mdemchsak

19
May
2022

The Christian and Money

Do not lay up for yourselves treasure on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal.  For where your treasure is there your heart will be also.  (Matthew 6:19-21)

Everyone uses money, and we use it for just about everything – food, clothing, a place to live, transportation, entertainment, communication, energy, you name it.  Therefore, if the kingdom of God affects how you live, it should affect how you view and handle money.  In fact, if you are a Christian and you view and handle money no differently from the world, the kingdom of God has not yet captured your heart.  How you relate to money is a good barometer for how you relate to God.

We, thus, need to talk about money, for the Bible talks about it.  A lot.  So over the next several blogs, I want to talk about topics like greed and contentment, poverty and riches, debt and investment.  In other words – money.  Today will be a general intro.

Because many earthly items depend on money, we all know we need some amount of it.  We need to eat and to live somewhere.  We need clothing for our bodies and heat in the winter.  We need some type of transportation and some medical care.  All of these needs come through money.  Thus, money, itself is not evil.  In most instances, it is how God provides our needs.  And our Father knows our needs (Mt 6:31-2).

The normal way God provides the money for our needs is through work.  Honest work is a good thing.  God has ordained it to be the means for our provision.  He told Adam that man would eat bread by the sweat of his face.  We work.  We earn money.  We eat.  That is how God intends earth to operate for now. 

Thus, money is not itself evil.  People err when they judge others purely on the basis of their bank accounts.  Poor people are not more spiritual just because they are poor, and rich people are not necessarily corrupt because they are rich.  Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, David, Solomon, Nehemiah, Nicodemus, and Joseph of Arimathea were all wealthy, but I dare say we will see them in the kingdom.  And many who live in poverty reject Jesus and live for themselves.  On the flip side, riches are not a sign of righteousness nor poverty a sign of unrighteousness.  James says of the rich, “Come now, you rich, weep and howl for the miseries that are coming upon you . . . the wages of the laborers who mowed your fields, which you kept back by fraud, are crying out against you.” (5:1,4).  Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, Jeff Bezos, the Rockefellers, the Kennedys, and more all have had great wealth but spiritual poverty.  And many who are poor flock to Jesus because in their poverty they more clearly see their need.  Sometimes riches have a way of blinding us to our weakness.  So money itself doesn’t tell you anything about someone’s spiritual state or character.  Money itself is merely a tool.  However.

Money is still quite dangerous.  The danger of money lies not so much in the money but in our hearts.  The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Make no mistake.  Scripture is abundantly plain that you and I must guard our hearts against money.  For many people, money is their idol, their God.  They live as if their purpose in life is to make money, as if God created them just so He could give them stuff.  For these people (and there are many of them) money eats away their soul.  They have traded their soul for earthly riches.  It’s like Esau trading his birth right for a bowl of stew. 

And Christians are not immune to the dangers of money.  Money can steal your peace and joy.  Money can come between you and God.  Money can render your ministry ineffective.  Money is ever calling you to look away from God and to the “good life” here.  It calls you to compromise a God focus so that you can have that three-bedroom house on the lake. 

The overwhelming emphasis of the Bible’s teaching on money is not on its moral neutrality but on its danger to the soul.  If we run around convincing ourselves that it’s OK to love money because money is not sinful, we have already lost the battle.  Here’s how Paul put it: 

“. . . those who desire to be rich fall into temptation, into a snare, into many senseless and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction.  For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils.  It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs.”  (I Tim 6:9-10)

Jesus put it this way:  “You cannot serve God and money” (Matt 6:24).

So then.  Put your eyes on Christ.  Love Him.  Work your job.  Provide for your family.  Be content in Christ with what you have.  Don’t look for great riches.  If they come, be grateful to God who gave them and be generous to the work of the kingdom and to those in need.  But keep your heart free from money, for if you don’t, it will destroy your soul without your even being aware of it. 

Posted by mdemchsak, 0 comments
30
Mar
2022

Warning Signs When Dating

If you are in a dating relationship, you want to know if it is healthy.  I’ve already given some positive principles to follow, and if you follow them, you will greatly increase your chances of having a healthy relationship.  I now want to give some warning signs.  Think of these as you might think of a warning light on your car dash.  If you see these, you need to either make some changes or end the relationship. 

Warning Signs:

  • You make time for each other, but you don’t make time for God.  How you spend your time reveals your priorities.  If you have no time for God, He is not a priority to you.  He is not first, and keeping Christ first is the most important thing you can do toward maintaining a healthy relationship.
  • You pull away from God’s people.  When a couple pulls back from God’s people, they are in danger of living in their own little world. 
  • You have no time to serve God’s kingdom.  If the relationship is pulling you out of ministry altogether, you have a problem.
  • The other person begins to cling to you.  Clinginess shows an unhealthy need for you.  It reveals a soul that is not content outside the relationship.  Contented people are not clingy, and discontented people are miserable to live with.  Thus, when you see clinginess, you are seeing someone you don’t want to marry.
  • The other person is more interested in you than in God. 
  • The other person is not free from the control of his or her parents.  I’m not talking about someone who merely lives with her parents.  I’m talking about an unhealthy control that the parents exert in this person’s life.  I’m talking about parents who interfere excessively in the life of this person.  In marriage you must leave the parents and cling to the spouse.  Parents who want to control their adult children are one of the biggest problems married couples face.  If your love can’t say “no” to parents now, he or she won’t be able to do it later either.  Of course, consider age here.  Parents should have more control over a sixteen-year-old than a thirty-year-old. 
  • At least one of you talks about living together before you are married.  Living together unmarried harms the integrity and purity of the relationship usually for the sake of convenience.  Even speaking about living together is a warning sign.  It says something about how the person thinks.  People who maintain the integrity of the dating relationship are also more likely to maintain the integrity of the marriage.  This issue by itself is serious enough to consider ending the relationship.   
  • The other person prioritizes the pursuit of money or material goods.  These priorities will not change after you marry.
  • The other person is not content in Christ.
  • The other person makes sexual advances.  When this happens, draw the line immediately.  If the other person ignores the line you’ve drawn, end the relationship now.
  • The other person is romantically involved with someone else. 
  • The other person is caught up in the broader culture.  One of the big problems with being caught up in the culture is that the culture informs how you think.  Thus, when you marry, this person will not think from a godly mindset but from a cultural one.  That will hurt you in the long run. 
  • Godly people tell you they have concerns about the relationship.  Many people will want to give you advice on your relationship.  Not all advice is equal.  But when godly people speak, you need to listen. 
  • Disagreement on fundamental spiritual issues.  Disagreement itself is not a warning sign.  All healthy couples disagree on many things.  But if you are a Christian, there are some basic spiritual issues you and the other person must see eye to eye on. Those agreements will help you resolve your disagreements.  They give you common ground on the most important things.  Examples of fundamental spiritual issues include the basics of the Christian faith: the authority of Scripture, the Incarnation, grace, the Trinity, the Atonement and bodily Resurrection, the presence of a heart relationship with Christ.   This doesn’t mean you have to agree on every spiritual point.  A believing Baptist and a believing Lutheran can have a healthy relationship.  They may have to talk through some of their disagreements, but those disagreements are minor compared to the centrality of Christ.
  • Dysfunctional resolving of your disagreements.  You will disagree, and you do not have to resolve those disagreements perfectly.  But pay attention to how you handle them.  How you handle your disagreements often says more about the relationship than the actual disagreements themselves. 
  • If either of you tries to sweep conflict under the carpet, you have a problem.  Conflict avoidance is not conflict resolution.  When people avoid conflict, they add underlying pressure to their relationship.  Over time, that pressure builds, and the long-term cost of conflict avoidance is much steeper than dealing with the conflict in real time.  Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.
  • If either of you consistently deals with conflict by using verbal abuse or strong anger, you have a problem.  The key word here is consistently.  There will be times when healthy couples out of anger speak words they regret.  Regretting those words and seeking forgiveness for them is a healthy sign.  But if someone is blind to his consistent abuse and anger, he will be difficult to live with, and he is not walking well with God.
  • To the Christian: the other person is a nonChristian.  If this is the case, end the relationship now.
  • To the guys:  a girl caught up in her looks.
  • To the guys:  a girl who wants to take the lead in the relationship.  Here we are looking at the big picture, not an event or two.
  • To the girls:  a guy who wants to dominate whether it be physically or verbally.
  • To the girls:  a guy who won’t lead or move.
  • To the girls:  a guy who views pornography.

These are just a handful of warning signs I have seen in romantic relationships. Think of them as symptoms.  If you see them, something is wrong. They do not all mean you need to end the relationship now, though some signs are more dire than others.  This is not a complete list.

Posted by mdemchsak, 0 comments
16
Mar
2022

Unequally Yoked

Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers (II Cor 6:14).

If we are going to talk about dating, then at some point, we have to talk about the concept of being unequally yoked.  This is the idea that a Christian should marry a Christian.

But before we talk about that, let’s talk more broadly about saying “no” to a potential date.  Perhaps you have had to do this and know what it is like.  The reality is that I have never met a person who would date anybody.  If you are single, you can think of people whom you would never date.  When I was single, I remember girls saying “no” to me.  And I remember girls interested in me whom I would never ask out.  The fact of the matter is that everybody has criteria to determine whom he or she can and cannot date.  If you are single, this is you and you know it.  Maybe you haven’t thought deeply about what your criteria are and, thus, can’t list them out, but you know you wouldn’t date just anybody.  I bet you could give me names of people right now whom you would never date.  You might even be able to give me reasons, and the moment you give me reasons, you are giving me criteria by which you make distinctions between eligible and noneligible dates. 

What I am describing is universal.  I say this to point out the fact that the business of excluding potential partners is something you already do, and you have no problem with it.  You have your criteria. 

Now the Biblical position on being unequally yoked simply says that one of the criteria for a Christian needs to be that the other person is also a Christian.  This is pretty basic.  So let me tell a story.

When I was a teenager, I remember hearing a youth leader speak about dating, and he advised Christians not to date nonChristians.  Inside me arose this visceral reaction.  I wanted to shout, “No!”  I felt that this leader’s advice was smack full of arrogance and that it communicated to most of the world, “I’m better than you.”  I genuinely believed that everyone was equal and that equality in dating meant that I must be open to anybody. 

Two things then happened to me.  The first is that I proceeded to walk with God.  I don’t mean I didn’t sin.  I had plenty of that.  But I immersed myself in the Scriptures.  I prayed daily.  I plugged into a church.  And I did these things from the heart.  I genuinely wanted to know God better. 

The second thing that happened to me is that I began to pay closer attention to the lives of girls, and I noticed a big difference between Christian and nonChristian girls.  It wasn’t that Christian girls were holy and nonChristian girls were sinners or that Christian girls were more fun to be around.  It was that Christian girls genuinely desired Jesus and nonChristian girls did not.  Here was the one thing in life that mattered most to me, and the Christian girls understood, but the nonChristian girls could not.  It’s not just that they did not understand.  They could not understand. 

By the time I had graduated from college, I had completely changed on this issue.  I knew Biblically, and I knew from life that as a Christian I could never marry a nonChristian.  I knew it.  And I understood that this new position was not the least bit arrogant.  In fact, it required me to humble myself before God.  I had to say, “I was wrong.”  I had to listen not so much to America but to Scripture.  I also realized that I already had seen many girls I could not date for reasons other than faith, and I did not consider myself arrogant for having those reasons.  If I was willing to say “no” to a girl because she smoked, then I also should have been able to do so because she had no faith.  Her lack of faith was a far deeper and more central issue than her smoking or her looks or even her personality, and I didn’t think myself arrogant for considering those things.  Marrying a Christian simply became one of my criteria. 

That’s my story, and I tell it to say that this is not a mere theory to me. It’s real life. I think it’s helpful to understand that before we look at the Scriptures.

So let’s now look at the Scriptures. Let’s begin with marriage itself.  I’ve already written about marriage, so I’m just going to summarize.  In marriage, “a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh” (Gen 2:28).  That is the definition of marriage Jesus gives.  If the two are one, they need to be intimate on the most important and deepest issues, they need to be one in their finances, in their priorities, in their child rearing, and in their service to God.  This is what marriage is.  In addition, the purpose of marriage is to reflect Christ and the Church (Eph 5:22-32).  This definition and purpose of marriage do not directly forbid a Christian from marrying an unbeliever, but they lay the foundation for understanding why. 

Elsewhere, however, Scripture does directly forbid a believer from marrying an unbeliever.  Here is Paul:

 Do not be unequally yoked with an unbeliever.  For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness?  Or what fellowship has light with darkness?  What accord has Christ with Belial?  Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever?  What agreement has the temple of God with idols?  For we are the temple of the living God . . . (II Cor 6:14-16)

A yoke

Do not be unequally yoked.  I imagine you have seen pictures of a yoke or have heard perhaps of a yoke of oxen.  A yoke is a heavy wooden bar that connects two animals together, usually for the purpose of plowing or pulling a cart.  The yoke takes the two animals and makes them one.  It allows them to pull together as a team.  The yoke also inextricably binds the two animals together.  This is the picture Paul gives. 

A yoke being used to pull a cart.

Paul says to Christians not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers.  The idea is that the Christian should not enter a relationship with an unbeliever in which the two are bound together as one.  He then gives his reason for the command through a series of questions.  What partnership has righteousness with lawlessness?  Light with darkness?  And so on. 

Paul is not forbidding ordinary friendships because ordinary friendships do not require that the two be bound as one.  Marriage, however, is a different type of relationship.  If ever there was a relationship in which the two are bound as one, marriage is that relationship. 

But the concept of being unequally yoked is not restricted to II Corinthians.  In the Old Testament, God commanded the Israelite men not to intermarry with the daughters of the peoples around them (Ex 34:16; Dt 7:3; Mal 2:11).  In Judges the Israelites took wives from the other peoples around them and wound up serving the gods of those wives (Jg 3:6).  In Ezra and Nehemiah the Israelites took wives from the nations around them and had to repent of it (Ez 10:2; Neh 13:23-7).  Paul instructs believing widows that they are free to remarry, “only in the Lord” (I Cor 7:39).  And, of course marriage portrays Christ and the Church.  The Church is the Bride of Christ.  The concept of an unbelieving Church is nonsensical. 

Thus, when Paul commands believers not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers, he is not communicating something new or strange.  He is simply repeating the consistent Biblical message on this topic. 

But why?  Why should believers not marry unbelievers? 

The main reason deals with your spiritual life.  When God forbade Israel from intermarrying, He says that the reason is spiritual – lest “you take of their daughters for your sons and their daughters whore after their gods and make your sons whore after their gods.” (Ex 34:16).  Significant time bound as one to an unbeliever will make it harder for you to walk intimately with Christ.  NonChristians cannot understand a complete commitment to Jesus Christ.  They cannot share with you the deepest, most important desires you have.  They will never understand your faith.

But marriage involves more than just understanding.  In marriage, a man and woman become one.  They must then live life as one.  When a believer is thus yoked to an unbeliever, the two cannot move forward together spiritually.  The believer will want to give sacrificially from their finances to the work of the kingdom.  The unbeliever will think that is the craziest idea he has ever heard.  The believer will want to raise their kids in Christ.  The unbeliever will most likely oppose that desire, but even if not, at best, the unbeliever can simply acquiesce.  She can never help out.  The believer will want to spend significant time with God’s people and serving God in ministry.  The unbeliever will not care.  The believer will want Christ to be the top priority in the family.  The unbeliever will push back on that priority. 

Imagine two oxen yoked together, and one wants to go right and the other left.  Or one walks forward but drags the other.  This is a marriage between a believer and an unbeliever when it comes to spiritual matters. 

Occasionally you hear people bring up the idea of evangelistic dating.  You know.  “What if my dating her is the only witness she has?  And if she does convert, we are then free to marry.” 

You are playing with fire.  She may convert.  She may not.  You may “fall in love” with her and all of a sudden you’re making all sorts of excuses as to why you can marry her.  And she doesn’t need you to date her for you to be a witness to her.  In fact, you’ll be a better witness to her if you don’t date her.  Follow Scripture.  Not what you want. 

In unequally yoked relationships I have seen the unbeliever convert.  It happens.  But more often what happens is that the Christian flounders spiritually and, to use Biblical language, pursues the gods of the nations. 

If you are a Christian, don’t marry a nonChristian.  Which means, don’t even date one. 

Finally, I need to say something to the Christian already married to a nonChristian. Paul addresses this situation as well. If you are a believer but your spouse is not, remain with your spouse (I Cor 7:12ff). You are married. You are one flesh for life. Love your spouse well. Pray for him or her. You have obvious limits to what you can do together spiritually, but the story isn’t over. God is in the business of redeeming the lost. Pray for that, and above all, walk with Christ yourself.

Posted by mdemchsak, 0 comments
02
Mar
2022

Dating and Sexual Boundaries

There once was a woman who landed at an airport in Columbia.  She needed to take a cab up into the mountains where the roads were windy, narrow, and had steep drop offs with no guard rails.  She approached the line of cabs at the airport, told the first driver where she needed to go and asked him how good a driver he was and how close he could drive to the edge of the road without going over the side.

The man said, “Ma’am, I am a very good driver.  I can drive within half a meter of the edge without going over.”

She went to the next cab.  “Ma’am,” that driver said.  “I can get ten centimeters from the edge.”

She went to the next cab and the man put his hands up and said, “Ma’am, if you come with me, we are staying as far from that edge as possible.” 

“Open the door,” she said.  “I’ll go with you.”

When it comes to dating and sex, most people think like the first two cab drivers.  “How close can I get without crossing the line?” 

Paul, however, commands us to “flee sexual immorality.”  The idea is not to inch our way close to immorality without going over the edge but to stay as far from it as possible. 

When you date, sexual sin is a real danger, much more than with other forms of courtship, and contemporary culture makes this topic difficult to talk about.  On the one hand, if you look at the big picture of the Christian dating scene, it is obvious that we have a problem.  I could list name after name after name after name of people who identified with Christ but who committed sexual sin before marriage.  On the other hand, we have many people who, once they hear you talk about sexual boundaries, protest vehemently.  They say you are being legalistic and setting up merely a list of do’s and don’ts.  They often say as well that you are being judgmental and creating an unhealthy atmosphere that condemns sex. 

So here I am stuck in the middle.  We have a glaring problem that I need to address, but once I do, many will say I am legalistic.  Oh well.  I guess I can’t please everybody. 

I will concede first that legalism about sex can and does exist within certain quarters, and I do wish to avoid it.  But I also need to say that many people who decry legalism are really decrying holiness by calling it legalism.  To them almost all righteousness is legalism.  They could not tell the difference between legalism and righteousness if they had to.

The Christian pursues Christ.  Part of that pursuit of Christ involves fleeing sexual immorality.  But when we flee it, we do so because we are pursuing something greater.  This is holiness.  Legalism, however, argues about the technicalities of whether an activity is OK or not. 

Now in this discussion, I will at times talk about activities that cross the line.  Unfortunately, there’s no way to avoid the idea of a line somewhere, but I don’t want our focus to be on where the lines are.  In holiness, the focus is on Christ and on honoring Him.  If He is your focus, you will not cross the lines even if you don’t know exactly where they are.  But if you focus on where the lines are, you are not focusing on Christ and will be more likely to violate the boundaries, even if you know exactly where they are.  Christ is more powerful than mere knowledge. Pursue Him.

The next thing I need to discuss is why.  Why should dating couples care about sexual boundaries?  The answer may not be what you think.  Most people think that Christians avoid premarital sex because they view sex as some dirty thing.  The reality is just the opposite.  To Christians, sex is a beautiful and holy thing; and because it is so beautiful and holy, Christians do not consider it profane.  Sex is special and is, thus, reserved for a special relationship.  Christians have a much higher view of sex than the world that ironically says the Christian view is so low.  When you are single, you need sexual boundaries because you are protecting something special.

I could say more about the Christian view of sex, but I already have.  Go here and here.  It might be helpful to read those blogs before you move on, for they lay some foundation for any healthy thinking about sex. 

Sexual passion is powerful, and the farther you walk down its path, the harder it is to turn back.  It is easier to avoid sexual sin by drawing boundaries early than by waiting until you are kissing.  Sexual sin never begins with intercourse or even kissing.  It begins with a look.  That look becomes a stare.  That stare implants itself as a recurring thought.  Maybe a week later, that thought impels you to grab her hand and another week after that to touch her hair.  Soon you are touching her waist and then her legs and then you are kissing.  The exact sequence and time frame are not always the same, but you get the idea.  You see the direction this is going in.  Each step in the progression makes the passion roar.  It is far easier to stop that progression earlier than later.  The farther down that road you travel, the more drunk you become with passion, the less clear is your thinking and the weaker your self control. 

So I want to talk about that progression and how to handle it in a dating relationship.  You need some boundaries that you will not cross.  How do you decide where they are?  Some activities are clearly out of bounds:  intercourse, petting, passionate kissing, taking off clothes, touching private parts, crude joking, and others. 

Other activities, however – hugging, holding hands – may be appropriate.  You have to decide what is appropriate, and the answer will not be the same for every couple.  I don’t mean anything goes.  No one will be able to go too far down that progression, but different couples may draw lines in different places in the early stages of that progression. 

Here are some factors to consider.  Culture will have some say about what is and is not appropriate.  You might not hold hands in a conservative Arab culture but feel comfortable doing so in a secular Western one.  Personal histories will affect what is appropriate.  If someone has a history of sexual abuse, or if the woman has experienced rape, you will likely need to honor some tight boundaries and move slowly.  If either party has a history of promiscuity, you will need to do the same but for different reasons.  Personal weaknesses factor into this.  Some people are more easily tempted than others.  If you get sexually stimulated by hugging, maybe you need to back off.  When I talk this way, I am not being legalistic but loving.  If you ignore cultural and personal factors in your relationship, you are being unloving and inconsiderate.

Remember, the goal is to honor Christ, not just avoid some behavior.  So walk closely with Christ.  If you are doing that, here are some principles that can help with sexual boundaries.

  • If an action makes you feel a twinge in your conscience, don’t do it.
  • Don’t push the other person.  If the other person is uncomfortable with something physical, back off.  That is love.
  • If the other person pushes you to take some step physically that you are uncomfortable with, end the relationship now.  That person cares more for his or her desire than for you.
  • Don’t live together until you are married.
  • Talk to one another openly about what you are comfortable and uncomfortable with. 
  • When you draw boundaries, draw them early in the relationship and don’t go far in that physical progression.  You are to flee sexual immorality, not get close to it. 
  • If possible, think through these issues before a relationship begins.  You may adjust after a relationship begins, but thinking things through beforehand will help you even in the adjustment. 
  • To the guys:  You have a built-in mechanism for determining if an action is sexually stimulating.  It’s called an erection.  Think of an erection as a warning light that the engine is getting too hot.  It’s a sign to back off. 

These principles will help you and the other person as a couple decide what is appropriate and not.  Above all, let your primary pursuit be Christ and His righteousness. Your primary pursuit must not be the other person. If you win that battle, you’ll win the war.

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21
Feb
2022

Dating and Romance: Practical Principles

In the previous blog I laid some foundation for how to think about dating and romance. I now want to build on that foundation and discuss practice. Which practices help produce a healthy dating relationship?

So here we go.

Keep Christ first

Marriage is merely a picture.  Your relationship with Jesus is the reality that marriage portrays.  Dating is just a preliminary to the picture of the reality.  Why would you sacrifice the reality in order to gain a preliminary step to a picture of that reality?  Maintain your relationship with Christ throughout the romance.  If the romance causes you to lose sight of Christ, you need to make some serious changes in the relationship or dump the romance.  If the romance causes you to compromise Biblical ethics or faith, you need to repent and make some changes in the relationship or end it.  Your relationship with Christ is a trillion times more important than your relationship with this guy or girl.

Keeping Christ first is the one thing you can do that will most help you in the dating relationship.  It keeps your priorities in order.  It provides you guidance as you walk.  It helps you think long term.  It steadies your emotions and gives them perspective.  It makes you kinder, humbler, more patient, more loving.  Faith in Christ provides an anchor in the midst of powerful emotional waves that can push you against the rocks, and it provides a rudder that will help you navigate the reefs of the sea.

If you keep Christ first, many of the other principles I mention will happen naturally.  If you do not keep Christ first, many of the principles I mention will seem crazy to you. 

Be willing to let go of the relationship

If Christ is first, then this relationship is not.  You want God’s best for you.  That may be marriage or it may not be.  Your feelings will push for marriage, but you must be willing to let go of marriage if it is not God’s best.  You may need to say “no” to what you want because it is not what God wants. 

Pray about everything in the relationship

This is part of keeping Christ first.  You want His will for you, His will for the other person, and His will for this relationship.  You want His blessing on the both of you, His direction, His presence.  Prayer does this.  It acknowledges that God is in charge, not you, and it seeks God’s desires and presence in the matter. 

Don’t let the relationship become your life

When men and women date, the temptation is to be with one another all the time, to spend their waking hours thinking on one another, being with one another, talking to one another.  This is the direction that romance pushes us toward, but it is not healthy.  You need time for God, time for rest, time for friends, time for ministry, time to read or watch a soccer match, time for the rest of your life.  Now obviously, when you date, you need some time together.  That’s part of the point of dating.  But you also need time apart.  That time apart gives you a break from the other person, and that break can help give perspective.  It allows your friends to let you know what they think about the relationship, for they will see things you will miss.  It allows you to be more real, for if you marry, you will find that you will go right back to doing all these other activities anyway.  Time for the rest of your life allows the other person to see something about the rest of your life, and that’s part of the process.  The more the relationship becomes your life, the more blind you will be to the relationship itself.  You won’t see anything except what your starry eyes want you to see. 

Dates are dog and pony shows

When a man and woman go on a date, they tend to put their best face forward.  They are more polite than usual, more considerate than usual, prettier than usual.  This means that when you go on a date, you are not necessarily seeing the real person.  You are often seeing a show.  Understand this.  This fact doesn’t mean you can never go to dinner together, but it does mean that you need to evaluate whether you are seeing the real person, and it also means . . .

When dating, do things with groups

Time with groups allows you to see the other person in a more natural setting.  On dates, people tend to be phonier, but when others are around, people tend to be more themselves.  If you spend all your time alone with one another, you are probably going to be fooled by the dog and pony show.  But if you spend time with his friends, you get to see how he treats his friends and how his friends treat you.  And he is usually less careful about putting on a show and more likely to be himself.  Groups provide a serious opportunity to see the real person.    

Groups also provide friends and family the opportunity to see the two of you together.  This puts many sets of eyes on your relationship.  You want this.  It allows people whom you respect to speak into this relationship and to do so intelligently.  They will see how the two of you act together, and they will see things you won’t.  I would recommend that most of your time together be in a group context. 

Remain within the body of Christ

This is part of walking with God.  But this deals with God’s people.  Remain in community with God’s people.  Don’t pull away from them.  This is a normal part of spiritual growth, so if you cut yourself off from God’s people, you hurt your growth with God.  In addition, ongoing and meaningful relationship with the body of Christ will help you discern what to do within a relationship.  You want godly people to see your relationship with this person. 

Don’t date someone you know you can’t marry

This is plain common sense.  If the purpose of dating is to determine marriage, and you already know you can’t marry this person, then don’t go down that path.  If you date in this situation, you’re playing with fire.  Dating can lead to marriage even if you enter it knowing you shouldn’t marry.  Romance can take over, and when it does you may no longer be thinking straight.  You may find yourself five years down the road married to someone and wishing you could get out.  But you could have gotten out in the beginning when you knew.  All you had to do was not get in; and in the beginning, it is fairly easy not to get in. 

The further you go in a relationship, the harder it is to get out.

I am not talking here purely about time, though time certainly is a factor.  In general, the more time you spend in a relationship, the harder it is to get out.  However, you can move quite far in a relationship quickly.  You do so by how you touch each other, by saying words like “I love you,” by forsaking other activities to spend time with each other, by the gifts you give, by flowers or notes, by talking about marriage, by becoming sexually involved, by living together, and by a thousand other words, gestures, and commitments.  Some of these may be appropriate, others are not; but they all serve to bind the couple together.  They make it more painful to end the relationship.  The more powerful your feelings are for each other, the more difficult it will be if you must end the relationship. 

Therefore, if you ever realize that this person is not someone to marry, end the dating relationship immediately.  Don’t wait.  The longer you wait, the harder it gets.  It may be a painful discussion, but you will show more compassion by cutting things off now. 

In addition, be wise in moving the relationship forward.  It may be God’s desire to move a relationship forward.  There’s a time to say, “I love you,” a time to give flowers, a time to write notes, a time to talk about marriage.  But understand that each of those moves increases the emotional capital in the relationship.  Pray about those moves before you make them.

If you are a Christian, look for spiritual maturity in Christ

If this relationship ends in marriage, then the two of you will be united in intimacy for life.  You want a partner who seeks Jesus first.  If you are to walk with Christ within your marriage, you will find that you will do so better with a partner who also walks with Christ.  This means that you are looking for someone who spends daily time with God, who serves his church and shares his faith, who gives of her income to the kingdom, who does not compromise ethically.  You want a person who has a right heart and a right faith.  Don’t settle for something less. 

Having said this, I also need to acknowledge that we live in a fallen world.  The person you marry will still be sinful.  There is no getting around that.  So when I say to look for spiritual maturity, I am not saying to look for perfection.  You may see some sin in this person, but the question to ask is how he responds to that sin.  Is he willing to acknowledge it?  Does she want to change?  Does he have a soft heart toward his sin?  A person’s response to his or her sin tells you more than the actual sin does.  Look for someone who handles his or her own sin in a mature way.

Trust God for the relationship

One of the themes of Song of Solomon is this verse: “I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, not to awaken or stir up love until it pleases” (8:4).  The idea is that you should not force the relationship.  Let it develop naturally.  Imagine trying to force a rose to grow.  If you were to interfere with its natural process, you would mess it up.  Dating relationships are like this.  Everyone wants the relationship to blossom on his or her time table, but God’s time table is not always ours.  If God is moving more slowly than you would like, let Him. 

I have seen girls try to force guys to a greater commitment by getting more sexual.  I have seen guys try to push a girl to a greater commitment by spending money on her or by asking her to live together. 

Be content where you are.  In Christ you don’t need this relationship.  It may be a blessing God has for you, but if you force it, you may turn His blessing into something much less. 

If you trust God for the relationship, He will provide you with appropriate times and ways to move the relationship forward, but if you simply take matters into your own hand, you will not like the results in the end.

Look at the other person’s friends

People do not choose their family, but they do choose their friends, and quality people tend to have quality friends.  That’s a generalization, but as a generalization it is true.  If you see that this other person has godly friends and strong friendships, that’s a good sign.  It doesn’t mean you end the relationship because you don’t like one of his or her friends.  But the nature of this person’s friendships suggests something.  I emphasize the word suggests. It doesn’t prove anything. This girl could have godly friends and be the wrong person for you, or this guy could have bad friendships and yet be the right guy. But these friendships are still good information.

Fit the pace of the relationship to reality

In a dating relationship, there is a time to move forward, a time to wait, and a time to end the relationship. When it is time to move, move. When it is time to wait, wait. If it is time to end the relationship, end it. I’ve seen damaged relationships when people needed to move forward but they waited. I’ve seen damaged relationships when people needed to wait, but they moved. And I’ve seen disaster when people needed to end a relationship but they didn’t.

Of course, the key is to know when to take a step and when not to, and there is no single answer to knowing that. Different people find themselves in different situations with different personalities and expectations, and it would be nice if I could give you a flat timeline that you could apply to every relationship. I can’t. What will help you in this process is keeping Christ first and seeking Him along the way. What will help you is listening well to the other person. What will help you is the counsel of godly people.

Don’t get caught up in getting everything perfect. You won’t get it perfect. But pay attention to what needs to happen at the particular stage you are in, and as best you can, do that.

To the man:

Lead in the dating relationship.  Dating is preliminary to marriage.  In marriage, the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church (Eph 5:22-24, 31-2)[1].  If you are not leading in a healthy way in the dating relationship, it will be difficult to do so after you are married.  You can’t just flip a switch and begin to relate to one another in a new way just because you said, “I do.”  Therefore, take the lead now.  Practice healthy leadership while you date, and if you do end up in marriage, you will already have healthy habits in place. 

Understand that your leadership must be like that of Christ for His church.  The Biblical leadership model is not domination.  Nor is it American entrepreneurialism.  This isn’t like running a business.  You will serve the girl as Christ served His church.  You will put her needs above your own.  Such is part of Biblical leadership.  But it also means that you lead.  You ask her out, not she asks you out.  You propose marriage when the time comes.  You seek her.  You initiate praying together, going to church together or serving together.  You are the leader.  So lead.

And because God intends the husband to be the head of the wife, that reality should inform what you are looking for in a woman.  I remember before Leanne ever knew I was interested in her, she and I were talking about something, and she made a throwaway comment about male headship in the home in a way that showed me she took it seriously.  That comment excited me, not because I desire some sort of power play but because I saw an attractive woman who took Scripture seriously on marriage.  It increased my desire to pursue her. 

Everyone is sinful.  You are and she is.  Sometimes her sin may involve her wanting to usurp your lead.  By itself that doesn’t mean you should end the relationship, but it is a red flag.  And if her desire to run the show in your relationship is ingrained in her, you will be better off without her than stuck to her for life.  A woman who honors what Scripture says about marriage shows maturity.  At least on that issue.

To the woman:

Let the man lead.  This is tricky.  Male headship within the home doesn’t mean the woman is a doormat.  Good leaders do not fear initiative in their people, and a good man won’t fear healthy initiative in you.  If he does, that is a red flag to you.  Thus, talk openly about whatever God lays on your heart to talk openly about.  Don’t be afraid to suggest that the two of you go to such and such party or that he makes a change in his ministry, or that you attend a conference together or that you pray together about something.  Don’t be afraid to plan an outing together or offer that you read a book together.  These are all initiatives that a godly leader will welcome, and they in no way usurp leadership from him.  Of course, you want him to be doing these same sorts of things too.  If all the initiating is on your side, that’s a problem.   

Confine the man’s leadership to the relationship.  When you date, you are not married.  He is, thus, not your husband and has no authority over you on any issue.  You don’t have to submit to him if he asks you to change your work, move to a new neighborhood, dress differently, buy a car, or whatever. 

Within the relationship, you are looking for a man who will lead you in Christ and serve you with his life.  Does he take responsibility for moving the relationship forward?  And does he take seriously leading the spiritual component of the relationship?  Let him lead on the big steps – beginning to date, proposing for marriage – and let him lead on those issues that deal purely with the relationship itself.  This doesn’t mean you can’t talk about marriage or about when you should meet his parents or he your parents.  It doesn’t mean you can’t initiate those conversations, but it does mean to let him lead on those issues.  Speak your mind, but let him lead. 

Do not follow his lead if he leads in an unbiblical way – he asks you to lie, he makes sexual advances, he pulls away from church.  He loses his leadership in such cases. 

These principles are incomplete and brief, but I pray they help.  I do want to talk about two other principles, but they involve a more lengthy discussion.  These deal with being unequally yoked and with sexual boundaries.  They will be separate blogs on their own.

[1] I don’t have time to flesh out what male leadership in marriage does and does not look like, but I have done that in previous blogs.  For more discussion on this topic, go here, here, and here.

Posted by mdemchsak, 0 comments
09
Feb
2022

Dating and Romance

Your love is better than wine. (Song of Solomon 1:2)

The greatest earthly blessings are often the greatest distractions from God.  Nowhere is this statement illustrated more clearly than in the issue of romantic relationships.  Sometimes God greatly blesses a man and woman by giving them each other; and when He does, the result is wondrously beautiful.  It can be a blessing beyond description, as it has been for Leanne and me.

But it is precisely the beauty of romance that creates the distraction.  One of the most common stumbling blocks for a godly man is a girl, and one of the most common stumbling blocks for a godly woman is a guy – not because romance is bad but because it is good.  Really good.  Romantic desires for the opposite sex are natural, powerful, and delightful, but sometimes powerful desires take over, and when they do, they are no longer mere desires.  They become masters, and we their slaves. 

Sadly, I have seen this too often.  I could list many men and women who were walking with Christ and growing in Him until they met that perfect person.  Five years later, that perfect person wasn’t so perfect, but the damage was done. The relationship with Christ had usually become distant.

We, thus, have great need for Biblical direction in navigating romantic relationships, and that direction begins by discussing the inherent goodness of romance.  When God created the human race, He created male and female, He made sexual attraction and sex itself, and He invented marriage. 

Thus, this entire world of romance is something God has His fingers all over.  God loves romance.  You might say He is a romantic at heart, for God so loved the world that He pursued us with a passion that no man ever had for a woman.  And when He won our hearts, He made us His Bride.  The very gospel itself is a love story, a heavenly romance.  Because of this fact, Christians, of all people, should be given over to the praises of romance.  Earthly romance is a picture of our relationship with God.  That’s why it is so good.  The problem comes when we make it a substitute for our relationship with God, when romance drives our life, when it becomes more important than Christ Himself. 

Now in modern culture, romance and dating often go together.  Sometimes dating comes first, and romance blossoms out of that soil.  Sometimes romantic feelings come first, and they drive the desire to date.  But whichever was first, they are often a pair. 

If you talk to Christians about dating, you will find responses all over the field.  To some Christians, dating is almost a curse word, a plague upon society to be avoided like voodoo.  To others, dating is a vast improvement over the old ways in which many couples got married without knowing each another.  In reality, dating has its pros and cons, and those who praise it, major on its benefits, while those who castigate it, major on its pitfalls.  What I want to do is to talk to single people about dating and to do so with a focus on the kingdom of God.  So let’s start.

The purpose of dating is tied to marriage.  In the beginning of the relationship, the purpose is to discern if this other person is someone to marry.  Later in the relationship – for example, during an engagement period – dating can involve preparation for marriage.  But at whatever stage a dating relationship is in, marriage lies behind the purpose of what you do.  Therefore, if you want to understand dating from a Biblical standpoint, you must first understand marriage. 

Marriage takes one man and one woman and unites them as one flesh for life.  In marriage the two become one in a way that is indivisible.  In marriage, the two live in closeness and intimacy for the rest of their lives.  In marriage, the one flesh union is permanent.  In marriage, you give your life to the other person as long as you both shall live.  This is what marriage is.

The purpose of marriage is to reflect Christ and the church – His Bride.  Thus, marriage is a portrayal of something bigger than itself, and God cares about marriage deeply because He intends it to be a living portrait of the gospel.  Marriage is sacred.  Marriage is intimate.  Marriage is permanent.[1]

These are all truths you need to know when you are trying to decide if you should marry someone.  The point of dating is to discern marriage; therefore, you need to ask yourself if you could live in oneness with this other person for the rest of your life.  You need to ask yourself if you can commit, if you can joyfully give yourself to this person, not for a year or two, but for the next 75 years or more. 

Many people who mess up the dating relationship do so because they don’t understand marriage.  If you have a low view of marriage, you will have a low view of dating as well.  Others mess up the dating relationship because they divorce dating from marriage altogether, as if the point of dating is merely to have fun or to be an outlet for their sexual desires. 

So far I have talked briefly about foundational issues related to dating and romance – romance is inherently good, it reflects a deeper and more important relationship with Christ, dating is tied to marriage, and marriage is sacred, intimate, and permanent. 

In the next blog, I want to talk about some principles for dating, but these foundational issues are crucial.  They are the operating system within which we must work as we start putting some function to a dating relationship. 

[1] I have been brief in describing marriage but have written a series of blogs on it.  If you want more detail, go here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.

Posted by mdemchsak, 0 comments
15
Dec
2021

The Christian and Work

For we hear that some among you walk in idleness, not busy at work, but busybodies.  Now such persons we command and encourage in the Lord Jesus Christ to do their work quietly and to earn their own bread. (II Thess 3:11-12)

I made great works.  I built houses and planted vineyards for myself.  I made myself gardens and parks, and planted in them all kinds of fruit trees.  I made myself pools from which to water the forest of growing trees . . . Then I considered all that my hands had done and the toil I had expended in doing it, and behold, all was vanity and a striving after wind, and there was nothing to be gained under the sun. (Eccl 2:4-6, 11)

Thank you, Father, for the work you give us.  We are grateful for it.  May we recognize it as good and you as the gracious giver of that good. 

I have said that when you become a Christian, Christ affects everything.  We have talked so far about matters usually considered to be spiritual – the Scriptures, prayer, commitment to a church, sharing your faith, fasting, dying to self, and more.  I now want to shift our focus a bit and talk about matters that most people consider more profane – work, money, family, pleasure, and relationships.

But before I begin, I need to dispel a misunderstanding.  I need to state clearly that the idea I just introduced – that some topics are spiritual and others profane – is largely a fiction.  Everything you do is spiritual.  Your attitude toward your job is spiritual.  How you spend money is spiritual.  Where you find your pleasure is spiritual.  How you treat your family is spiritual.  Life is spiritual.  I do not mean that all of life is esoteric and floating in the clouds.  I mean instead that in Christ, the spiritual comes to earth.  Your relationship with Christ should touch every area of your life, right on down to how you do the dishes. 

The spiritual realm should inform you on how to live on earth and empower you to live that way.  What this means is that if we are going to talk about the Christian life, we need to talk about life.  Today we will begin with one aspect of life – your work.

If I could describe the overall attitude the Bible displays toward work, I would say this:  work is good, but work is not God.  Let’s briefly look at both halves of that sentence. 

Work is Good

God works.  In Creation He worked six days making physical objects.  Jesus said, “My Father is working until now and I am working” (Jn 5:17).  God’s work never stops. 

God calls us to work.  In Genesis, God told the man and woman to subdue the earth and rule over it (1:28).  That is a job.  God then told Adam to work a garden (2:15).  That is also a job.  God gave both jobs to the human race before the Fall.  Sometimes people think that work is a consequence of the Fall.  That’s not true.  The Fall turned work into toil, but it did not invent work.  Work was part of the original created order that God said was “very good” (1:31). 

The jobs God gave Adam involve a range of activities.  Ruling involves authority, management, and stewardship.  Subduing the earth involves using the physical resources of the earth for human good and God’s glory.  Tending a garden involves manual labor.  Thus, prior to the Fall, God not only commands work, but He commands different kinds of work, including the kind of work that we today might consider menial, physical labor.  God considers ruling to be good and digging to be good. 

In addition, God instituted a Sabbath at Creation, and a Sabbath makes no sense apart from the context of work.  God gave an expectation that six days you shall work and one day you shall rest.  He even went so far as to model it for us. 

Proverbs frequently praises the man who works and criticizes the lazy man. 

Paul worked to support himself as he went about preaching the gospel.  He said that he who does not work should not eat, and that those in the Lord Jesus should do their work quietly and earn their own living (II Thes 3:10-12) and that if anyone does not provide for his own family, he has denied the faith (I Tim 5:8).

Scripture holds common work in high esteem.  If God calls you to be a farmer, He has called you to a good thing.  If He calls you to be a computer programmer or a lawyer or a mechanic or a plumber or a teacher or any other legitimate profession, He has called you to a good thing.  Work is good.  All work that doesn’t center on sin is good. 

Such work has several purposes.

First, honest work reflects the God who works.  God is not lazy.  Thus, if we are to be like God, we are to work.

Second, work not only reflects God but allows us opportunity to bring glory to God through ordinary means.  The trees and stars proclaim His glory just by growing and shining.  They do their normal work and honor God by it.  In the same way, medicine provides the doctor ordinary means for bringing glory to God, and teaching provides the teacher ordinary means for bringing glory to God.  If you wait tables or bake cakes, you have an ordinary job through which you can bring glory to God.  You don’t have to be a pastor or missionary to glorify God in your work.  Landscaping, architecture, truck driving, painting, sewing, housekeeping, raising children and more are all opportunities to glorify God.  Whatever you do, do it for Christ and not for you, and you will find great purpose in it.  You may work for a company or the government or yourself, but in the end, you work for Christ.  Do your work as if you are working for Him. 

Third, honest work contributes to subduing the earth and ruling over it.  Different types of jobs contribute in different ways.  Ranchers provide food.  Scientists and teachers help us understand the world we live in.  Engineers and contractors design and build things.  Medical personnel keep us healthy.  All of these tasks and more help the human race use the earth for human good. 

Fourth, work provides our basic needs.  Food, water, shelter, clothing, and heat all come through work.

For all these reasons, a person filled with Christ should perform his or her work with excellence and integrity.  Sloppy work, a lazy man, or a lack of integrity in your job give the world an excuse to castigate Christ.  The Christian should never allow that to happen.  But excellent work and a diligent man full of integrity give the world a portrait of what Christ looks like in the work place.  It brings glory to God through ordinary means.  Daniel did this.  Joseph did this.  And so should we. 

Work is Not God

But work is not God.  Work may be a good gift from God, but it is only a gift.  Work is a tool in life, not the purpose of life.  It is a means for glorifying God, not the end in itself.  It is good but never ultimate.

In Ecclesiastes, Solomon writes of the vanity of work (2:4-7, 11).  I recall speaking to a man who developed products for IBM.  He was doing cutting edge research and development for one of the leading technology companies in the world, and he said that he sometimes felt as if his job was a living portrait of Ecclesiastes.  He would invest thousands of hours of his life developing a product, only to find that six months after they released it, it had become obsolete.  He then would work on the next product, which would shortly become obsolete, and the next one, and the next one.  The technology was constantly advancing, and he felt as if he never got anywhere.  This cycle was his work.  And that cycle is Ecclesiastes. 

Arturo (not his real name) had just gotten a Phd in petroleum engineering from the University of Texas, the number one ranked university in the world in petroleum engineering.  We were talking about his future, and I was pushing him to think bigger than work and said, “Arturo, I don’t think God made you just so you can find oil.  I think He has something more important for you than that.”

I remember a missionary to Japan describing the work culture of Japan.  Work was everything.  Work was life.  If you didn’t work 100 hours a week, you were not devoted enough.  Work was how you got ahead.  Work was how you proved your worth.  Work did not serve you and your fellow humanity.  You were its slave.  Is it any wonder that Japanese culture is full of much meaninglessness, suicide and despair.  If you have nothing beyond earth and your purpose lies in making cars, I feel sorry for you.  I’m sure Japanese culture has many noble aspects to it, but the worship of work is not one of them. 

Whatever you do for a living involves earth at some level, and earth will pass away.  The financial records the accountant kept last year will be meaningless ten years from now.  The hair that the stylist styles will need to be restyled in a few months, and every head the stylist works on will have no hair eighty years from now.  The car that the mechanic repairs eventually ends up in the junk yard, and the body that the fitness coach trains winds up buried under dirt.  Earth passes away.  Everything that is on earth passes away.  That includes your earthly work.

So if your job interferes with your time for God or your ability to serve His kingdom, you need to make some changes to your job. Your job is not your top priority. Christ is, and that fact is not negotiable.

Therefore, work your job diligently, with integrity and excellence, as if you are serving Christ, but never treat your job as your main purpose.  A workaholic is just as dysfunctional as a bum but in the opposite direction.  Making your work your main purpose is sin.  It replaces God with running a company.  No one who does that will be happy in the end, for running a company is not what you were ultimately made for. 

People are different.  Some will have a greater danger of being lazy than of being a workaholic, and others just the opposite.  Whichever of those errors you are more inclined toward, the solution, at its most basic level, is much the same.  Do your work for Christ and not for you.  Christ will push the lazy person to have a heart for diligence and excellence, and He will remind the workaholic that work is subordinate to the Savior, and that we serve Him above any job we may have.  Christ will give that person peace, a new perspective and remind him of his other responsibilities that he is neglecting – spouse, kids, parents, church, missions, God.

Posted by mdemchsak, 0 comments
26
Oct
2021

The Christian and Fasting

“When you fast . . .” (Mt 6:16-7)

Father, may my life be yours. 

Christian disciplines are a normal part of a healthy Christian life.  Time in the Scriptures, prayer, giving, service, and sharing your faith are all disciplines I have already discussed.  And while Christians may not practice these disciplines well, they generally agree that they ought to.  Today, however, I want to deal with a discipline that may be the least practiced of them all, and part of the reason for the lag in practice is that many Christians do not think they ought to practice it.  I am talking about fasting. 

Why Christians Don’t Fast

There are two big reasons why Christians do not fast.

1.  Some Christians see fasting as a legalistic practice.  To them fasting is like the law, but we are now under grace.  They read Colossians 2:20-23 and believe Paul is condemning fasting outright.  They see in church history some monasteries turning fasting into nothing more than a rule.  They see perhaps Christians today who make fasting a legalistic ritual.  And when they see all this, they conclude that fasting was for the Old Testament maybe, but the old is gone and the new has come. 

In all of the cases these Christians point to, however, I want to make a distinction.  In Colossians, Paul is clearly condemning legalism.  His point is that you are in Christ, that you are to walk in Christ, and that in Christ you have everything (2:6-15).  He says that with Christ you died to the basic principles of this world (2:20).  Why then would you do religion as the world does (2:20-3).  The world focuses on rules, but rules cannot stop the indulgence of the flesh (v. 23).  In other words, rules can’t make you holy.  Paul’s point is not that Christians should refrain from practicing Christian disciplines, but that those disciplines do not lie at the center of our faith – Christ does. 

In parts of church history and perhaps in some people’s lives today, fasting certainly has been a legalistic activity, and in that sense, Paul would condemn the way such people have practiced it, but I don’t believe Paul is condemning the practice wholesale.  Many of the same monasteries that turned fasting into a rule also turned prayer into a rule, but no Christian seriously wants to say that prayer is legalistic.  We are able to distinguish between legalistic prayer and legitimate prayer.  Why can’t we do the same with fasting?

In fact, all the disciplines can be practiced in a legalistic way.  You can have legalistic giving, legalistic Bible reading, legalistic service, legalistic sharing of your faith, legalistic confession, legalistic accountability, and more.  When Christians refuse to fast because they think it legalistic, they are throwing the baby out with the bath water. 

When Paul condemns legalism in Colossians, he is not condemning fasting itself.  After Paul became a Christian, he still fasted.  In fact, when he was part of the church leadership at Antioch, the entire church leadership fasted (Acts 13:1-2). And Antioch was not merely a Jewish congregation but a mix of Jews and Gentiles (11:19-21).  In other words, fasting is not just some Old Testament practice reserved for Jews.  It’s for everyone. 

Jesus fasted (Mt 4:2) and endorsed fasting.  He said “When you fast,” do it a certain way (Mt 6:16-8).  He talks as if He expects you to fast, but He makes a distinction between legitimate fasting and illegitimate fasting.  Later, when people ask why His disciples do not fast, He said, “Can the wedding guests mourn as long as the bridegroom is with them?  The days will come when the bridegroom is taken away from then, and then they will fast” (Mt 9:15).  Jesus is referring to the future when He is no longer physically on Earth, and He says at that time, His people will fast.

Those Christians who claim fasting is legalistic are not looking at the whole picture.  Nor are they making important distinctions between different motives for fasting or world views that inform fasting.  Fasting is still beneficial for Christians.  It can be legalistic, but it doesn’t have to be.

2.  Probably the biggest reason why Christians don’t fast is that it is hard.  Fasting denies our body something that it wants, and self-denial is a practice that the flesh will always fight.  To put it in simplest terms:  We don’t fast because we like to eat.

Even when the spirit is willing, the flesh is weak.  We thus have this natural desire pressing us away from fasting.  We then look at Scripture and see that fasting does not save us, that it can be done from wrong motives, that it can be legalistic, and that the Pharisees were big on it.  We also see a God of grace and an emphasis on our hearts as opposed to our rituals, and conclude, usually subconsciously, that fasting isn’t all that important after all.  We give fasting little thought, and when we do think about it, we often pat ourselves on the back that we have avoided the legalism of Ramadan.  But what often drives such thinking is not really an avoidance of legalism but an avoidance of self-denial.  Legalism is just the excuse.  The flesh sits in the driver’s seat.  I have seen this first hand, for I have seen it in myself. 

Some Benefits of Fasting

1.  Fasting helps you see your weakness more clearly.  The truth is that you and I are far weaker than we think.  We like to go around thinking how capable we are – I’ve got this . . . I can do this.  Such thinking is pandemic.  But when you fast, you become physically weak, and you grow tired more easily.  When you feel weak, you are less apt to think yourself strong and more apt to see your need for God. Thus . . .

2.  Fasting drives you to God.  It helps you see Him more clearly.  Part of seeing God is seeing your own brokenness, and part of seeing God is to see His glory.  Fasting helps in both these directions.  The reason most people miss God’s glory is that Earth gets in the way.  We are so consumed with work responsibilities and family issues and finances and entertainment that God becomes distant and nebulous. 

Fasting has a way of cutting through all these earthly distractions and directing our attention back to God.  Fasting doesn’t eliminate all other responsibilities, but it puts them in perspective.  Think of it this way.  What’s more important?  Your 8:00 AM meetings?  Or food?  In fact, don’t you work so that you can eat?  When you willingly give up something like food in obedience to God, your job looks different.  When you give up food, it’s not that you think eating is unimportant but that God is much more important.  This perspective on food can spill over into other areas of life.  If God is more important than food, then surely He is also more important than basketball or music or a computer science degree.  It’s not just food that gets a new perspective.  All of life does.  And when God becomes bigger to you than life, you begin to see Him.

3.  Fasting helps you deny self.  Jesus said that if you want to follow Him, you must deny self and take up your cross.  He said you must lose your life in order to find it (Mt 16:24-5).  Paul said that he died daily (I Cor 15:31) and counted all things loss that he might know Christ (Ph 3:7-8).  The concept of denying self or dying to self is all over the New Testament.  It is central to what the Christian life is to look like.  The problem with self-denial is that we don’t want to do it.  It’s hard.  But it’s mandatory. 

Fasting gives you practice in self-denial.  It helps train your heart to let go of what you want, so that when God puts His finger on something you cherish and says, “Give it to me,” the practice is not foreign to you.  The letting go of food in a fast is minor and temporary compared to the other things God will ask you to give up.  He may ask for your career or a girl friend or boyfriend.  He may say, “I am more important than your family.”  Thus, fasting is not the complete self-denial or dying that God will ask of you, but if you fast in obedience to God, it can help when the real dying comes. 

One reason the Western church is so shallow is that it has thrown away the concept of self-denial, and when you get rid of self-denial, you live for yourself.  The Western lack of emphasis on fasting is both a contributing factor and a symptom of this shallowness. 

4.  Fasting builds discipline and self-control.  One of the fruits of the Spirit is self-control.  When you fast, you are practicing self-control.

5.  Proper fasting helps build humility.  I say proper fasting because the Pharisees fasted and were quite proud.  But when you fast with God at the center, you lay at His feet a strong desire of yours.  Fasting involves a submission of your life to God.  It says to God, “You are in charge of even when I eat.” 

How Not to Fast

So let’s talk about some do’s and don’ts.  First the don’ts.

1.  Do not fast because you think God requires fasting in order to be good.  That is legalism.  Fasting does not make you good. 

2.  Do not fast because you think God requires fasting in order to accept you.  That is Islam, and it is also legalism.  God accepts you in Christ.  Christ did the work of being good.  By faith you are simply in Him and have His righteousness.  In that sense, God accepts you even when you are not good – like the tax collector praying.

3.  Do not fast in order to look good spiritually.  This is the sort of fast Jesus condemns in Matthew 6.  When you fast, fast for your heavenly Father who is in secret and not to be seen by men.  This means don’t show off the fact that you are fasting.  Don’t announce it to the world.  Of course, there will be people close to you who will see that you are fasting.  Don’t lie to them in order to keep things secret.  If someone asks you why you are not eating, just tell him.

4.  Do not think you are better than others because you fast.  The Pharisee praying in the temple thanked God that he fasted twice a week and that he was not like sinners – like that tax collector over there.  Jesus, however, said that it was the tax collector and not the Pharisee who was justified before God.  Remember, fasting doesn’t make you good. 

5.  Do not fast merely for health reasons or to lose weight.  Fasting to lose weight might better be called anorexia.  Its focus is not on God but on your body and self-image.  It is self-centered. 

Fasting, however, can result in certain health benefits and fasting for health reasons is now in vogue.  You can practice such a fast.  It is not wrong in and of itself, but understand that fasting for health reasons is different from fasting for spiritual reasons.  If you want to maximize the spiritual benefit of fasting, then fast for your heavenly Father, fast over your sin, fast for God’s presence, fast to see God move in a situation, fast out of obedience to God.  Biblical fasting is always spiritual. 

How to Fast

1.  Fast as God leads.  We are not under law, so there is no universal rule or fasting schedule for all people.  Fasting is personal.  It is something you do because God asks you to.  Fasting can be corporate, but even when it is corporate, you participate because God wants you to. 

Fasting can be scheduled.  Maybe God asks you to fast regularly one day a week.  But when you engage in a scheduled fast, your schedule is not binding on others, and it is binding on you only because God has spoken to you. 

2.  Fast with your heart on God.  Fasting should be focused on God.  The purpose of fasting is spiritual, to seek God’s heart, God’s direction, God’s help, God’s power.  If you fast but are not seeking God in some way, you are not engaged in a Biblical fast.

3.  When you fast, continue to practice other Christian disciplines.  Read and meditate on Scripture when you fast.  Pray when you fast.  Sing and worship when you fast.  Take time to be alone when you fast.  The purpose of fasting is to focus on God, and all these practices help you do that. 

Some Practical Considerations

1.  Fasting can look different for different people.  Maybe God asks you to fast one meal a day.  Maybe He asks you to fast one day a week or two days.  Maybe He asks you to fast for a week or two.  Or longer.  Maybe He asks you to fast indefinitely and wants you to trust Him for when the fast will end.  Maybe He wants you to fast until something happens (until after a conference or a teaching you are giving).  Not only will the fasting schedule look different for different people, but it may also look different for you at different times. 

2.  The most common fast is to go without food but to drink water.  Some people fast from food but may drink juices or other liquids.  Some people may fast from food and water.  For complete fasts from food and drink, do not go beyond three days.  Your body can’t generally go without water for more time than that.  It can, however, go without food for a much longer time. 

3.  If you are a normal, healthy person, fasting should not cause you any health problems.  In fact, it may bring some health benefits.  Some people, however, may have health conditions that would preclude them from a typical fast.  If you are diabetic or pregnant, you probably don’t want to fast.  If you have a specific health condition and want to know if you can fast, ask your doctor.

4.  The most common fasts involve food, and when the Bible talks about fasting, it is referring to food.  However, it is possible to fast from things other than food.  You can fast from the Internet, from soccer, from social media, from the news, from Spotify, or from virtually anything that is a common practice of yours.  The fast, of course, should involve giving something up that you would find difficult to give up.  If you fast from camping but hate camping, that’s not doing anything.  But if your habit is to check social media every few hours or if you really love watching football, now we are talking about a fast that can help you.

These kinds of fasts can be beneficial for people who, for health reasons, can’t fast from food.  They can also be beneficial for people who do fast from food.  If you have ever given up some practice for a time (social media, TV) and felt the spiritual benefit of doing so, then you understand how fasting can bring spiritual benefit. 

5.  When you break a fast (especially a longer fast), do not break it with a heavy meal.  Eat some fruit or vegetables or maybe some cereal.  Drink some water or juice, but don’t go in for a big plate of pasta or curry.  You’ll regret that.  When you fast, your body adjusts to no food.  If you then suddenly stuff yourself with a Mexican plate, your body can’t handle it well.  You want to ease your body back into handling food. 

You will also find that when you break a fast, your eyes will be bigger than your stomach.  You will feel hungry and think you can eat portions like before, but you can’t.  Psychologically, you will want to pile your plate high, but in reality, your stomach has shrunk and you will be able to eat maybe half a portion.  Just be prepared for that phenomenon.

I have been quite brief in this blog, but I hope that I have encouraged you to be open to the possibility that God might ask you to fast and then to obey if He does.

Fasting has helped God’s people for thousands of years.

Posted by mdemchsak, 0 comments
08
Oct
2021

Tell Them

Go therefore and make disciples of all nations . . . (Matthew 28:19)

But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect,keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander. (I Peter 3:15-16)

Lord, you have put me on Earth to proclaim your name.  Be gracious to me and grant me boldness and wisdom and clarity as I do so.  And change the hearts of those I speak to, that they may know your beauty and the great love you have toward them.

When the Samaritan woman encountered Jesus, she ran home and told people to come see the man who told her everything she ever did.  She had met Messiah and wanted people to know Him.  What she did is what every Christian is to do.  We are to share our faith. 

The gospel is good news, and good news is something you tell.  When your boyfriend asks you to marry him, you tell your family and friends.  When the baby is born, you tell your family and friends.  When you are accepted into medical school, you tell your family and friends.  You share good news.  In fact, you want to share it.  And Jesus is good news.  Therefore, sharing Jesus with people is a basic, normal, part of the Christian life.  The desire to share Jesus should be as natural as the desire to share being healed from cancer.  If you didn’t want to share it, we would think something was wrong with you. 

Those who follow Jesus tell others about Him.  If they don’t, they hurt their own relationship with God.  People who keep Jesus to themselves handicap their spiritual growth.  Jesus wasn’t meant to be kept to yourself. 

Of course, sharing Jesus with people is risky in many situations.  Not everyone considers following Jesus to be good news.  Muslims, communists, secular Americans, and others all reject the gospel of Jesus for different reasons – but Christians know that Jesus has brought them salvation and peace.  And even when sharing the faith poses no tangible risk, it can feel risky to many people.  Not everyone is wired like the Samaritan woman.  Some people are quiet.  Some don’t want to offend.  Some feel a lack of confidence to address people’s questions.  Some feel unqualified because of their sin.  Most Christians have some reason why they don’t share their faith. 

In the end, however, these reasons are excuses, even when they are true.  Quiet people still need to speak of Christ.  People afraid to offend need to remember that sometimes the gospel is offensive.  People concerned about addressing questions need to understand that they don’t have to have all the answers and that the best way to learn is to do.  People who sin need to remember that in Christ, they are clean and forgiven and that guilt should not rack their lives. 

Sharing your faith can look different for different people and in different situations.  Some will continually start spiritual conversations with strangers on the street.  Others will modestly share the hope of Christ in more restrained ways.  But all must share the message.  Sharing your faith will involve the following:  prayer, your life, an unbeliever, a relationship, and a message.  Let’s briefly look at each of these aspects.

Sharing your faith involves prayer.  At the end of the day, you do not and cannot convert anyone.  Conversion is God’s business.  Thus, prayer acknowledges the centrality of God in the conversion process and invites Him to do His work.  To evangelize without praying is a bit silly.  It’s trying to do God’s work without God. 

Sharing your faith involves your life. You must understand that your life is a message just as much as your words are.  Your words lose credibility if your life does not match them.  Do not just tell the gospel.  Live it.  Tell the truth.  Treat people with the love of Christ.  Do your job with excellence.  Be sexually pure.  Don’t get drunk.  Let your mouth be clean.  Your life speaks volumes.  It’s part of your message.

Sharing your faith involves an unbeliever.  Some Christians are so insulated from unbelievers that they don’t have any one to share their faith with.  If that’s you, find some people who do not follow Jesus and get to know them.

Sharing your faith involves a relationship.  Jesus actually built relationships with tax collectors and sinners.  He ate in their homes.  He got to know them and let them get to know Him.  You need to care about unbelievers as people.  To do so necessitates relationship.  Relationships break down barriers and build trust.  They also allow others to see your life.  NonChristians need to see how you live and not just hear words from you.  Of course, there are special cases in which you have little time to develop a relationship – a waitress in a restaurant, a person you meet on the bus, etc. – but even in these cases, it is important to be as personal as possible and to address the real issues of the person you are speaking with.  It shows you respect them.

Sharing your faith involves a message.  If you never proclaim the message with your mouth, you have a problem.  “How are they to believe in him of whom they have never heard?  And how are they to hear without someone preaching?” (Rm 10:14)  The message is the substance of what Jesus has done.  Stay quiet, and nobody knows. 

Part of sharing Jesus is simply letting people know that you are a Christian.  Be open about who you are.  In high-risk situations – North Korea, Afghanistan – you might let fewer people know, but you cannot completely hide your faith indefinitely.  It has to come out.  If you live the faith, people will then start asking you about it. 

If you belong to Jesus, sharing your faith is not optional.  Of course, sharing Jesus is not a work that saves you.  We are not Jehovah’s Witnesses.  It’s the other way round.  Salvation by grace makes us want to share Jesus, and the presence of the Holy Spirit empowers us to do so. 

What I am saying is not new or wild.  It is the thrust of ancient Scripture and the experience of more than 2000 years of Christian history. 

Posted by mdemchsak, 0 comments
03
Sep
2021

Serving

“For the Son of Man did not come to be served but to serve” (Mk 10:45)

Lord, may I love you more.  And may I serve you because I love you.  Not to gain any reward, but because you are worthy. 

People who walk with God give their lives to serve His kingdom.  Service to Christ is a basic and normal part of the Christian life.  God’s people work to advance the gospel.  

Now I suppose I need to clear up a common misconception about working for the kingdom.  It is this:  working for the kingdom is not works righteousness. 

Grace lies at the foundation of Christianity.  Salvation is a gift.  Holiness is a gift.  Forgiveness, joy, and peace are gifts.  And sometimes Christians emphasize these gifts in such a way that they simply consume them.  They lounge in their forgiveness and salvation and are quick to fight any suggestion that they ought to serve the church or work for the kingdom.  Grace then becomes an excuse to do nothing. 

This notion of Christianity is light years from that of Jesus, who called people to give away their lives for His kingdom.  Genuine faith serves God.  It may be true that we are saved by grace, but it is also true that we are saved for good works in Christ.

Thus, the Christian who walks with God wants to serve the kingdom.  It is not enough merely to attend church.  God wants you actively involved in its ministry.  God wants you to serve.

Christians who do not serve grow spiritually fat.  They lie around in their grace without ever realizing that the grace they received frees them to serve, and that the strength to serve is itself grace.  In other words, the Christians who never serve limit the grace they receive, for it is when you come face to face with bringing the gospel to difficult people or planting a church – when you face the struggles of ministry – that you begin to see how much more grace you need. 

Christian faith grows through ministry.  Ministry shows you your need for prayer, which means it shows you your need for God.  When you cut yourself off from ministry, you cut back the grace of God.  When you say, “I’m too busy to serve,” you forget that it is God whom you are too busy to serve – the One who has shown you such kindness.  And you won’t serve Him. 

People who do not serve the kingdom do not understand grace.  Or the kingdom.  They understand merely their own desires.

If serving is normal, how then should we serve?

Serve from the heart

Serving is not legalism.  It is the natural overflow of a heart in love with Jesus.  Therefore, the best step you can take toward healthy Christian service is to deepen your love for Jesus.  Pursue Christ, not Christ’s work. 

Serve sacrificially

Serving is just a different form of giving.  Instead of giving money, you give time, skills, and energy.  Give such resources generously. 

The Christian who walks with God may have a job but still finds time to minister to refugees, to teach a Bible study, to organize a prayer gathering, to facilitate a neighborhood outreach, or to do any one of a thousand other ministries that advance the kingdom of God. 

Serving the kingdom is so basic to a healthy Christian life that if you work a job that consistently leaves you no time for ministry, you might want to look for a new job or look at how you manage your time.  Jesus’ disciples left their homes and careers to advance the kingdom.  God may not ask that level of sacrifice from you, but He will require sacrifices of some sort.  Be willing to make them.  This is part of following Christ, for He was willing to sacrifice His life to serve. 

Serve now

Many people put off giving to the future, and many put off serving to the future. 

“When I get my promotion, then I will have more time and then I will serve . . . When I graduate . . .  When my parents die . . . When I get a car . . . When . . . When . . . When . . .”  Jesus rebuked the man who said “but first let me bury my father.” 

Now.  Serve now.  You don’t have to serve in some big way.  And yes, there is a time for rest and to take breaks, but such rest is for people who are already serving.  If you’re not serving, start. 

There are many related and more complicated issues we could cover here, but for now, this will suffice.  For many, this is where you are.  You need to see the connection between your relationship with Jesus and your service for Him.  Don’t try to have the one without the other.

Posted by mdemchsak, 0 comments