mdemchsak

Feb

2020

Christianity and Homosexuality

“Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Mt 22:39)

“Love does not delight itself in evil but rejoices in the truth.” (I Cor 13:6)

Praise you, Father that you give your people your love for all. And praise You, Father, that you give your people a delight for righteousness and truth. And praise you, Father, that love and righteousness go together.

We’ve been discussing issues related to gender, marriage, and sexuality, and within contemporary culture that means that we have to say something about homosexuality. You would have to be awfully ignorant of Western culture to fail to see that those who peddle the culture vehemently push you to accept homosexuality as normal, legitimate behavior, and they will do whatever they can to drive the culture in that direction.

In light of this, the church must speak. If it doesn’t speak, then many in the pews will blindly follow their culture, and that would be a disaster. Scripture must judge culture, not the other way around. An unbiblical culture should not be telling Christians what the Bible says and means. That’s a bit silly . . . and sinister.

So we must speak. But I suppose the first thing we need to do when discussing homosexuality is to distinguish between how we treat homosexuals as people and how we view homosexuality as a behavior.

Christians must love homosexual people because Jesus tells us to love our neighbor, and homosexuals are our neighbors. This is a command, not an option. But what does this love look like? Love is not a vague feeling we can shape in any way we wish. The Bible describes love when it tells us how to live. For example, Scripture says, “Let no unwholesome talk come out of your mouth.” (Eph 4:29) Gay slurs are unwholesome talk. They are sin. Scripture says, “Consider others as more important than yourself.” (Ph 2:3) Looking down on homosexuals from a self-righteous position is sin. Scripture says, “Do to others as you would have them do to you.” (Mt 7:12) Beating up gay men is sin. Showing them disrespect is sin. Failing to honor them as people is sin. Those who mistreat homosexuals are not acting as Christians but as sinners. This needs to be clear. Christianity never endorses or encourages the mistreatment of homosexuals. Instead it calls people to love them.

This means if you have homosexuals in your work place, respect them as professionals. Invite them for lunch, and you initiate it. Show genuine interest in their lives. If you have homosexual neighbors, have them into your home. Take them some cookies. Help them move a piece of furniture. Take them to a picnic you are going to. Visit them in the hospital. Sacrifice your desires for their good. Do these things gladly, and be open about your faith.

Christians should be the first people to show Christ’s love to homosexuals. This is not negotiable.

But love does not endorse every lifestyle. Love is not agreement. Everyone knows this, for everyone has seen a father love a son who had done something wrong. My wife loves me even when I am rude and selfish toward her, and I will be the first to tell you that my selfishness comes naturally. My wife does not affirm my selfish nature, but she loves me nonetheless. In fact, if she did affirm my selfish nature, she would not be loving me.

To say that love must accept every idea or behavior is cheap. It is not love. In fact, if the truth be told, love shines more brightly in the midst of disagreement. When my wife loves me even after I wrongly put her down, her love stands out even more. Such love shows God’s pattern, for “God demonstrates His love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Rm 5:8) God loves all people who by nature think and do what He hates. In other words, God love sinners, which means that He loves the world. When God calls certain behavior sin, He is not being hateful. He is being faithful to His character and showing His love even more.

Now when we come to homosexuality, we find that Scripture clearly calls such behavior sin. In fact, Scripture could not be clearer. But it is also clear that God’s people must show love to everyone. So how do you show love to people who sin? Such love, by itself, is hard. I rather think you need God for that. But here in the West, when it comes to homosexuality, the position the Christian is in is even harder, for Western culture has defined love in such a way that one must affirm sin in order to love a person? It’s like saying that I must accept racism to love a KKK member, that I must accept adultery to love an adulterer, or stealing to love a thief. For a Christian, this is impossible.

The Christian must love. Make no mistake about that. But the Christian’s love must and will look different from the “love” Western culture wants to see. What Western culture wants is not love. It wants sexual freedom, and it will shame genuinely loving people and call them hateful if they refuse to accept this sexual freedom.

What this means is that many people immersed in Western culture will never see the genuine love that Christians have for them. For Christians, this situation is sad, but we must live with it. God does. Most people never recognize the love God has for them, but it is real nonetheless. As Christians it is our responsibility to love people. It is not our responsibility to make those people affirm our love. If they are blind to it, there is nothing we can do. Except pray. And continue to show kindness.

Oct

2019

Sex Within Marriage

God designed sex and marriage to go together. Marriage is the union of two souls, and God made sex to be the union of two souls. Sex communicates marriage and, thus, belongs in marriage. Everything about sex points to marriage, so we now need to talk about sex within marriage. I intend to briefly give some principles that apply to the sexual relationship within marriage. No particular order, and these are not exhaustive.

1. Sex within marriage is clean and encouraged. Sometimes Christians bring into their marriage the notion that sexual activity is sinful or dirty. This is because while they were single, sexual activity was sinful, and they can’t change their thinking. They viewed sex as something to avoid instead of something to be enjoyed at the right time. The difference in those ways of thinking is crucial. One sees sex as inherently bad; the other as inherently good. If you view sex as inherently bad, then when you marry, your idea of sex will cause problems and will need to change. Within marriage, husbands and wives have great sexual freedom, and they need to understand that fact.

2. The sexual relationship is part of the overall relationship. You can’t divorce sex from the day-to-day life of the marriage. Western culture is often guilty of this problem. It treats sex merely as a physical act, and husbands and wives sometimes buy into that lie. Sex is not merely physical, and because it is not merely physical, it is an integrated part of the overall relationship in the marriage. Sex affects the marriage, and the marriage affects sex.

This means that sexual problems often result from marital problems. Arguments affect sexual desire. A mechanical, business-like relationship between spouses gets carried over to the marriage bed. A lack of trust or respect dooms a healthy sex life. Don’t ever think you can treat sex as an add-on to your marriage. Sex is an expression of what your marriage already is, not a separate practice you get to do. If spouses want to improve their sexual relationship, they usually need to improve their marital relationship.

Indeed, the hardest part of sex is usually the relationship. A healthy sexual relationship requires commitment and trust in the rest of the relationship. It requires a husband to cherish his wife in public, in the car, in the kitchen, on the phone, everywhere. She is not a sex object for him to consume. She is a precious lady for him to love. He is to be passionately in love with her when they are not in the bedroom. And the wife is to honor her husband in public, in the car, in the kitchen, on the phone, everywhere. He is not a blind fool for her to criticize or disrespect. He is a leader she must honor.

Sex does not begin in the bedroom. It begins in public, in the car, in the kitchen, on the phone, everywhere. When a husband and wife live out a committed, passionate, loving, one-flesh relationship, they set the stage for a thriving sexual relationship. But when they fail to show commitment, trust, passion, or respect in their everyday relationship, they undermine their sexual relationship.

3. Because the sexual relationship reflects the overall relationship, sex can be a good barometer of a marriage. Can be. Sexual problems in marriage are symptoms of something else. Sometimes the cause of a sexual problem is a health issue. Sometimes the cause is past sexual promiscuity or abuse. But often the cause is a relational issue between husband and wife.

Therefore, husbands and wives should pay attention to their sexual relationship because it often communicates more than they think.

4. Sex is to be given. In sex, the husband freely gives his body to his wife in order to please her, and the wife freely gives her body to her husband in order to please him (I Cor 7:3-4). Therefore, when a husband demands sex from his wife, he violates what sex is. Husbands should never coerce sex. It must be freely given. And wives need to see sex as a gift to their husbands. The wife may not always be in the mood but may give herself to her husband anyway simply because she loves him and wants to please him. A marriage in which husband and wife strive in the sexual relationship not for their own pleasure but for the pleasure of their spouse is a marriage built for both a rich sexual relationship and a deep overall relationship.

5. Husbands and wives need to talk about their sexual relationship. This may be a bit awkward at first, but it is important for two reasons. First, the sexual relationship is significant in its own right. It affects and is affected by the overall relationship. Second, a man is not a woman. Men and women typically enter marriage with different sexual desires, drives, and expectations. Men tend to be more aroused by visual stimulation and women by the relationship. Men tend to be more quickly aroused. Sexually, a man is a microwave, while a woman is a slow cooker. Men tend to want to have sex more often than women. These are general statements with exceptions, but when you see these differences, you see the need to talk. In sex, the microwave and the slow cooker need to go at the same pace. Husbands and wives, thus, need to communicate well, be understanding and patient with their spouse, and be willing to give up what may please them in order to please their spouse. If couples never talk about these differences, they are asking for unresolved conflict. Sex is deeply intimate and discussing it presents an opportunity for couples to build trust and to learn how to please their spouse, thereby deepening the relationship.

Remember, sex is a gift. When you give a gift, don’t you want to give something that pleases the recipient? The way to learn what pleases your spouse is to ask and to talk openly about sexual issues.

6. The sexual relationship develops over time. If you stop and think about it, isn’t this common sense? Doesn’t every other aspect of your relationship develop over time? Why would we think sex is different? Sex is something that healthy couples grow in. Their sexual relationship can be much richer after forty years than it was when they were newlyweds. Or it can be worse. A lack of time, a loss of trust, a critical spirit, pornography, an affair, or bad health can all negatively affect the sexual relationship at any time. Sometimes you hear couples talk about growing in their love for one another over the years. Such growth is a real phenomenon, and because the overall relationship often spills into the marriage bed, this growth in love can deepen the sexual relationship. This fact often surprises people who consume large doses of Hollywood. In Hollywood, by and large, sex is at its peak when people are young. In the real world, however, this is not necessarily the case. Listen to Proverbs: “May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth” (5:18). The phrase, “wife of your youth” suggests that Solomon is addressing an older man, and the surrounding text encourages a healthy sexual life. Here is how it continues: “A loving doe, a graceful deer— may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love” (5:19-20). God intended sex to be like good wine that improves with age and not like milk that spoils in two weeks. The marriage night should be the first step and not the pinnacle of the sexual relationship.

Oct

2019

Marriage and Sex

SHE: “Behold, you are beautiful, my beloved, truly delightful . . . His left hand is under my head, and his right hand embraces me! I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem . . . that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.” (Song of Solomon 1:17; 2:6-7)

HE: “Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away.” (Song of Solomon 2:13)

Lord, You have blessed marriage with sex, and you have blessed sex with marriage. Thank you for putting those blessings together and making our lives richer because of it.

If I am going to talk about gender issues and marriage, I’m afraid at some point I have to talk about sex, and I want to begin by talking about real people.

A young, single friend of mine came to me one day to confess with tears that he had lost his virginity the previous weekend.

A single woman I knew, with great regret, told me she had had sex with a man I knew.

A young dating couple in tears confessed that they had had sex on a trip they had just taken together.

These are all true stories that show that sex is not like other human drives. People don’t break down in tears because they ate too much sushi last night. Food is food. It is necessary for our bodies, but it doesn’t touch our souls as sex does. In sex you give to another person your body, soul, heart, emotions, and spirit. In sex you give it all. Sex is not just another human appetite. The regret and pain common when people engage in illicit sex result from the realization that they just gave everything to someone they had no business giving everything to. Sex is the physical expression of a one-flesh union, but sex is not merely physical because a one-flesh union is not primarily physical.

Sex is God’s invention. Within marriage, He encourages it, commands it, and even applauds it. The one thing you must never do is think that Christians are prudes who believe sex to be some dirty, evil act we must avoid at all costs. On the contrary, Christians have a much higher view of sex than the rest of the world. If the Western world is correct, and people can engage in consensual sex with anyone they please at anytime they please, and if sex requires no commitments, no uniting of lives, then sex is not much different from what the dogs do.

Christians do not believe this. God designed sex to be a holy act. Because marriage is a picture of Christ and the church, sex is a re-enactment of the union between Christ and the church. It displays the oneness we have in Christ and the ecstasies that shall be ours in glory. Indeed, when we unite ourselves with Christ, we shall one day experience a revelry and joy that will make sexual pleasure seem like cleaning the tub.

Thus, Christians view sex as a wonderful gift from God, but they do not believe that sex is the ultimate pinnacle of life. Within marriage, sex may be a holy act, but it cannot fulfill you. The quest for fulfillment through sexual pleasure is tragic and sinful. It produces empty, broken lives. People need to see sex under God in its proper place. Otherwise, it becomes a god that people enslave themselves to. It rises to a central place in their lives, sometimes to the point that people even identify themselves on the basis of their sexual expression.

Sex does not define you. You are no more special or successful because you have sex, nor less so if you are a virgin. Your identity is not tied to sexual expression, as if who you are is nothing more than your sexual desire. To make your identity a sexual preference is to deny who God says you are and to inflate the importance of sex. Sexual identity is a modern concept and is more the product of a sex-saturated and sex-infatuated culture than the reflection of who you are. As good as sex is, it is not that central to life.

So what are the purposes of sex?

1. Sex reflects a one-flesh union. In marriage a man and woman become one flesh (Gen 2:24-5; Matt 19:3-6). In sex, a man and woman become one flesh. Paul says that the reason a man should not have sex with a prostitute is this: “. . . do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, ‘The two shall become one flesh.’” (I Cor 6:16) Paul’s point is not that a one-flesh relationship is nothing more than sex but that sex enacts the one-flesh relationship. He is shocked that people would consider becoming one body with someone they are not one with.

2. Sex expresses your love for, your oneness to, and your pleasure in your spouse . When you read Song of Solomon, you find that the husband and wife are constantly expressing their love for the other and their delight in the other in the context of what can only be described as the sexual act. They speak with their words, but they speak with their bodies as well. In sex, your body says, “ “I am yours . . . completely.” Sex says, “I love you.” Sex says, “You are the only one for me.” Sex says, “We are completely one.” Sex says, “You are my delight.” Sex communicates all of these ideas, and it does so with body and soul.

3. Sex gives. This truth is contrary to Western culture, which is extraordinarily self-focused when it comes to sex. Scripture says this: “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband.” (I Cor 7:3) This text refers to sex, and when it addresses the husband, it tells him to give; and when it addresses the wife, it tells her to give. If you read on, you find out why: “For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.” (I Cor 7:4) In other words, the wife’s body is meant for her husband, and the husband’s body is meant for his wife. God’s purpose in sex is not to see what pleasure you can get out of it but to give yourself fully to increasing the pleasure of your spouse. Sex was never meant to be a self-focused endeavor. That attitude is always dysfunctional.

4. Sex strengthens marriage. This purpose flows naturally out of the purposes mentioned above. Because sex reenacts the one-flesh union, it serves as a reminder that husband and wife are one. Because sex says, “I am completely yours . . . you are the only one for me . . . I love you with all I have,” it reinforces the bond between husband and wife. Because sex gives to the other person everything, it unites souls. Sex reinforces the marriage bond.

I do not mean that all couples will experience such reinforcement merely by having sex. Sex is not a panacea for marital dysfunction, but within the proper context, it does strengthen a marriage. Exercise strengthens a person’s overall health, but it is not the solution to every illness. Exercise is merely one piece of a regimen for a healthy body; sex is merely one piece of a regimen for a healthy marriage. When sex reflects the one-flesh union that a husband and wife live daily, it reinforces that union; but when sex enacts a one-flesh union that the couple never lives, it is incomplete.

5. Sex is for reproduction. Sometimes people want to focus on the recreational aspects of sex and ignore this, but when God created male and female, He commanded them to be fruitful and multiply (Gen 1:28). In other words, God commanded them to have sex for the purpose of having children. Marriage and children go together. I don’t mean that all couples are able to have children, but I do mean that if you marry at an age appropriate for children and if you have no health issues precluding children, you need to be open to having children. God may or may not grant children, but that is His prerogative, not yours. Sex is for reproduction.

Why do Christians restrict sex to marriage?

This is a common question people ask, but if you have read thus far, the answer should be obvious. God designed sex intentionally for marriage.

Sex acts out in a multidimensional way the marriage commitment. Sex portrays a one-flesh relationship. Literally. Sex portrays marriage. Sex communicates commitment, even if that commitment is unspoken. When a man has sex with a woman, he is making a promise to her, even if he denies that promise with his words. When a man has sex with a woman, they are telling each other that they are one and that they completely belong to each other. When a man has sex with a woman, he gives to her a piece of himself that she will have the rest of her life. The sexual act does all of the above quite apart from intent. This is why Christians reserve sex for marriage.

Sex apart from marriage is an absolute lie, for it communicates a oneness that does not exist. It says, “I am completely yours” to someone you have not committed your life to. It gives away body and soul to someone you don’t intend to share body and soul with. To become one with someone sexually without becoming one in marriage is deceitful and cruel. You say one thing with your body, but you don’t mean what you say.

Sex is a powerful force. When people handle fire, they put restrictions on how they handle it. When people work with electricity, they put restrictions on how they do so. Sex is fire. Sex is electricity. Handled the right way, it can light a city, but handled the wrong way, it can burn that city to the ground. You cannot handle sex any way you please without severe consequences.

The Western world for roughly the past sixty years has been ignoring God’s restrictions when it comes to sex. It frequently calls the Christian sexual ethic prudish, backwards, obtuse, and cruel. You might as well tell the electrician that he is backwards and cruel for commanding people to stop picking up live wires with their bare hands. The Western world is largely blind to the damage of unrestricted sex. It says that sex is a beautiful expression that two people who love each other should be able to engage in when they want.

The Christian heartily agrees with that last statement, but the Christian says that if those two people truly love each other, let them commit their lives to one another. If they will not commit their lives in marriage, then let’s have none of this nonsense talk of loving one another. They don’t love one another. Let them marry. Then they will find that sex is a beautiful expression that two people who love one another should be able to engage in when they want.

Make no mistake. God made sex for marriage. Within marriage, it is a beautiful and powerful force for uniting a husband and wife and creating new life. But outside marriage sex is sin. It kills marital intimacy and divides marital oneness. Those who practice extramarital sex hurt themselves, their sexual partners, and marriage itself.

If you have sinned sexually, please know that God offers cleansing and forgiveness through Jesus. God can restore you and can heal your marriage (or your future marriage), but for God to do so, you will have to repent and trust in the Cross of Christ to cover your sin and make you new. But please do know that you have great hope in Christ.

This blog has dealt primarily with introductory matters: What is sex? What are its purposes? Why does God put restrictions on it? Next week, we will talk about some principles for maintaining a healthy sexual relationship within marriage.

Walk with Him.

Sep

2019

The Marriage Dance

“Husbands, love your wives . . . (Eph 5:25)

“Wives, submit to your husbands . . . (Eph 5:23)

Father, let me lead Leanne in love, as Christ would lead His church. I need you for this.

One of the biggest problems people have with the Biblical description of marital leadership is that they never consider what Scripture says about that leadership. They have in mind their own notions of leadership, often from seeing sinful, abusive leaders, and they replace Biblical leadership with their own notions and then proceed to smack down Biblical leadership. When they do their smack down, however, they are never really smacking down what the Bible says but an inflatable punching doll they have set up.

Therefore, in this section I want to present what the Bible means when it calls a husband to lead his wife. Immediately after Paul says that the husband is the head of the wife (Eph 5:23), he describes how husbands are to treat their wives:

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself . . . (Eph 5:25-33)

Biblically, husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church and as they love their own bodies; they are to sacrifice for their wives as Christ gave himself for the church; they are to nourish and cherish their wives as Christ does the church; they are to hold fast to their wives. In short, they are to treat their wives as Christ treats the church. This is Biblical leadership within marriage. If husbands practiced this type of leadership, women would be loved, cherished, nourished, and their men would be willing to die for them. If you want to argue against what the Bible says about leadership within marriage, then argue against that. But let’s not have any of this nonsense that claims the Bible encourages male domination.

God calls men to lead their wives as Christ leads His church. This idea was revolutionary in the first century, and it is still revolutionary today. Thus, men, the best way to lead your wives well is to walk with Christ well. He is the model for leadership. He gives the power to lead in a Christ-like manner.

Therefore, lead with gentleness. Lead with compassion. Lead with a desire to understand your wife. Lead by listening to her. Lead by caring for her. Lead by trusting her. Lead by sacrificing your desires. But lead.

Leading doesn’t mean you do everything. If your wife is better at handling the finances, let her handle the finances. If she is better at choosing a medical plan, let her take the lead on choosing a medical plan. Good leaders give great responsibility to those they lead. Doesn’t Christ grant great responsibility to the church?

And yet Christ is the head. To delegate responsibility is not to abdicate it. The husband is still ultimately responsible for the family.

I’ve been brief, but this is the first partner in the marriage dance.

The second partner is the wife, and Scripture addresses her role as well:

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands . . . and let the wife see that she respects her husband. (Eph 5: 22-4, 33)

God calls a wife to submit to her husband just as the church submits to Christ. In the dance, she follows his lead. Because “submission” is a lightning rod word, I need to describe what it does and does not mean.

1) Submission does not mean the wife sins because the husband tells her to. A wife submits to God first. If a husband says, “Let’s fudge these numbers on our taxes,” or “let’s lie to your sister,” the wife cannot go there. She answers to God first, and she is responsible for her own actions.

2) Submission does not mean the wife never speaks up when she disagrees with her husband. You might as well say that the chief operations officer should never speak up when she disagrees with the CEO or that the secretary of state should never speak up when she disagrees with the president. Do you see how crazy that is?

3) Submission does not mean the wife should let her husband abuse her. Submission has a purpose, and physical or sexual abuse violates that purpose. If a husband physically or sexually abuses the wife or the children, the wife may need to contact the police and/or separate herself and the children for a time. This is obvious when we look at leadership outside of marriage. No one would question the idea that an assistant manager should submit to her manager, but if that manager physically abused her, the principle of submission does not require the assistant to sit around and get bludgeoned.

So what does submission mean?

It is simply this: Biblical submission is a voluntary yielding to a leader.

That’s it.

The purpose of Biblical submission within marriage is to reflect Christ and the church and to combat division when husband and wife cannot resolve a disagreement. In addition, submission is always a heart issue. When the church submits to Christ, she is to do so willingly from the heart. Grudging submission is not submission. It looks like submission on the outside, but the heart is what counts.

In life, the principle of submission says that people should submit to their leaders unless those leaders encourage or engage in activity contrary to God’s will. The principle also says that people should practice this submission with respect and honor toward the leader, even if the people disagree. The principle applies in every realm of life: government, work, school, committees, sports teams, and more.

The Bible calls a wife to this principle in the home. Submission is merely a recognition of leadership. Thus, the Bible calls wives to recognize the leadership of their husbands.

When a husband leads as Christ and a wife willingly submits as the church, you see the dance. If both wanted to lead or neither would lead, the dance would get ugly. When people today call for women to abandon ordinary submission within marriage, they deny Scripture and encourage immaturity and rebellion in women. In doing so, they help destroy the picture of Christ and the church.

They perhaps mean well. They want to combat abuses, but their solution for a broken arm is to cut the arm off altogether.

A Picture

Submission does not primarily come into play when husbands and wives agree. It frequents the intersection of disagreement and decision, for it is at that intersection that someone must yield. So let’s bring up a disagreement and briefly discuss how Biblical leadership and submission play out.

Let’s say a husband receives a job opportunity. It would be a high-paying, good-for-the-career job at a firm in Dallas. He currently works at a less favorable job, but its location is close to family in Beijing.

The husband believes the couple should take the job in Dallas. The wife believes they should stay in Beijing. Each has different reasons for his or her opinion, and they are legitimate reasons. I want to give three scenarios to show how different couples handle this disagreement, but I will end with the scenario that reflects Biblical leadership.

The first scenario is easy to describe and unfortunately quite common. Both husband and wife approach the disagreement with a plan on how to get their own way. They are self-centered. They fight or manipulate, and the husband may get physically abusive. In the end, someone “wins” and someone “loses” unless they both stand their ground, and she stays in Beijing while he goes to Dallas. In that case they both lose. This marriage has little to no constructive communication. Both parties want what they want and will do whatever they can to get it. The basic problem is not communication but this: he won’t love, and she won’t submit. Those are heart issues. The dysfunctional communication is merely a symptom of the main problem. Unless God interferes, these marriages are on a road toward divorce.

The second scenario is more complex.

The husband is much the same as the first scenario. He wants what he wants, and he is going to do whatever he can to get it. He offers no opportunity for open communication and won’t listen when the wife speaks. He gets argumentative and perhaps abusive.

The wife, however, wants to honor God, but she strongly feels that a move to Dallas would be a mistake. What does she do?

If she is going to honor God, she begins by bringing this matter to God in prayer. She needs to pray for her husband, not that he will see things her way, but that God will give him a receptive heart. She needs to pray for herself, that God will grant her His heart and mind, that God will give her wisdom and grace in dealing with this issue. She also needs to pray for God’s will in this matter. She personally wants to stay in Beijing, but is that what God wants? She needs to be willing to give up her desire if God wants the family in Dallas. This principle is part of dying to self, and it is crucial.

She needs to communicate with her husband. What she says depends largely on what she hears in her prayer time, but her husband needs to hear from her. She needs to respectfully bring up the issue and why she disagrees with his decision. He may respond favorably or not. He may flare up. He may not listen at all. But he needs to hear his wife. If he becomes abusive, she may need to contact authorities or separate herself for a time. Through this process if she behaves respectfully, she has a greater chance of influencing his heart than if she calls him names and stoops to his level. Those practices take her to the first scenario.

Again, in this marriage, the real issue is not Dallas or Beijing. This couple has deeper problems than “which town they will live in.” The woman married a man who will not listen to her, and now she is bound to him . . . whether she likes it or not. This wife needs to think long term about what is best for the marriage and not just about where the family will live. She needs to pray for her husband. She needs to honor him. She may encourage counseling, but he may not go. Ultimately, she needs to walk with God. She needs the church, the Word of God, and the Spirit. Her marriage is a picture of a greater marriage, and she needs the support of her heavenly husband — Christ. He will give her greater strength, grace and wisdom to deal with her earthly husband. The closer she gets to Christ, the less rebellious she will be toward her husband. Walking with God and rebellion do not go hand in hand.

So then, let’s suppose the husband does not listen to her and decides to move the family to Dallas. In this case, moving to Dallas is not sinful, even if she believes it is not wise. And though the husband is clearly being selfish, he is not asking his wife to violate God’s commands. For the sake of the marriage and in order to honor Christ, she needs to respectfully go to Dallas. She may disagree with the decision, but she needs to support it just as the Secretary of State needs to support a presidential decision that the Secretary of State disagrees with. Such submission brings the most honor to Christ, and in the long run is best for the marriage. In the long run, she will need to be praying for her husband, respecting him, loving him, and communicating with him her thoughts on their marriage, but she loses the opportunity to do those things if she stays in Beijing.

The final scenario is one in which the husband leads in a way that reflects Biblical leadership in marriage.

How should the husband lead through this situation?

1. He must begin by bringing the decision to God. He needs to give his desire to God and be open to the possibility that his wife is right.

2. As he prays through this decision, he needs to talk to his wife and listen. He must allow her to express her opinion and her reasons for it.

3. As they discuss, he needs to let his wife know his position and why he holds it, but he must present this in a loving manner. Both husband and wife need to be free to ask honest questions of each other.

4. He must continue to pray and be willing to let go of his desire.

5. Through this process, perhaps God changes his stance and he now agrees with his wife. Or perhaps God changes the wife’s stance, and she now agrees with her husband. In these cases, we now have agreement, and submission is no longer necessary. But what if no one changes? He still feels they should go to Dallas, and she still feels they should stay in Beijing.

6. It is now clear there will be no mutual decision, but at some point, the couple must make a decision. When that time comes, the husband needs to decide. He should not go against his wife’s counsel lightly, but in the end he may need to. The couple cannot live in Beijing and Dallas. That will divide the marriage.

God may lead the husband to honor his wife’s request and stay in Beijing. Sometimes good leaders submit to the judgment of those they lead. Or God may tell the husband to take the family to Dallas. If the husband still believes God is calling his family to Dallas, he needs to move them to Dallas.

That’s the first partner in the dance.

The second is the wife. How does she submit in this process?

The wife must walk through steps one through five above as well. Once we get to step six — it is clear there will be no mutual decision — she must now respectfully honor her husband’s decision. This means the following:

She is grateful for her husband.

She does not complain in her heart.

She does not talk negatively about the decision behind her husband’s back.

She supports the decision in front of the kids or to family or friends.

She does not manipulate to get her way.

She willingly moves to Dallas.

In the end, she honors the decision of her husband just as any other person would honor the decision of his or her leader. In doing this, she strengthens her marriage and acts out the role of the church with Christ.

This final scenario is a healthy marriage. Husbands and wives don’t have to agree on everything, but they do have to remain one, and that is why submission is necessary.

Aug

2019

Marriage and Leadership: Some Objections

You are all children of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. (Gal 3:26-8)

Wives submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. (Col 3:18)

Lord, you have given me a wonderful wife and life partner in Leanne, and I am so grateful. By your grace, make me a leader who honors her.

Before you read this blog, please read both Scriptures quoted above. OK. Understand that both of those Scriptures are true. In Christ there is no male or female. Men and women stand equally before the throne of God. But within marriage, God commands wives to submit to husbands.

If you have lived in the West for even a short time or have extended exposure to Western media, the Scripture on submission rubs your hair the wrong way, doesn’t it?. Don’t your insides rise up against the idea of women submitting? Isn’t this sexist and old-fashioned? Hasn’t society come a long way in order to throw off these oppressive notions? This is your reaction, isn’t it? You have questions about this. So let’s deal with some of those questions

1. Doesn’t submission negate the equality of the wife? If the wife must submit to her husband, then the two are not equal.

This objection always comes up and in various forms, for this objection lies at the heart of all the other objections we shall discuss.

So, let’s discuss. Equality is a matter of essence. Roles do not change equality because roles do not change essence. On a basketball team, the point guard is not superior to the power forward, even though the point guard runs the offense. In a symphony, the conductor is not superior to the violinist, even though the conductor directs the violinist when to play. Before God conductor and violinist are equals. Their role does not change that equality. When people say that submission negates equality, they are saying that equality is tied to a role and not to the essence of a person. This concept of equality is shallow. It bases equality on externals, but Scripture bases equality on something deeper. Submission does not negate equality.

In addition, the objection assumes that the different roles themselves are not equal. It assumes that a leadership role is superior to a servant’s role, but Jesus contradicted this idea. He said that the last shall be first and that the greatest would be the servant of all. The idea that leadership roles are superior to servant roles comes from broken, sinful thinking, a result of the Fall. It does not come from God. I do not believe that the angels in heaven see a husband’s role as superior to a wife’s. Sometimes good leaders see this truth. On a football team, a good quarterback will be the first one to tell you that the linemen in front of him are just as important if not more important than he is. But he is the one that gets the credit and awards. In a company a good manager will quickly tell you that his team is far more important than he or she. The manager recognizes the significance of their contributions. Serving is not inferior to leading. This is a kingdom principle that we need to remind ourselves of.

So then, real equality has nothing to do with one’s role, and even if it did, the role of the wife is in no way inferior to that of her husband. You might as well say that the screw is more important than the nut. The two pieces are complementary. If you want to accomplish the task, you need both.

Finally, let me give the ultimate example of this principle of equality with submission. I assume that if you are reading this blog, you are a Christian. If you are not, forgive me.

I want you to think of Jesus for a moment. In Scripture, Jesus is clearly equal to the Father (Jn 1:1-3; 10:30; Col 1:15-19; 2:9; Rev 5). They share the same essence and value.

When we look at the New Testament, however, we find that Jesus on earth and in glory submits to His Father (Mt 26:39; Jn 6:38; I Cor 15:28). He sees it as His role. But Jesus’ submission does not negate His equality with the Father, nor does it make Him less important.

All Christians acknowledge the Biblical facts that Jesus is equal to the Father and that Jesus submits to the Father. Here is what Paul says about this relationship: “I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is the man, and the head of Christ is God.” (I Cor 11:3) Notice that Paul likens the relationship between Christ and the Father as the same as the relationship between a man and woman. He uses the same language (headship), in a context that discusses gender roles (I Cor 11). Christ is equal to the Father, but the Father is the head of Christ. In this same way, the husband and wife are equal, but the husband is the head of the wife. If submission negates equality, then we must say that Jesus is not equal to the Father. If we see Jesus’ role to be just as important as the Father’s role, why can’t we see a wife’s role to be just as important as a husband’s? They are equally necessary.

2. Isn’t the submission of wives sexist?

This objection is a variation of the first one. Underneath the question lies the idea that submission means inequality. But if submission does not mean inequality, what’s wrong with it? How can it be sexist? To some people the very word “role” is sexist.

Perhaps we need to rethink our idea of what sexism is. Sexism is a word that Western culture throws around constantly. Anything related to gender that the culture dislikes gets labeled “sexist,” but our view of sexism is a culturally conditioned concept, and we need to be careful when we call something sexist, for if the submission of wives to husbands is sexist, then God is sexist. But God does not dislike, hurt or hinder women. He made women, and He loves what He made. God is pro-woman. And that same God who is pro-woman said that within the family the husband is the head of the wife. He said this for the good of the marriage and for the good of the woman.

For more discussion see the previous blog “Does Christianity Harm Women?”

3. Doesn’t the submission of wives oppress women? They are like slaves.

This objection misunderstands what the role of helper means. Peter, who tells wives to submit to their husbands (the command is common across Scripture), also said that wives are joint heirs with their husbands of the grace of life (I Pet 3:7). That language was revolutionary for the first century, and it is not the language of slavery or oppression. The wife is the chief operations officer, not a lackey. Her role has great honor, and Scripture commands the husband to love and cherish her. One gets the idea that this objection is more rhetorical than substantial, for it highlights one concept, interprets it with a negative spin, and ignores everything else Scripture says about marriage. This objection relies on loaded words and a shallow caricature.

4. Why should the man lead and not the woman?

My first reaction is “why should the woman lead and not the man?” Is there a good reason why it should be her? It needs to be one of them. Even if God randomly picked the man (which I don’t believe He did), His choice would have been better than no leader or two leaders.

So why the man and not the woman?

Ultimately, I don’t know, nor do I feel that I have to know. But perhaps God’s reason gets at what Paul referred to in I Tim 2, when he appealed to the created order and the Fall for why women were not to teach or have authority over men within the church.

God made man first and He made woman to be a helper for the man (Gen 2: 18). This is part of the original design. Male and female are not identical. They complement one another . . . like Christ and the Church.

5. What about husbands who abuse their leadership? Doesn’t male headship encourage such abuse?

When I was in the army, I saw officers abuse their position all the time. Does that mean that the army encouraged the abuse because it had a protocol for putting those leaders in place? Do you suppose that if the army had some different protocol in place that officers would no longer abuse their position? Abuse of leadership happens in government, corporations, committees, sports teams, churches, schools, everywhere. You’ve seen it often. Having a leadership protocol that clearly establishes a leader does not cause the abuse. It simply eliminates a fight over who that leader will be. If anything, it, thus, alleviates abuse.

In addition, Scripture is aware of such abuse. That is why it tells husbands how to use their leadership. They are to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her. (Eph 5:25) They are to lead as Christ led.

You can point to husbands abusing their leadership all day, but what you cannot do is come up with a leadership protocol for marriage that improves the abuse. Abuse will happen no matter how you decide the leader, and it will likely happen more if you leave it up to the two of them to work it out. Then husbands will be more likely to use their physical strength to gain what they want. Abuse is the result of a sin nature, and it is that sin nature that makes this protocol even more necessary.

I’ve been brief in addressing these objections, but I want you to see that Christianity does not fit the simplistic caricatures of those who would malign it. Instead of reacting based on a culturally-driven feeling, stop and think through the full counsel of what Scripture says about marriage and why it says it.

Next blog, we need to talk about what Biblical leadership within marriage should look like.

Aug

2019

Marriage and Leadership

“For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the Church.” (Eph 5:22)

Thank you Father, that you have created in husbands and wives a beautiful picture of Christ and His Bride. May you grant a renewal of what you made marriage to be, that the world may see in its midst the glory of Christ.

Let’s talk leadership today, and let’s begin by talking generically.

Suppose the CEO of a company steps down. Who leads next? Generally, the company has some protocol in place for who that would be. But what if there was no protocol? Who would lead then? It doesn’t take a great imagination to see that that company would be in turmoil as a host of people vied for power until one ultimately won. And when that person won power, he would not have obtained it in a healthy way.

In the days of the kings of Judah and Israel, a king would often name his successor. He did this because he knew that if he didn’t do it, he would be inviting a bloody war over who would ascend the throne after he died.

When I entered the army as a second lieutenant, I became a platoon leader. Within that platoon, I was the top dog, but that platoon contained sergeants with far more experience and leadership ability than I had. I had to lean on them even though I was the leader. I became leader of that platoon not because of my ability but because of a military protocol. But what if the military had no protocol? What if the platoon was free to decide its own leader?

In America, we elect presidents, and the person we elect is not generally the best leader out there. Elections are about popularity, not leadership, and I would be willing to say that a majority of Americans at any time in history would agree that the best leader in the nation was not sitting in the Oval Office. America has a protocol for establishing a president, and that protocol doesn’t always produce the best leader. But what if America had no protocol at all?

It seems obvious that for the overall good of any organization, the people need not just a leader but a protocol for designating a leader. Without such a protocol, the group will likely end up in a power struggle. Having no protocol for establishing leadership encourages dysfunction and division within any organization. This is basic human nature. For the good of a company, for the good of a country, there must be a way to designate a leader.

For the good of marriage, this same principle holds.

“A house divided against itself cannot stand.” Unfortunately, modern marriages show us how true this saying is. Most marriages today are divided, but when God set up marriage, He set it up to show unity. Christ and the church are not to be divided. They are one; thus, a husband and wife are one. Division ruins the oneness. Satan’s primary goal in destroying marriages is to attack the union. He may use many means to attack that union — sexual temptation, financial difficulties, cultural differences, anger — but he focuses all of those means on one purpose. He wants to destroy the union. The union is the picture of Christ and the Church, and that is what Satan most hates.

So Satan wants division in your marriage, and the one place that most commonly brings division is the issue of leadership. Who gets to make the decisions for the family and what will those decisions be? The husband believes the family should rent an apartment downtown, while the wife believes the family should buy a home on the south side. The husband thinks he should discipline his son for disobedience while the wife thinks the son’s behavior was merely childishness and not worthy of punishment. The wife wants the family to go on a vacation while the husband says they can’t afford it. Finances, child rearing, job and home issues, cultural perspectives — all of these situations bring about disagreement, and they show a couple’s commitment to the marriage when that couple must make a decision for the couple. Not for him. Not for her. But for both of them. This is where the rubber meets the road because someone has to give. This is where division often shows its face.

Now a country, company, military unit, school, committee, or any other group would have a protocol in place to determine who had the final say in situations just like these. Marriage is no different. When God designed marriage, He built into it such a protocol, and that protocol is not just nice. It is necessary. Without it, marriage will suffer.

So let’s go back in time to the beginning and think through a protocol for leadership within marriage. Imagine for a moment that you had to set up a relationship in which two people would live as one and, in doing so, reflect the union of Christ and His church. How would you structure it? Who would lead? How would they make decisions when they disagreed?

Broadly speaking, your options are no leader, two leaders, or one leader. Having no leader is chaos. Everybody does what he or she wishes. That option will quickly destroy the unity, and the whole purpose of marriage will vanish. Two leaders amounts to the same as no leader, for what do you do when the two leaders cannot resolve a disagreement? You, in effect, have no leader. In addition, within the relationship between Christ and the Church, you do not have two leaders. The body of Christ is not a two-headed body. This means that the best option to preserve the marriage long term and to reflect Christ and the Church is to have one leader. Having one, consistent leader combats division. It does not eliminate division, for people are sinners. But when division occurs in a structure with one leader, it occurs despite the structure, not because of it. So if you want to set up a relationship that reflects Christ and His Bride, it will have to be a permanent union that survives human frailty, sin, and all the vicissitudes of life. That union needs one leader.

What I have said so far should be common sense. We see it with governments, corporations, committees, sports teams, universities, and any other group in which two or more people must act as one. Marriage, by definition, consists of a man and woman becoming one. Why would we somehow think that marriage is immune from the need for one leader? Marriage needs one leader.

But who should that leader be? As far as we have gone, that leader could be the husband or the wife. So how do we determine who it is? Marriage needs a protocol — just like every other institution. But there’s more. Because marriage reflects Christ and the Church, it needs a protocol in which husband and wife fill the same role across all marriages. If the husband were sometimes Christ, sometimes the Church, the result would be confusion. The picture would be lost.

These considerations eliminate the possibility of a protocol like an election, or mutual agreement, or the parents decide. These criteria are fights waiting to happen. They will not do. In the end, they amount to no protocol whatsoever. If God were to leave the decision of marital leadership up to subjective opinions, he would be encouraging division.

In the end, the clearest protocol, and the one that will engender the least division is to name either the man or the woman the leader. Couples often fight over who the best leader is but not over who the man or woman is. That’s a bit obvious.

Therefore, for the sake of preventing division within marriage and for reflecting a consistent picture of Christ and the Church, God has given to the man the leadership role within marriage (Eph 5:22). This fact is not popular today, and many people kick and scream when they read it, but it is what Scripture says.

When God gives the husband this role, He is not saying that men are always better leaders than women. He is not saying that women are confined to servitude for life. He is not saying that men are more Christ-like than women. He is simply establishing a consistent picture and helping to preserve a union by designating a leader.

In a sinless world, no one would have problems with this structure, for the leaders themselves would be sinless, and the others would not be rebellious. It was in such a world that God made this arrangement. Genesis 2 occurs before Genesis 3. This arrangement is, thus, not the result of the Fall. Nevertheless, God saw that the Fall was coming, and the need for one clear, consistent leader may be more pronounced in a sinful world than in a perfect one. This is why Scripture repeats many times over the principle of a husband’s headship and applies it within a fallen world.

So far, all I’ve said is that marriage, like any other institution, needs a protocol for leadership and Scripture gives that protocol: the husband is the head of the wife. I probably need to address some objections and perhaps give a picture of what Scripture says about how that leadership should function, but for today, we are out of time.

Jul

2019

Principles for a Strong Marriage II

Lord, as you have committed yourself to your church, and as your church has committed herself to You, may I, in turn, be completely committed to my bride and she to me.

“Happy families are all alike. Every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” (Tolstoy)

Thus is the opening line of Anna Karenina. Tolstoy then goes on to elucidate some unhappy families. Concerning happy families, Tolstoy is largely correct. Concerning unhappy families, he is correct mainly on the externals. Happy families and unhappy families all experience a million different types of struggles, but the happy families endure them, while the unhappy families fall apart. On the outside it may look as if they fall apart in a million different ways, but in reality their reason for falling apart is not external. If it was external, then the happy families would fall apart, too.

This is how marriage is. Marriages fail because of heart issues inside one or both spouses. They do not fail because of financial hardship or personal disagreement or the kids leaving or any other external situation. External situations merely reveal what is in the heart. Thus, if you want a strong marriage, work on your heart before you work on your finances. The heart is where God focuses. In fact, sometimes He may work on your finances (or your health or your job) in order to work on your heart.

Within marriage, a heart issue of the first order is commitment. Love without commitment is not love. Paul says, “love endures.” It does not come and go. This is commitment. Commitment is what keeps a marriage together through difficult times, and when a marriage falls apart, you can be almost certain to find somewhere in the relationship a lack of commitment.

The best way to strengthen a heart of commitment is to walk with God (see previous blog). God will increase your desire to love and stay with your spouse. Beyond such a foundation, commitment reveals itself through our priorities, which means it reveals itself through our choices. Our choices both reveal our commitments and strengthen them. God intends the marriage commitment to be stronger even than our commitments to our country, our family, our job, our children, or any other earthly thing. Marriages fail when other commitments become stronger than our marriage commitment.

I have seen a wife prefer to live in Australia than to live with her husband, and he wasn’t a bad husband. I have seen husband and wife prefer their careers or a certain level of income over their marriage. I have seen a husband prefer another woman over his wife. All of these choices came from priorities, and in every case, the marriage was not the main priority.

Commitment within marriage intentionally chooses the marriage over these other issues. The wife may miss her home in Australia, but if she is committed to her husband, she stays with him, even if he does not live where she would like. The husband and wife may want successful careers, but if they must both work in different cities or continents to get ahead, one or both of them may have to forsake the successful career for the sake of the marriage. A husband may find a prettier woman or a more pleasant one, but if he is committed to his wife, he flees the other woman for the sake of his marriage. Commitment involves intentional choices that prioritize the marriage.

I am not naïve. I am not suggesting that the above situations contained only a lack of commitment. In every case, there are personal issues or communication issues or other issues, but alongside those issues somewhere is a lack of commitment, and that lack of commitment prevents people from dealing with their personal issues in a healthy way.

A wife needs to know that her husband is with her regardless of what happens. And a husband needs to know the same from his wife. When both husband and wife have complete confidence in the commitment of their spouse, they can approach their disagreements and difficulties from a position of security. She knows that this disagreement won’t make him run, and that knowledge makes her handle the disagreement in a different way. He knows that she will not let her mother get between them, and that knowledge causes him to relate to her family in a healthier way.

Commitment affects everything in a marriage. Commitment provides the greatest desire for making things right and the greatest security in difficult times.

When you enter a marriage, you make a commitment with your words. Genuine commitment simply takes your words to heart. When people initiate a divorce, they violate their word. They made a commitment with their words, but now we see that the commitment was just words. Their word doesn’t mean anything anymore.

Commitment is vital. It is what makes a marriage. Here is partly what this means in practical terms.

1. Do not enter marriage with divorce as an option. People say, “50% of all marriages end in divorce, and you can’t predict the future, so plan for the worst.” This thinking has given rise to prenuptial agreements and conversations about “what if we divorce?” These conversations take place in the name of being open and responsible. The problem is that a commitment means you are all in, but divorce means you are not all in. A prenuptial agreement is not a commitment. It shows that you have one foot in the marriage and one foot at the door. Do not enter a prenuptial agreement, and if anyone wants you to sign one, dump him or her and find someone willing to commit his or her life to you. The person who wants a prenuptial agreement is more interested in his or her assets than in being one with you. In marriage, the two become one. If you enter marriage with the option of no longer being one, then you have no understanding of what marriage is. You may be covering yourself in the event that the marriage fails, but you are also weakening the very marriage you want to succeed. It is your commitment and not your careful planning that will make your marriage work. One of the greatest beauties of marriage is the giving of all of you to another person. It is expensive and risky, but it is beautiful. The option of divorce destroys that. Do not treat divorce as an option.

2. Live apart before marriage but live together after marriage. In marriage, the two become one. Couples violate a commitment to marriage when they live in contradiction to what marriage is. If you are not married, live as two. But when you marry, you must come together. That is part of your commitment to being one. This means that the situation in which the husband lives long term in Beijing while the wife lives long term in New York must change. Either live together in Beijing or live together in New York, but let’s not have any of this nonsense in which you claim commitment to your marriage while living as if you are not married. If you commit to your marriage, live that way. Your marriage is more important than your career.

3. Have one set of finances even if you have two jobs. We’ve discussed this already. The two have become one. Do not divide the money into his money and her money. What she earns is his, and what he earns is hers. This is what being one means. Part of commitment is sharing the assets completely.

4. Listen. When you are committed to someone, you want to hear what he or she has to say. You want to understand. A marriage is a learning process. When a husband commits to a wife, he wants to love her, please her, and help her, but he can’t do any of this if he doesn’t know how. Listening helps him know how. When a wife commits to a husband, she wants to resolve conflict, but she can’t resolve anything well until she first knows why he said what he said or did what he did. Committed couples listen to one another. In order to improve listening, it may be practical to have them set aside time at least weekly to be together by themselves and talk. She can bring her topics and he can bring his. This arrangement at least lets them both know that they will deal with their issues at some point. He may come home and she wants to talk immediately, but he is not prepared. Or he may want to bring up an issue about the kids but not with the kids around. Not all times are equally good for talking, and this arrangement lets them both know that they will not sweep their issues under the carpet. They actually are scheduling a time to deal with them.

5. Little Things. When a husband commits to a wife he does these sorts of things for her: He makes her coffee in the morning. He lets her sleep in when he is able. He helps her do the dishes or make dinner. He tells her he loves her. With words. Often. He writes her love notes. He gives her hugs and kisses. He takes care of the car or repairs the sink. He buys her flowers. Or ice cream. Or takes her out for dinner. He praises her before his friends. He does a thousand little things like these that say, “I love you. I am yours.” When a woman sees this, she becomes radiant.

When a wife commits to a husband, she does these sorts of things for him: She makes him his favorite cookies just because. She lets him sleep in when she is able. She tells him she is with him, no matter what. She supports him even when she disagrees with him. She packs him a lunch. She puts on his favorite music in the car. She lets him know what is going on with the kids. She praises him before her friends. She does a thousand little things like these that say, “I love you. I am yours.” When a man sees this, he rejoices.

These little things vary with the circumstances, but when you commit yourself in marriage, you commit yourself to little things because those little things are not so little.

We could go on. Commitment entails much more than I have mentioned here. And the things I have mentioned are principles, not hard laws. For example, perhaps there are special cases in which husband and wife need to keep money separate (an unjust lawsuit against one of them or a government that takes assets from a Christian man). Or perhaps for a short time, a husband needs to move for a new job while the wife stays behind and sells a house or finishes the school year for the kids. Or perhaps there is a military deployment. Or perhaps there are those rare cases in which Jesus says divorce is allowed (Matthew 5:32). But everyone understands that these sorts of situations are either short term or special cases. You deal with them if you have to. You do not abandon your commitment in the name of special cases. If you did that, you would have a marriage like that of most Americans.

And you don’t want that.

Jun

2019

Principles for a Strong Marriage

“Teacher which is the great commandment in the Law?” And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment.” Matthew 22:36-8

Lord, by your grace I ask you to build my marriage on Christ. I ask you to increase my love for you because it is right, but I ask for my marriage that my love for you will in turn spill over into my love for Leanne and increase it as your love abounds in my heart. I cannot love her with your love if I do not have your love, so as I love you, bless my marriage.

If you have read the previous blogs on marriage, you now know that God gives marriage a much deeper meaning than this world does. Marriage is not just about a man and woman forming a family. It acts out a living picture of Christ and the church. In fact, that picture is the main point. God wants the world to see a living, breathing portrait of what a relationship with Him is supposed to be like, so He has given the world husbands and wives.

But the mere existence of husbands and wives does not guarantee a clear picture, for sin corrupts this world thoroughly, and marriage on Earth is thus a broken picture at best. Divorce and marital dysfunction abound. Abuse, selfishness, sexual sin, pride and an outright denial of God’s marital design all cloud the picture. Marriages are sick, and the doctors don’t know what to do. God, however, knows, and since marriage is His invention, husbands and wives would do well to listen to Scripture on how to live together.

This blog will begin such a discussion. Over several blogs, I intend to relate some principles of a good marriage. I present no new ideas. Nor shall I be comprehensive. So then. Principle number one.

Walk with God

The best foundation for a strong marriage is Christ. Marriage is a picture of Christ and the church. When we live out the reality of Christ in us, we are actually living out a marriage, the marriage that our earthly marriage reflects. If you want your earthly marriage to thrive, try thriving in your marriage with Christ. People who build their marriage on something other than Christ drastically limit what their marriage can become. Christ must be the center of your life and your marriage.

You would think this would be common sense, but advice like this doesn’t seem to crack the counsel of the marriage experts. The nonChristian experts simply don’t think this way. Walking with God is as foreign to them as Pluto. And the Christian experts may neglect this because, technically, walking with God does not relate only to marriage. It deals with all of life and is, thus, from one perspective, not a marriage issue. Some may say, “Of course, it goes without saying that a husband who walks with God will be better able to love his wife as Christ loved the church,” and then they move on. In reality, however, this principle does not go without saying. We need to say it. And we need to say it often. People emphasize what their teachers emphasize. If their teachers emphasize some new marital strategy but de-emphasize walking with God, we should not be shocked to find people talking about the strategy but neglecting their with God.

Let’s be clear. Walking with God is a marriage issue of the highest importance. It is probably the single most important thing you can do to improve your marriage, and it is everyone’s business. Imagine a soccer team training for the World Cup. What if the players focused only on soccer techniques and neglected their general health and conditioning. Would this impact the team? Marriage is no different. Walking with God impacts your overall spiritual health and how you relate to others.

What this means is that, husbands, if you want a strong relationship with your wife, you need to hear and obey the Word of God in the rest of your life. And wives, if you want to grow in your relationship with your husbands, grow in your relationship with Christ. Whether you are a husband or a wife, get to know Jesus. Learn from Him. Talk with Him. Love the Scriptures. Pray from the heart. Plug in to a church. Share your faith. Let go of money. Give. Cheerfully and generously. Die to self daily. Consider others as more important than yourself. Ponder the Cross. Rejoice in the Resurrection. Trust in the promises of God, the goodness of God, and the power of God. These are the sorts of habits that change the heart. And when you change hearts, you change marriages.

Don’t ever underestimate the power of God to change you and your marriage. But understand that God works best when we do things His way. Walking with God and insisting on our own way are mutually exclusive. You shall have to let go of your own way. As Christ lives in you, you will love your spouse better. Because of this, in most instances, when one spouse draws near to Christ, the other spouse draws nearer as well. Peter discusses this idea. He says that unbelieving husbands “may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see [their] respectful and pure conduct.” (I Pet 3:1-2)

But this doesn’t always happen. Sometimes walking with God can create problems in a marriage, especially in marriages where one spouse is a believer and the other a nonbeliever. While it is true that drawing near to Jesus will better help a husband love his wife, it is also true that drawing near to Jesus will change that husband’s priorities. I have seen Muslim women divorce or separate from their husbands because the husband became a Christian and began to live as one. I have seen secular men and women malign their Christian spouse who insisted on believing “that backwards, crude book of fairy tales”, who wanted to worship with God’s people, or who taught the children doctrines that the unbeliever considered harmful. Let’s not be naïve. NonChristians do not understand Christians. And they cannot. When a Christian begins to walk with Jesus within a mixed marriage, there will be problems.

In these situations, the problems don’t change what you must do. Walk with Jesus anyway. As important as the marriage is, He is more important still, and the marriage will be healthier if you put him first. When people put their marriage first, they live a lie. They ignore the truth of why they exist and what marriage is in the first place. Such marriages are already dysfunctional. But when a wife puts Christ first and walks with Him, she begins to set marriage within its proper context. She is freer to love, and she actually cares about her marriage more, for she begins to see what it really is.

Building a marriage on the foundation of Christ does not remove all struggles or problems, but it changes us and helps us live in love and understanding and helps us respond to those problems in a healthier way. We still live in a fallen world, and we and our spouses are still broken, sinful people. As long as Earth remains, marriages will face problems. Even good marriages. Isn’t that all the more reason to walk with God.

May

2019

Marriage Is . . .

This blog simply continues the previous one; therefore, it will be helpful to read the previous blog before reading this one. In this blog I shall define and discuss what marriage is. The definition will come straight from Scripture. Keep in mind that this blog is neither an apologetic nor pastoral advice. I hope that I say nothing new. If you read this and think, “How plain?” that’s probably a good sign. If you read this and are upset because I don’t quite fit contemporary culture, that, too, is a sign that I am on the right track. So without further ado, let’s dive in.

Marriage is . . .

the one flesh union of a man and woman for life. The Bible is consistent in describing marriage this way.

Genesis 2:23 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

Mark 10: 2-8 And Pharisees came up and in order to test him asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” He answered them, “What did Moses command you?” They said, “Moses allowed a man to write a certificate of divorce and to send her away.” And Jesus said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart he wrote you this commandment. But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.’ ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife,and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh.

Ephesians 5: 25-32 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.

I repeat. Marriage is the one flesh union of a man and woman for life. That is the definition of marriage.

So let’s unpack that a bit.

Marriage is a one flesh union. Jesus said, “So they are no longer two but one flesh.” In marriage, two people become one. This does not mean they lose their personalities or uniqueness. In one sense they are still two. But they are no longer two; God has made them one. This union is true of all marriages. It does not matter whether the husband and wife are Christians or nonChristians — in marriage they are one. This means that their souls are united here on earth. Paul goes so far as to say this: “husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself” (Eph 5:28). Thus, when a man degrades his wife, he degrades himself, for he and his wife are one; and when a woman cares for her husband, she cares for herself, for she and her husband are one. Husband and wife cannot be separated. The union of marriage insures that the well-being of one spouse is tied to the well-being of the other. This is what a union is.

Sex is a physical part of this union. In sex, a man and woman become one flesh — literally. This is why God reserves sex for marriage, and why He encourages it within marriage. Within marriage, sex is an act in which two people who are one become physically one. In this context, the sexual act is a beautiful thing. It reinforces the reality. Outside marriage, sex is an act in which two people who are not one pretend to be one. In this context, the sexual act is a lie. It defiles those who commit it and sets up a mock reality.

This union means that marriage changes how a man and woman live. Prior to marriage, a man and woman live separate lives. They do this because they are not one, but once they marry, those separate lives must unite. They now live in the same home, sleep in the same bed, share the same bank accounts, cars, furniture, and so on. They may divide the chores, but they have only one set of chores now. In the West, a wife takes on the name of her husband so that the two become one even down to their names. These are just the externals. Since husband and wife are one, they also need to share hearts. They need to hope together, dream together, and rejoice together. They need to share fears and frustrations, troubles and pain. They are one in their struggles, one in their victories, and one in their mundane routines. They live as one in all of these ways because they are one. The union changes everything.

So marriage is a one-flesh union. That is the first part of the definition. The second part states that marriage is between a man and a woman. I am almost embarrassed to discuss this aspect of marriage, not because the truth is embarrassing but because it is so obvious. I feel a bit like a man who has to explain to people that women get pregnant and men don’t or that food is something you eat. Doesn’t everyone already know that? Do I really have to explain it? The fact that marriage is heterosexual used to be obvious and is still obvious to most societies, but many in the West would like to change the obvious, and they exert great pressure on society to conform to a new idea — that marriage can be homosexual. I do not wish here to get into every issue involved in a discussion of homosexuality. I want to focus on one question only. Can marriage be homosexual? According to Scripture, the answer is a resounding “no.” When the Bible defines marriage, it always does so with words like “man and wife.”

When God formed marriage, He said, “a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife.”

When Jesus describes marriage, he says, “‘God made them male and female. Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh.” Jesus does not appeal to culture but to creation. He says, God made male and female. Therefore marriage. To Jesus, marriage is built upon male and female. From the beginning.

When Paul defines marriage, it is in the context of a discussion on husbands and wives and ultimately refers back to Genesis. To Paul, marriage is again a creation thing, not a cultural thing. And when it was created, it was male and female.

You cannot honestly look at the Bible and say that it supports homosexual marriage. If you want to argue for homosexual marriage, you will have to say that the Bible is wrong on this issue, but if you honor the Bible, you will have to say that “homosexual marriage” is a contradiction of terms.

Marriage is male and female. By definition.

Marriage is also permanent. The union of a man and woman is for life. This permanence is a result of the nature of marriage. In marriage, a husband and wife reflect Christ and the church, a union that is inseparable. No one can snatch the sheep from Jesus’ hand (Jn 10:28). Nothing can separate God’s people from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus (Rm 8:35-9). Jesus is with His people always, even to the end of the age (Mt 28:20). We are in Christ (Eph 1-2 and many other places); Christ is in us (Gal 2:20; Rm 8:10; Col 1:27). In other words, the Christian enjoys a permanent union with Jesus Christ. Marriage, then, must be a permanent union in order to reflect a permanent union. If marriage is not permanent, it fails its purpose.

In marriage, the two become one flesh “so they are no longer two but one.” You can break up two, but you cannot break up one without doing immense, permanent, and irreversible damage to that one. In marriage a husband is in his wife as Christ is in the church, and the wife is in her husband as the church is in Christ. Husband and wife are united, and even if they divorce, you can’t fully get the husband out of the wife or the wife out of the husband. They are still in each other. I have seen this up close in multiple divorces around me. Marriage was designed to be permanent.

Jesus considers marriage so permanent that he says, “whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery” (Mt 5:32). In other words, to Jesus, the divorced woman is still, in some sense, one flesh with the man she had previously married. She may have a piece of paper that says she is free from him, but that paper is merely paper. The one flesh union is, by nature, not something you undo with a piece of paper. It’s not so easy as that. Imagine a woman who had an abusive father and decided that he would no longer be her father. She can say whatever she pleases, but the reality doesn’t change. That man fathered her. Marriage is this way. The husband and wife are one flesh, and that union is permanent, whether they like it or not. They can say what they wish and do what they wish, even divorce, but in some sense, they are still one. Marriage is a deeper reality than they may like, but it was designed to reflect an even deeper reality than itself.

Contemporary culture needs to grasp this aspect of marriage, for it considers marriage to be more like roommates with sexual privileges. If you don’t like what you have, just get another. No harm done. This thinking is a lie. It absolutely destroys people. It rips apart families and undoes society. The nonChristian sees no problem. He swims in contemporary culture and the prevailing ideas are his water. But the Christian should swim in Scripture and, thus, should have a much stronger and different vision for marriage.

We do not follow society. We do not listen to the dictator called Western culture. We have a different king and a different kingdom, and in His kingdom, marriage is far more special, holy and beautiful than it is here because it reflects a wonderful, eternal marriage between the High King of heaven and His glorious Bride.

May

2019

Marriage Is Not . . .

The man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. (Gen 2:23-4)

Marriage is a universal idea. It is Chinese, Korean, Nigerian, Mexican, European, Jewish, Muslim, Christian and secular all at once. It is as current as this minute and as ancient as Adam. It has existed in every culture throughout history. Although different cultures have emphasized different aspects of marriage, the essence has remained much the same. The difference between ancient Vietnamese marriage and modern Christian marriage is more like the difference between a Model T and a Honda than between a car and a boat.

In Scripture, marriage goes back to the original creation. God created marriage from the beginning; we did not invent it later. Marriage is part of the fabric of society . . . by design. It is foundational to the flourishing of the human race . . . by design. It is the central construct for male/female relations . . . by design.

We must get into our heads the idea that God designed marriage . . . and that we did not. We must, thus, look to God for what marriage is and for how marriage is to function. This requires humility, for sometimes God says things we do not like or understand. When God tells us the purpose of marriage, He says that He created it to be a beautiful union — a living, breathing, portrait of Christ and the Church. But we have lost that portrait, and in doing so, we don’t know what marriage is. The previous blog discussed this purpose of marriage; today we will begin to discuss its definition. But before we define what marriage is, we probably should say what marriage is not.

Marriage Is Not . . .

Marriage is not built on romantic feelings. By all means, marriage should contain romantic feelings, but it is so much more. Much of Western culture misconstrues marriage by making emotional feelings the foundation for marriage. Think of Romeo and Juliet, Enchanted, The Princess Bride, or the latest romantic comedy. Boy likes girl, girl likes boy. They “fall in love.” They experience setbacks or their love develops, and marriage is the final step. Western culture builds marriage on love, and who wants to argue against love? I certainly don’t.

But love has a thousand meanings, and when Western culture builds marriage on love, that love, more often than not, is a glorification of romantic feelings. It may be true that romantic feelings were the initial spark that got the girl interested in the guy, but in the long run, “Romeo, O Romeo” cannot sustain a marriage. A strong marriage can and should sustain romantic feelings, but romantic feelings cannot be the fuel for the marriage. Sooner or later such marriages run out of gas. If marriage is a house, romance is the furnace, but it is not the foundation.

The irony of romance is that the marriages with the best romance are not the ones built upon romance. Romance cannot bear that weight. It needs a strong foundation somewhere else in order to flourish. When marriages focus on commitment, sacrifice, and honoring the other person, romance flourishes. That’s a great environment for romance. But when romance is made to be the end all, it withers because ultimately romance was never meant to be the end all.

In the West, putting this weight on romance poses a great problem for marriage. One of the most common reasons people give for divorce is “We just don’t love each other any more.” What the couple means is that they “lost that lovin’ feeling.” In other words, they ran out of gas. They portray their situation with the word “love,” but I would question whether they ever loved one another in the first place. One of the characteristics of Biblical love is that it lasts (I Cor 13:13).

Marriage is not built on sex. This misunderstanding is a cousin to the first. Especially in the hypersexualized world of the West (though much of the rest of the world is moving in this direction, too), sex is often the ultimate pleasure in life. And this is precisely the problem. We make sex ultimate and the marriage secondary. We act as if marriage exists to serve sex and not the other way round. This view of marriage has the master and the servant reversed.

God intended sex to be a physical expression of two becoming one. It expresses the deeper reality of marriage, which is why it is reserved for marriage. Marriage can and should foster a vibrant sex life, but sex cannot foster a vibrant marriage. Like romance, that is too great a load for it to bear.

Marriage is not primarily a social institution. It is not just a place to raise children, though good marriages do provide the healthiest place in society for raising children. It is not primarily a stabilizing force for society, though good marriages bring society more depth of stability than perhaps any other institution on earth. Marriage clearly has societal benefits, but when people enter marriage solely for social reasons, they miss the point.

You say, “How do people enter marriage just for social reasons?” Lots of ways. Some may arrange marriages for the purpose of family connections. Kings did this for millennia; Hindus often do it for caste reasons. Sometimes people marry to move up in society or to get a better situation. Sometimes people marry because they feel societal pressure to do so. “You’re not married yet?” Sometimes a social marriage involves a husband and wife who lost their romantic feelings and now need something else to hold the marriage together. The kids are the best excuse they have, so they turn their marriage into a mere social institution. Then the kids grow up and leave. At that point, the marriage either crumbles or finds another social reason to exist — financial stability or looking respectable in society.

Most people recognize the emptiness of building a marriage on social benefits. And virtually everyone has seen marriages in which the husband and wife were merely two people living under the same roof instead of a husband and wife. When marriage becomes a mere social convention, the two never live as one. They may look on the outside as if they are living as one, but on the inside the marriage is hollow. It has no intimacy. It has no commitment to the other person. It may have a commitment to raising the kids or to maintaining an appearance of respectability, but the husband and wife are not committed to each other.

God designed marriage to be a great blessing for men, women and society, but the essence of marriage is not social.

It is also not the place to find fulfillment. This is crucial, for many people think that if they can’t marry they will never be fulfilled. They tie happiness to marriage. They then marry and find that marriage can’t fill the shoes they have created for it. I understand the desire to marry. It is natural and good. I had the desire when I was single; but to think, “if only I marry, then I will be happy” is to put immense pressure on the marriage, pressure that marriage ultimately cannot handle.

This fact means that many people need to rethink their view of marriage. If you are single, you have criteria about who you will date. You know, nice looking, nonsmoker, interested in outdoors — these are the kinds of things people put on those dating websites. Well, when I was single, I had criteria as well, and at the top of my list was “content in Christ.” That’s not exactly the kind of thing you can put on a dating website, but that was nonnegotiable for me. I was looking for contentment in a girl. I knew that I could never make a woman content. I’m a sinner. And so I wanted a girl who didn’t need me to be content. If I married someone who needed me to be content, then I would just be playing with a beehive.

Let’s face it. If you are not happy single, no spouse will make you happy later. And if the guy or girl you like is not happy single, you will not make him or her happy later. I wish I could shout that across the globe because too many people try to make marriage their fulfillment, and I’ve never seen it work.

God made us ultimately for Himself, not for a spouse. The best marriages are the ones in which the husband and wife find their fulfillment in Christ and not in each other.

Marriage is not about you. This is related to the previous misunderstanding. Too many people marry with a focus on themselves. It is not wrong to consider what benefits a guy or girl may bring you, but it is toxic to make you the focus. God may bring you great blessing through marriage, but the blessing is never the main point. When the whole point of marriage becomes “what can I get out of it,” you become a beast. You demand that your spouse meet your needs instead of trying to meet his or her needs. In marriage, God calls a man and woman to die to self. He tells the man to sacrifice for his wife as Christ died for the church, and He tells the wife to submit to her husband. This is absolutely not a self-focused endeavor.

Many marriages decay or explode because one spouse or both enter it with a focus on meeting their own needs. They then find that their spouse does not meet their needs and that, uh oh, I have to give in to him? Or I have to sacrifice my time for her? Yes you do. And if you do, you will find that you will improve your marriage if only because you begin to take the focus off yourself.

So marriage should not be built on romance or sex. It is not merely a social institution, nor is it the place to find ultimate fulfillment nor is it about meeting your needs.

What then is it? That’s for the next blog.

mdemchsak

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Sex Within Marriage

Marriage and Sex

The Marriage Dance

Marriage and Leadership: Some Objections

Marriage and Leadership

Principles for a Strong Marriage II

Principles for a Strong Marriage

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Marriage Is Not . . .

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