Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers (II Cor 6:14).
If we are going to talk about dating, then at some point, we have to talk about the concept of being unequally yoked. This is the idea that a Christian should marry a Christian.
But before we talk about that, let’s talk more broadly about saying “no” to a potential date. Perhaps you have had to do this and know what it is like. The reality is that I have never met a person who would date anybody. If you are single, you can think of people whom you would never date. When I was single, I remember girls saying “no” to me. And I remember girls interested in me whom I would never ask out. The fact of the matter is that everybody has criteria to determine whom he or she can and cannot date. If you are single, this is you and you know it. Maybe you haven’t thought deeply about what your criteria are and, thus, can’t list them out, but you know you wouldn’t date just anybody. I bet you could give me names of people right now whom you would never date. You might even be able to give me reasons, and the moment you give me reasons, you are giving me criteria by which you make distinctions between eligible and noneligible dates.
What I am describing is universal. I say this to point out the fact that the business of excluding potential partners is something you already do, and you have no problem with it. You have your criteria.
Now the Biblical position on being unequally yoked simply says that one of the criteria for a Christian needs to be that the other person is also a Christian. This is pretty basic. So let me tell a story.
When I was a teenager, I remember hearing a youth leader speak about dating, and he advised Christians not to date nonChristians. Inside me arose this visceral reaction. I wanted to shout, “No!” I felt that this leader’s advice was smack full of arrogance and that it communicated to most of the world, “I’m better than you.” I genuinely believed that everyone was equal and that equality in dating meant that I must be open to anybody.
Two things then happened to me. The first is that I proceeded to walk with God. I don’t mean I didn’t sin. I had plenty of that. But I immersed myself in the Scriptures. I prayed daily. I plugged into a church. And I did these things from the heart. I genuinely wanted to know God better.
The second thing that happened to me is that I began to pay closer attention to the lives of girls, and I noticed a big difference between Christian and nonChristian girls. It wasn’t that Christian girls were holy and nonChristian girls were sinners or that Christian girls were more fun to be around. It was that Christian girls genuinely desired Jesus and nonChristian girls did not. Here was the one thing in life that mattered most to me, and the Christian girls understood, but the nonChristian girls could not. It’s not just that they did not understand. They could not understand.
By the time I had graduated from college, I had completely changed on this issue. I knew Biblically, and I knew from life that as a Christian I could never marry a nonChristian. I knew it. And I understood that this new position was not the least bit arrogant. In fact, it required me to humble myself before God. I had to say, “I was wrong.” I had to listen not so much to America but to Scripture. I also realized that I already had seen many girls I could not date for reasons other than faith, and I did not consider myself arrogant for having those reasons. If I was willing to say “no” to a girl because she smoked, then I also should have been able to do so because she had no faith. Her lack of faith was a far deeper and more central issue than her smoking or her looks or even her personality, and I didn’t think myself arrogant for considering those things. Marrying a Christian simply became one of my criteria.
That’s my story, and I tell it to say that this is not a mere theory to me. It’s real life. I think it’s helpful to understand that before we look at the Scriptures.
So let’s now look at the Scriptures. Let’s begin with marriage itself. I’ve already written about marriage, so I’m just going to summarize. In marriage, “a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh” (Gen 2:28). That is the definition of marriage Jesus gives. If the two are one, they need to be intimate on the most important and deepest issues, they need to be one in their finances, in their priorities, in their child rearing, and in their service to God. This is what marriage is. In addition, the purpose of marriage is to reflect Christ and the Church (Eph 5:22-32). This definition and purpose of marriage do not directly forbid a Christian from marrying an unbeliever, but they lay the foundation for understanding why.
Elsewhere, however, Scripture does directly forbid a believer from marrying an unbeliever. Here is Paul:
Do not be unequally yoked with an unbeliever. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? What agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God . . . (II Cor 6:14-16)
Do not be unequally yoked. I imagine you have seen pictures of a yoke or have heard perhaps of a yoke of oxen. A yoke is a heavy wooden bar that connects two animals together, usually for the purpose of plowing or pulling a cart. The yoke takes the two animals and makes them one. It allows them to pull together as a team. The yoke also inextricably binds the two animals together. This is the picture Paul gives.
Paul says to Christians not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers. The idea is that the Christian should not enter a relationship with an unbeliever in which the two are bound together as one. He then gives his reason for the command through a series of questions. What partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Light with darkness? And so on.
Paul is not forbidding ordinary friendships because ordinary friendships do not require that the two be bound as one. Marriage, however, is a different type of relationship. If ever there was a relationship in which the two are bound as one, marriage is that relationship.
But the concept of being unequally yoked is not restricted to II Corinthians. In the Old Testament, God commanded the Israelite men not to intermarry with the daughters of the peoples around them (Ex 34:16; Dt 7:3; Mal 2:11). In Judges the Israelites took wives from the other peoples around them and wound up serving the gods of those wives (Jg 3:6). In Ezra and Nehemiah the Israelites took wives from the nations around them and had to repent of it (Ez 10:2; Neh 13:23-7). Paul instructs believing widows that they are free to remarry, “only in the Lord” (I Cor 7:39). And, of course marriage portrays Christ and the Church. The Church is the Bride of Christ. The concept of an unbelieving Church is nonsensical.
Thus, when Paul commands believers not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers, he is not communicating something new or strange. He is simply repeating the consistent Biblical message on this topic.
But why? Why should believers not marry unbelievers?
The main reason deals with your spiritual life. When God forbade Israel from intermarrying, He says that the reason is spiritual – lest “you take of their daughters for your sons and their daughters whore after their gods and make your sons whore after their gods.” (Ex 34:16). Significant time bound as one to an unbeliever will make it harder for you to walk intimately with Christ. NonChristians cannot understand a complete commitment to Jesus Christ. They cannot share with you the deepest, most important desires you have. They will never understand your faith.
But marriage involves more than just understanding. In marriage, a man and woman become one. They must then live life as one. When a believer is thus yoked to an unbeliever, the two cannot move forward together spiritually. The believer will want to give sacrificially from their finances to the work of the kingdom. The unbeliever will think that is the craziest idea he has ever heard. The believer will want to raise their kids in Christ. The unbeliever will most likely oppose that desire, but even if not, at best, the unbeliever can simply acquiesce. She can never help out. The believer will want to spend significant time with God’s people and serving God in ministry. The unbeliever will not care. The believer will want Christ to be the top priority in the family. The unbeliever will push back on that priority.
Imagine two oxen yoked together, and one wants to go right and the other left. Or one walks forward but drags the other. This is a marriage between a believer and an unbeliever when it comes to spiritual matters.
Occasionally you hear people bring up the idea of evangelistic dating. You know. “What if my dating her is the only witness she has? And if she does convert, we are then free to marry.”
You are playing with fire. She may convert. She may not. You may “fall in love” with her and all of a sudden you’re making all sorts of excuses as to why you can marry her. And she doesn’t need you to date her for you to be a witness to her. In fact, you’ll be a better witness to her if you don’t date her. Follow Scripture. Not what you want.
In unequally yoked relationships I have seen the unbeliever convert. It happens. But more often what happens is that the Christian flounders spiritually and, to use Biblical language, pursues the gods of the nations.
If you are a Christian, don’t marry a nonChristian. Which means, don’t even date one.
Finally, I need to say something to the Christian already married to a nonChristian. Paul addresses this situation as well. If you are a believer but your spouse is not, remain with your spouse (I Cor 7:12ff). You are married. You are one flesh for life. Love your spouse well. Pray for him or her. You have obvious limits to what you can do together spiritually, but the story isn’t over. God is in the business of redeeming the lost. Pray for that, and above all, walk with Christ yourself.
