God designed sex and marriage to go together. Marriage is the union of two souls, and God made sex to be the union of two souls. Sex communicates marriage and, thus, belongs in marriage. Everything about sex points to marriage, so we now need to talk about sex within marriage. I intend to briefly give some principles that apply to the sexual relationship within marriage. No particular order, and these are not exhaustive.
1. Sex within marriage is clean and encouraged. Sometimes Christians bring into their marriage the notion that sexual activity is sinful or dirty. This is because while they were single, sexual activity was sinful, and they can’t change their thinking. They viewed sex as something to avoid instead of something to be enjoyed at the right time. The difference in those ways of thinking is crucial. One sees sex as inherently bad; the other as inherently good. If you view sex as inherently bad, then when you marry, your idea of sex will cause problems and will need to change. Within marriage, husbands and wives have great sexual freedom, and they need to understand that fact.
2. The sexual relationship is part of the overall relationship. You can’t divorce sex from the day-to-day life of the marriage. Western culture is often guilty of this problem. It treats sex merely as a physical act, and husbands and wives sometimes buy into that lie. Sex is not merely physical, and because it is not merely physical, it is an integrated part of the overall relationship in the marriage. Sex affects the marriage, and the marriage affects sex.
This means that sexual problems often result from marital problems. Arguments affect sexual desire. A mechanical, business-like relationship between spouses gets carried over to the marriage bed. A lack of trust or respect dooms a healthy sex life. Don’t ever think you can treat sex as an add-on to your marriage. Sex is an expression of what your marriage already is, not a separate practice you get to do. If spouses want to improve their sexual relationship, they usually need to improve their marital relationship.
Indeed, the hardest part of sex is usually the relationship. A healthy sexual relationship requires commitment and trust in the rest of the relationship. It requires a husband to cherish his wife in public, in the car, in the kitchen, on the phone, everywhere. She is not a sex object for him to consume. She is a precious lady for him to love. He is to be passionately in love with her when they are not in the bedroom. And the wife is to honor her husband in public, in the car, in the kitchen, on the phone, everywhere. He is not a blind fool for her to criticize or disrespect. He is a leader she must honor.
Sex does not begin in the bedroom. It begins in public, in the car, in the kitchen, on the phone, everywhere. When a husband and wife live out a committed, passionate, loving, one-flesh relationship, they set the stage for a thriving sexual relationship. But when they fail to show commitment, trust, passion, or respect in their everyday relationship, they undermine their sexual relationship.
3. Because the sexual relationship reflects the overall relationship, sex can be a good barometer of a marriage. Can be. Sexual problems in marriage are symptoms of something else. Sometimes the cause of a sexual problem is a health issue. Sometimes the cause is past sexual promiscuity or abuse. But often the cause is a relational issue between husband and wife.
Therefore, husbands and wives should pay attention to their sexual relationship because it often communicates more than they think.
4. Sex is to be given. In sex, the husband freely gives his body to his wife in order to please her, and the wife freely gives her body to her husband in order to please him (I Cor 7:3-4). Therefore, when a husband demands sex from his wife, he violates what sex is. Husbands should never coerce sex. It must be freely given. And wives need to see sex as a gift to their husbands. The wife may not always be in the mood but may give herself to her husband anyway simply because she loves him and wants to please him. A marriage in which husband and wife strive in the sexual relationship not for their own pleasure but for the pleasure of their spouse is a marriage built for both a rich sexual relationship and a deep overall relationship.
5. Husbands and wives need to talk about their sexual relationship. This may be a bit awkward at first, but it is important for two reasons. First, the sexual relationship is significant in its own right. It affects and is affected by the overall relationship. Second, a man is not a woman. Men and women typically enter marriage with different sexual desires, drives, and expectations. Men tend to be more aroused by visual stimulation and women by the relationship. Men tend to be more quickly aroused. Sexually, a man is a microwave, while a woman is a slow cooker. Men tend to want to have sex more often than women. These are general statements with exceptions, but when you see these differences, you see the need to talk. In sex, the microwave and the slow cooker need to go at the same pace. Husbands and wives, thus, need to communicate well, be understanding and patient with their spouse, and be willing to give up what may please them in order to please their spouse. If couples never talk about these differences, they are asking for unresolved conflict. Sex is deeply intimate and discussing it presents an opportunity for couples to build trust and to learn how to please their spouse, thereby deepening the relationship.
Remember, sex is a gift. When you give a gift, don’t you want to give something that pleases the recipient? The way to learn what pleases your spouse is to ask and to talk openly about sexual issues.
6. The sexual relationship develops over time. If you stop and think about it, isn’t this common sense? Doesn’t every other aspect of your relationship develop over time? Why would we think sex is different? Sex is something that healthy couples grow in. Their sexual relationship can be much richer after forty years than it was when they were newlyweds. Or it can be worse. A lack of time, a loss of trust, a critical spirit, pornography, an affair, or bad health can all negatively affect the sexual relationship at any time. Sometimes you hear couples talk about growing in their love for one another over the years. Such growth is a real phenomenon, and because the overall relationship often spills into the marriage bed, this growth in love can deepen the sexual relationship. This fact often surprises people who consume large doses of Hollywood. In Hollywood, by and large, sex is at its peak when people are young. In the real world, however, this is not necessarily the case. Listen to Proverbs: “May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth” (5:18). The phrase, “wife of your youth” suggests that Solomon is addressing an older man, and the surrounding text encourages a healthy sexual life. Here is how it continues: “A loving doe, a graceful deer— may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love” (5:19-20). God intended sex to be like good wine that improves with age and not like milk that spoils in two weeks. The marriage night should be the first step and not the pinnacle of the sexual relationship.
