There once was a woman who landed at an airport in Columbia. She needed to take a cab up into the mountains where the roads were windy, narrow, and had steep drop offs with no guard rails. She approached the line of cabs at the airport, told the first driver where she needed to go and asked him how good a driver he was and how close he could drive to the edge of the road without going over the side.
The man said, “Ma’am, I am a very good driver. I can drive within half a meter of the edge without going over.”
She went to the next cab. “Ma’am,” that driver said. “I can get ten centimeters from the edge.”
She went to the next cab and the man put his hands up and said, “Ma’am, if you come with me, we are staying as far from that edge as possible.”
“Open the door,” she said. “I’ll go with you.”
When it comes to dating and sex, most people think like the first two cab drivers. “How close can I get without crossing the line?”
Paul, however, commands us to “flee sexual immorality.” The idea is not to inch our way close to immorality without going over the edge but to stay as far from it as possible.
When you date, sexual sin is a real danger, much more than with other forms of courtship, and contemporary culture makes this topic difficult to talk about. On the one hand, if you look at the big picture of the Christian dating scene, it is obvious that we have a problem. I could list name after name after name after name of people who identified with Christ but who committed sexual sin before marriage. On the other hand, we have many people who, once they hear you talk about sexual boundaries, protest vehemently. They say you are being legalistic and setting up merely a list of do’s and don’ts. They often say as well that you are being judgmental and creating an unhealthy atmosphere that condemns sex.
So here I am stuck in the middle. We have a glaring problem that I need to address, but once I do, many will say I am legalistic. Oh well. I guess I can’t please everybody.
I will concede first that legalism about sex can and does exist within certain quarters, and I do wish to avoid it. But I also need to say that many people who decry legalism are really decrying holiness by calling it legalism. To them almost all righteousness is legalism. They could not tell the difference between legalism and righteousness if they had to.
The Christian pursues Christ. Part of that pursuit of Christ involves fleeing sexual immorality. But when we flee it, we do so because we are pursuing something greater. This is holiness. Legalism, however, argues about the technicalities of whether an activity is OK or not.
Now in this discussion, I will at times talk about activities that cross the line. Unfortunately, there’s no way to avoid the idea of a line somewhere, but I don’t want our focus to be on where the lines are. In holiness, the focus is on Christ and on honoring Him. If He is your focus, you will not cross the lines even if you don’t know exactly where they are. But if you focus on where the lines are, you are not focusing on Christ and will be more likely to violate the boundaries, even if you know exactly where they are. Christ is more powerful than mere knowledge. Pursue Him.
The next thing I need to discuss is why. Why should dating couples care about sexual boundaries? The answer may not be what you think. Most people think that Christians avoid premarital sex because they view sex as some dirty thing. The reality is just the opposite. To Christians, sex is a beautiful and holy thing; and because it is so beautiful and holy, Christians do not consider it profane. Sex is special and is, thus, reserved for a special relationship. Christians have a much higher view of sex than the world that ironically says the Christian view is so low. When you are single, you need sexual boundaries because you are protecting something special.
I could say more about the Christian view of sex, but I already have. Go here and here. It might be helpful to read those blogs before you move on, for they lay some foundation for any healthy thinking about sex.
Sexual passion is powerful, and the farther you walk down its path, the harder it is to turn back. It is easier to avoid sexual sin by drawing boundaries early than by waiting until you are kissing. Sexual sin never begins with intercourse or even kissing. It begins with a look. That look becomes a stare. That stare implants itself as a recurring thought. Maybe a week later, that thought impels you to grab her hand and another week after that to touch her hair. Soon you are touching her waist and then her legs and then you are kissing. The exact sequence and time frame are not always the same, but you get the idea. You see the direction this is going in. Each step in the progression makes the passion roar. It is far easier to stop that progression earlier than later. The farther down that road you travel, the more drunk you become with passion, the less clear is your thinking and the weaker your self control.
So I want to talk about that progression and how to handle it in a dating relationship. You need some boundaries that you will not cross. How do you decide where they are? Some activities are clearly out of bounds: intercourse, petting, passionate kissing, taking off clothes, touching private parts, crude joking, and others.
Other activities, however – hugging, holding hands – may be appropriate. You have to decide what is appropriate, and the answer will not be the same for every couple. I don’t mean anything goes. No one will be able to go too far down that progression, but different couples may draw lines in different places in the early stages of that progression.
Here are some factors to consider. Culture will have some say about what is and is not appropriate. You might not hold hands in a conservative Arab culture but feel comfortable doing so in a secular Western one. Personal histories will affect what is appropriate. If someone has a history of sexual abuse, or if the woman has experienced rape, you will likely need to honor some tight boundaries and move slowly. If either party has a history of promiscuity, you will need to do the same but for different reasons. Personal weaknesses factor into this. Some people are more easily tempted than others. If you get sexually stimulated by hugging, maybe you need to back off. When I talk this way, I am not being legalistic but loving. If you ignore cultural and personal factors in your relationship, you are being unloving and inconsiderate.
Remember, the goal is to honor Christ, not just avoid some behavior. So walk closely with Christ. If you are doing that, here are some principles that can help with sexual boundaries.
- If an action makes you feel a twinge in your conscience, don’t do it.
- Don’t push the other person. If the other person is uncomfortable with something physical, back off. That is love.
- If the other person pushes you to take some step physically that you are uncomfortable with, end the relationship now. That person cares more for his or her desire than for you.
- Don’t live together until you are married.
- Talk to one another openly about what you are comfortable and uncomfortable with.
- When you draw boundaries, draw them early in the relationship and don’t go far in that physical progression. You are to flee sexual immorality, not get close to it.
- If possible, think through these issues before a relationship begins. You may adjust after a relationship begins, but thinking things through beforehand will help you even in the adjustment.
- To the guys: You have a built-in mechanism for determining if an action is sexually stimulating. It’s called an erection. Think of an erection as a warning light that the engine is getting too hot. It’s a sign to back off.
These principles will help you and the other person as a couple decide what is appropriate and not. Above all, let your primary pursuit be Christ and His righteousness. Your primary pursuit must not be the other person. If you win that battle, you’ll win the war.
