complete commitment to Jesus Christ.  They cannot share with you the deepest, most important desires you have.  They will never understand your faith.

But marriage involves more than just understanding.  In marriage, a man and woman become one.  They must then live life as one.  When a believer is thus yoked to an unbeliever, the two cannot move forward together spiritually.  The believer will want to give sacrificially from their finances to the work of the kingdom.  The unbeliever will think that is the craziest idea he has ever heard.  The believer will want to raise their kids in Christ.  The unbeliever will most likely oppose that desire, but even if not, at best, the unbeliever can simply acquiesce.  She can never help out.  The believer will want to spend significant time with God’s people and serving God in ministry.  The unbeliever will not care.  The believer will want Christ to be the top priority in the family.  The unbeliever will push back on that priority. 

Imagine two oxen yoked together, and one wants to go right and the other left.  Or one walks forward but drags the other.  This is a marriage between a believer and an unbeliever when it comes to spiritual matters. 

Occasionally you hear people bring up the idea of evangelistic dating.  You know.  “What if my dating her is the only witness she has?  And if she does convert, we are then free to marry.” 

You are playing with fire.  She may convert.  She may not.  You may “fall in love” with her and all of a sudden you’re making all sorts of excuses as to why you can marry her.  And she doesn’t need you to date her for you to be a witness to her.  In fact, you’ll be a better witness to her if you don’t date her.  Follow Scripture.  Not what you want. 

In unequally yoked relationships I have seen the unbeliever convert.  It happens.  But more often what happens is that the Christian flounders spiritually and, to use Biblical language, pursues the gods of the nations. 

If you are a Christian, don’t marry a nonChristian.  Which means, don’t even date one. 

Finally, I need to say something to the Christian already married to a nonChristian. Paul addresses this situation as well. If you are a believer but your spouse is not, remain with your spouse (I Cor 7:12ff). You are married. You are one flesh for life. Love your spouse well. Pray for him or her. You have obvious limits to what you can do together spiritually, but the story isn’t over. God is in the business of redeeming the lost. Pray for that, and above all, walk with Christ yourself.

Posted by mdemchsak, 0 comments
02
Mar
2022

Dating and Sexual Boundaries

There once was a woman who landed at an airport in Columbia.  She needed to take a cab up into the mountains where the roads were windy, narrow, and had steep drop offs with no guard rails.  She approached the line of cabs at the airport, told the first driver where she needed to go and asked him how good a driver he was and how close he could drive to the edge of the road without going over the side.

The man said, “Ma’am, I am a very good driver.  I can drive within half a meter of the edge without going over.”

She went to the next cab.  “Ma’am,” that driver said.  “I can get ten centimeters from the edge.”

She went to the next cab and the man put his hands up and said, “Ma’am, if you come with me, we are staying as far from that edge as possible.” 

“Open the door,” she said.  “I’ll go with you.”

When it comes to dating and sex, most people think like the first two cab drivers.  “How close can I get without crossing the line?” 

Paul, however, commands us to “flee sexual immorality.”  The idea is not to inch our way close to immorality without going over the edge but to stay as far from it as possible. 

When you date, sexual sin is a real danger, much more than with other forms of courtship, and contemporary culture makes this topic difficult to talk about.  On the one hand, if you look at the big picture of the Christian dating scene, it is obvious that we have a problem.  I could list name after name after name after name of people who identified with Christ but who committed sexual sin before marriage.  On the other hand, we have many people who, once they hear you talk about sexual boundaries, protest vehemently.  They say you are being legalistic and setting up merely a list of do’s and don’ts.  They often say as well that you are being judgmental and creating an unhealthy atmosphere that condemns sex. 

So here I am stuck in the middle.  We have a glaring problem that I need to address, but once I do, many will say I am legalistic.  Oh well.  I guess I can’t please everybody. 

I will concede first that legalism about sex can and does exist within certain quarters, and I do wish to avoid it.  But I also need to say that many people who decry legalism are really decrying holiness by calling it legalism.  To them almost all righteousness is legalism.  They could not tell the difference between legalism and righteousness if they had to.

The Christian pursues Christ.  Part of that pursuit of Christ involves fleeing sexual immorality.  But when we flee it, we do so because we are pursuing something greater.  This is holiness.  Legalism, however, argues about the technicalities of whether an activity is OK or not. 

Now in this discussion, I will at times talk about activities that cross the line.  Unfortunately, there’s no way to avoid the idea of a line somewhere, but I don’t want our focus to be on where the lines are.  In holiness, the focus is on Christ and on honoring Him.  If He is your focus, you will not cross the lines even if you don’t know exactly where they are.  But if you focus on where the lines are, you are not focusing on Christ and will be more likely to violate the boundaries, even if you know exactly where they are.  Christ is more powerful than mere knowledge. Pursue Him.

The next thing I need to discuss is why.  Why should dating couples care about sexual boundaries?  The answer may not be what you think.  Most people think that Christians avoid premarital sex because they view sex as some dirty thing.  The reality is just the opposite.  To Christians, sex is a beautiful and holy thing; and because it is so beautiful and holy, Christians do not consider it profane.  Sex is special and is, thus, reserved for a special relationship.  Christians have a much higher view of sex than the world that ironically says the Christian view is so low.  When you are single, you need sexual boundaries because you are protecting something special.

I could say more about the Christian view of sex, but I already have.  Go here and here.  It might be helpful to read those blogs before you move on, for they lay some foundation for any healthy thinking about sex. 

Sexual passion is powerful, and the farther you walk down its path, the harder it is to turn back.  It is easier to avoid sexual sin by drawing boundaries early than by waiting until you are kissing.  Sexual sin never begins with intercourse or even kissing.  It begins with a look.  That look becomes a stare.  That stare implants itself as a recurring thought.  Maybe a week later, that thought impels you to grab her hand and another week after that to touch her hair.  Soon you are touching her waist and then her legs and then you are kissing.  The exact sequence and time frame are not always the same, but you get the idea.  You see the direction this is going in.  Each step in the progression makes the passion roar.  It is far easier to stop that progression earlier than later.  The farther down that road you travel, the more drunk you become with passion, the less clear is your thinking and the weaker your self control. 

So I want to talk about that progression and how to handle it in a dating relationship.  You need some boundaries that you will not cross.  How do you decide where they are?  Some activities are clearly out of bounds:  intercourse, petting, passionate kissing, taking off clothes, touching private parts, crude joking, and others. 

Other activities, however – hugging, holding hands – may be appropriate.  You have to decide what is appropriate, and the answer will not be the same for every couple.  I don’t mean anything goes.  No one will be able to go too far down that progression, but different couples may draw lines in different places in the early stages of that progression. 

Here are some factors to consider.  Culture will have some say about what is and is not appropriate.  You might not hold hands in a conservative Arab culture but feel comfortable doing so in a secular Western one.  Personal histories will affect what is appropriate.  If someone has a history of sexual abuse, or if the woman has experienced rape, you will likely need to honor some tight boundaries and move slowly.  If either party has a history of promiscuity, you will need to do the same but for different reasons.  Personal weaknesses factor into this.  Some people are more easily tempted than others.  If you get sexually stimulated by hugging, maybe you need to back off.  When I talk this way, I am not being legalistic but loving.  If you ignore cultural and personal factors in your relationship, you are being unloving and inconsiderate.

Remember, the goal is to honor Christ, not just avoid some behavior.  So walk closely with Christ.  If you are doing that, here are some principles that can help with sexual boundaries.

  • If an action makes you feel a twinge in your conscience, don’t do it.
  • Don’t push the other person.  If the other person is uncomfortable with something physical, back off.  That is love.
  • If the other person pushes you to take some step physically that you are uncomfortable with, end the relationship now.  That person cares more for his or her desire than for you.
  • Don’t live together until you are married.
  • Talk to one another openly about what you are comfortable and uncomfortable with. 
  • When you draw boundaries, draw them early in the relationship and don’t go far in that physical progression.  You are to flee sexual immorality, not get close to it. 
  • If possible, think through these issues before a relationship begins.  You may adjust after a relationship begins, but thinking things through beforehand will help you even in the adjustment. 
  • To the guys:  You have a built-in mechanism for determining if an action is sexually stimulating.  It’s called an erection.  Think of an erection as a warning light that the engine is getting too hot.  It’s a sign to back off. 

These principles will help you and the other person as a couple decide what is appropriate and not.  Above all, let your primary pursuit be Christ and His righteousness. Your primary pursuit must not be the other person. If you win that battle, you’ll win the war.

Posted by mdemchsak, 0 comments
21
Feb
2022

Dating and Romance: Practical Principles

In the previous blog I laid some foundation for how to think about dating and romance. I now want to build on that foundation and discuss practice. Which practices help produce a healthy dating relationship?

So here we go.

Keep Christ first

Marriage is merely a picture.  Your relationship with Jesus is the reality that marriage portrays.  Dating is just a preliminary to the picture of the reality.  Why would you sacrifice the reality in order to gain a preliminary step to a picture of that reality?  Maintain your relationship with Christ throughout the romance.  If the romance causes you to lose sight of Christ, you need to make some serious changes in the relationship or dump the romance.  If the romance causes you to compromise Biblical ethics or faith, you need to repent and make some changes in the relationship or end it.  Your relationship with Christ is a trillion times more important than your relationship with this guy or girl.

Keeping Christ first is the one thing you can do that will most help you in the dating relationship.  It keeps your priorities in order.  It provides you guidance as you walk.  It helps you think long term.  It steadies your emotions and gives them perspective.  It makes you kinder, humbler, more patient, more loving.  Faith in Christ provides an anchor in the midst of powerful emotional waves that can push you against the rocks, and it provides a rudder that will help you navigate the reefs of the sea.

If you keep Christ first, many of the other principles I mention will happen naturally.  If you do not keep Christ first, many of the principles I mention will seem crazy to you. 

Be willing to let go of the relationship

If Christ is first, then this relationship is not.  You want God’s best for you.  That may be marriage or it may not be.  Your feelings will push for marriage, but you must be willing to let go of marriage if it is not God’s best.  You may need to say “no” to what you want because it is not what God wants. 

Pray about everything in the relationship

This is part of keeping Christ first.  You want His will for you, His will for the other person, and His will for this relationship.  You want His blessing on the both of you, His direction, His presence.  Prayer does this.  It acknowledges that God is in charge, not you, and it seeks God’s desires and presence in the matter. 

Don’t let the relationship become your life

When men and women date, the temptation is to be with one another all the time, to spend their waking hours thinking on one another, being with one another, talking to one another.  This is the direction that romance pushes us toward, but it is not healthy.  You need time for God, time for rest, time for friends, time for ministry, time to read or watch a soccer match, time for the rest of your life.  Now obviously, when you date, you need some time together.  That’s part of the point of dating.  But you also need time apart.  That time apart gives you a break from the other person, and that break can help give perspective.  It allows your friends to let you know what they think about the relationship, for they will see things you will miss.  It allows you to be more real, for if you marry, you will find that you will go right back to doing all these other activities anyway.  Time for the rest of your life allows the other person to see something about the rest of your life, and that’s part of the process.  The more the relationship becomes your life, the more blind you will be to the relationship itself.  You won’t see anything except what your starry eyes want you to see. 

Dates are dog and pony shows

When a man and woman go on a date, they tend to put their best face forward.  They are more polite than usual, more considerate than usual, prettier than usual.  This means that when you go on a date, you are not necessarily seeing the real person.  You are often seeing a show.  Understand this.  This fact doesn’t mean you can never go to dinner together, but it does mean that you need to evaluate whether you are seeing the real person, and it also means . . .

When dating, do things with groups

Time with groups allows you to see the other person in a more natural setting.  On dates, people tend to be phonier, but when others are around, people tend to be more themselves.  If you spend all your time alone with one another, you are probably going to be fooled by the dog and pony show.  But if you spend time with his friends, you get to see how he treats his friends and how his friends treat you.  And he is usually less careful about putting on a show and more likely to be himself.  Groups provide a serious opportunity to see the real person.    

Groups also provide friends and family the opportunity to see the two of you together.  This puts many sets of eyes on your relationship.  You want this.  It allows people whom you respect to speak into this relationship and to do so intelligently.  They will see how the two of you act together, and they will see things you won’t.  I would recommend that most of your time together be in a group context. 

Remain within the body of Christ

This is part of walking with God.  But this deals with God’s people.  Remain in community with God’s people.  Don’t pull away from them.  This is a normal part of spiritual growth, so if you cut yourself off from God’s people, you hurt your growth with God.  In addition, ongoing and meaningful relationship with the body of Christ will help you discern what to do within a relationship.  You want godly people to see your relationship with this person. 

Don’t date someone you know you can’t marry

This is plain common sense.  If the purpose of dating is to determine marriage, and you already know you can’t marry this person, then don’t go down that path.  If you date in this situation, you’re playing with fire.  Dating can lead to marriage even if you enter it knowing you shouldn’t marry.  Romance can take over, and when it does you may no longer be thinking straight.  You may find yourself five years down the road married to someone and wishing you could get out.  But you could have gotten out in the beginning when you knew.  All you had to do was not get in; and in the beginning, it is fairly easy not to get in. 

The further you go in a relationship, the harder it is to get out.

I am not talking here purely about time, though time certainly is a factor.  In general, the more time you spend in a relationship, the harder it is to get out.  However, you can move quite far in a relationship quickly.  You do so by how you touch each other, by saying words like “I love you,” by forsaking other activities to spend time with each other, by the gifts you give, by flowers or notes, by talking about marriage, by becoming sexually involved, by living together, and by a thousand other words, gestures, and commitments.  Some of these may be appropriate, others are not; but they all serve to bind the couple together.  They make it more painful to end the relationship.  The more powerful your feelings are for each other, the more difficult it will be if you must end the relationship. 

Therefore, if you ever realize that this person is not someone to marry, end the dating relationship immediately.  Don’t wait.  The longer you wait, the harder it gets.  It may be a painful discussion, but you will show more compassion by cutting things off now. 

In addition, be wise in moving the relationship forward.  It may be God’s desire to move a relationship forward.  There’s a time to say, “I love you,” a time to give flowers, a time to write notes, a time to talk about marriage.  But understand that each of those moves increases the emotional capital in the relationship.  Pray about those moves before you make them.

If you are a Christian, look for spiritual maturity in Christ

If this relationship ends in marriage, then the two of you will be united in intimacy for life.  You want a partner who seeks Jesus first.  If you are to walk with Christ within your marriage, you will find that you will do so better with a partner who also walks with Christ.  This means that you are looking for someone who spends daily time with God, who serves his church and shares his faith, who gives of her income to the kingdom, who does not compromise ethically.  You want a person who has a right heart and a right faith.  Don’t settle for something less. 

Having said this, I also need to acknowledge that we live in a fallen world.  The person you marry will still be sinful.  There is no getting around that.  So when I say to look for spiritual maturity, I am not saying to look for perfection.  You may see some sin in this person, but the question to ask is how he responds to that sin.  Is he willing to acknowledge it?  Does she want to change?  Does he have a soft heart toward his sin?  A person’s response to his or her sin tells you more than the actual sin does.  Look for someone who handles his or her own sin in a mature way.

Trust God for the relationship

One of the themes of Song of Solomon is this verse: “I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, not to awaken or stir up love until it pleases” (8:4).  The idea is that you should not force the relationship.  Let it develop naturally.  Imagine trying to force a rose to grow.  If you were to interfere with its natural process, you would mess it up.  Dating relationships are like this.  Everyone wants the relationship to blossom on his or her time table, but God’s time table is not always ours.  If God is moving more slowly than you would like, let Him. 

I have seen girls try to force guys to a greater commitment by getting more sexual.  I have seen guys try to push a girl to a greater commitment by spending money on her or by asking her to live together. 

Be content where you are.  In Christ you don’t need this relationship.  It may be a blessing God has for you, but if you force it, you may turn His blessing into something much less. 

If you trust God for the relationship, He will provide you with appropriate times and ways to move the relationship forward, but if you simply take matters into your own hand, you will not like the results in the end.

Look at the other person’s friends

People do not choose their family, but they do choose their friends, and quality people tend to have quality friends.  That’s a generalization, but as a generalization it is true.  If you see that this other person has godly friends and strong friendships, that’s a good sign.  It doesn’t mean you end the relationship because you don’t like one of his or her friends.  But the nature of this person’s friendships suggests something.  I emphasize the word suggests. It doesn’t prove anything. This girl could have godly friends and be the wrong person for you, or this guy could have bad friendships and yet be the right guy. But these friendships are still good information.

Fit the pace of the relationship to reality

In a dating relationship, there is a time to move forward, a time to wait, and a time to end the relationship. When it is time to move, move. When it is time to wait, wait. If it is time to end the relationship, end it. I’ve seen damaged relationships when people needed to move forward but they waited. I’ve seen damaged relationships when people needed to wait, but they moved. And I’ve seen disaster when people needed to end a relationship but they didn’t.

Of course, the key is to know when to take a step and when not to, and there is no single answer to knowing that. Different people find themselves in different situations with different personalities and expectations, and it would be nice if I could give you a flat timeline that you could apply to every relationship. I can’t. What will help you in this process is keeping Christ first and seeking Him along the way. What will help you is listening well to the other person. What will help you is the counsel of godly people.

Don’t get caught up in getting everything perfect. You won’t get it perfect. But pay attention to what needs to happen at the particular stage you are in, and as best you can, do that.

To the man:

Lead in the dating relationship.  Dating is preliminary to marriage.  In marriage, the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church (Eph 5:22-24, 31-2)[1].  If you are not leading in a healthy way in the dating relationship, it will be difficult to do so after you are married.  You can’t just flip a switch and begin to relate to one another in a new way just because you said, “I do.”  Therefore, take the lead now.  Practice healthy leadership while you date, and if you do end up in marriage, you will already have healthy habits in place. 

Understand that your leadership must be like that of Christ for His church.  The Biblical leadership model is not domination.  Nor is it American entrepreneurialism.  This isn’t like running a business.  You will serve the girl as Christ served His church.  You will put her needs above your own.  Such is part of Biblical leadership.  But it also means that you lead.  You ask her out, not she asks you out.  You propose marriage when the time comes.  You seek her.  You initiate praying together, going to church together or serving together.  You are the leader.  So lead.

And because God intends the husband to be the head of the wife, that reality should inform what you are looking for in a woman.  I remember before Leanne ever knew I was interested in her, she and I were talking about something, and she made a throwaway comment about male headship in the home in a way that showed me she took it seriously.  That comment excited me, not because I desire some sort of power play but because I saw an attractive woman who took Scripture seriously on marriage.  It increased my desire to pursue her. 

Everyone is sinful.  You are and she is.  Sometimes her sin may involve her wanting to usurp your lead.  By itself that doesn’t mean you should end the relationship, but it is a red flag.  And if her desire to run the show in your relationship is ingrained in her, you will be better off without her than stuck to her for life.  A woman who honors what Scripture says about marriage shows maturity.  At least on that issue.

To the woman:

Let the man lead.  This is tricky.  Male headship within the home doesn’t mean the woman is a doormat.  Good leaders do not fear initiative in their people, and a good man won’t fear healthy initiative in you.  If he does, that is a red flag to you.  Thus, talk openly about whatever God lays on your heart to talk openly about.  Don’t be afraid to suggest that the two of you go to such and such party or that he makes a change in his ministry, or that you attend a conference together or that you pray together about something.  Don’t be afraid to plan an outing together or offer that you read a book together.  These are all initiatives that a godly leader will welcome, and they in no way usurp leadership from him.  Of course, you want him to be doing these same sorts of things too.  If all the initiating is on your side, that’s a problem.   

Confine the man’s leadership to the relationship.  When you date, you are not married.  He is, thus, not your husband and has no authority over you on any issue.  You don’t have to submit to him if he asks you to change your work, move to a new neighborhood, dress differently, buy a car, or whatever. 

Within the relationship, you are looking for a man who will lead you in Christ and serve you with his life.  Does he take responsibility for moving the relationship forward?  And does he take seriously leading the spiritual component of the relationship?  Let him lead on the big steps – beginning to date, proposing for marriage – and let him lead on those issues that deal purely with the relationship itself.  This doesn’t mean you can’t talk about marriage or about when you should meet his parents or he your parents.  It doesn’t mean you can’t initiate those conversations, but it does mean to let him lead on those issues.  Speak your mind, but let him lead. 

Do not follow his lead if he leads in an unbiblical way – he asks you to lie, he makes sexual advances, he pulls away from church.  He loses his leadership in such cases. 

These principles are incomplete and brief, but I pray they help.  I do want to talk about two other principles, but they involve a more lengthy discussion.  These deal with being unequally yoked and with sexual boundaries.  They will be separate blogs on their own.

[1] I don’t have time to flesh out what male leadership in marriage does and does not look like, but I have done that in previous blogs.  For more discussion on this topic, go here, here, and here.

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